


Worth It

by WhyDoIWrite



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Relationship, Lesbian Sex, Meeting the Parents, Olympics, Oral Sex, Post-Olympics, Sex Toys, Shy Gay, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Summer Olympics, Tokyo 2020 Summer Olympics, USWNT, Vibrators
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-01-21 00:56:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 75,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21291059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyDoIWrite/pseuds/WhyDoIWrite
Summary: Kelley O’Hara sets up Alyssa Naeher on a blind date, the first date Alyssa has been on in years.  Alyssa is mad, but is this stranger the one who will show Alyssa that love is worth finding room for in her life?
Relationships: Alyssa Naeher/Original Female Character(s), Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett, Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 238
Kudos: 367





	1. Blind Date

**Author's Note:**

> This will be short and sweet with no drama, because what kind of drama would Alyssa Naeher actually have, she seems so unproblematic? Unless you have a storyline you want me to incorporate to make this longer and more drama-filled.
> 
> New plan: we’re going to follow along on their dates as Alyssa comes out of her shell until she leaves for Olys camp, and we’ll go from there.
> 
> New new plan: I’ll just keep adding chapters til I run out of things to write. So... Not short after all. Sorry not sorry.

“Hey,” Alyssa smiles half-heartedly at Kelley as Kelley sits down across from her at a hightop table in the bar. She was already annoyed. Kelley was 15 minutes late, per the usual, and Alyssa didn’t understand why she even need to have dinner with her teammate, much less at a bar.

“Hey yourself!” Kelley shouts above the din, totally oblivious to Alyssa’s annoyance. They were not even midway through the 2020 NWSL season, and Alyssa still wasn’t used to having Kelley as a teammate for this much of her year. Sporadic USWNT camps and tournaments, sure, but almost 7 months straight with Kelley’s volume and off-the-wall antics was grating on her. 

* * *

After the end of the 2019 season, with retirements and departures, the expansion, and new salary rules, Utah was without a keeper and Chicago had lost their biggest scoring threat. Hence, Utah has traded Christen back to Chicago for Alyssa. Chris was fine with the move; she loved her brief time in the city and Chicago had two major airports, which meant more daily flights to Portland for her to choose from. Alyssa, on the other hand, was less than thrilled. She loved playing with Becky, and had a ton of respect for Laura, but SLC was just not her vibe; she was a big city girl.Everything to do in Utah seemed so... outdoorsy.

* * *

When the server approaches them, Kelley waves him off. And she is oddly distracted by her phone. Just as Alyssa is about to call her out on it, Kelley stands, excitedly greeting and hugging another woman. Alyssa is momentarily confused, but figures someone Kelley knows just happens to be in the same bar... until Kelley offers the woman her seat. Now Alyssa is _highly_ confused. 

Kelley leaves her arm on the back of the new woman’s chair as she leans over and introduces them. “Nic, this is Alyssa. She’s the friend I was telling you about. The one who does crosswords all the time. Lyss, this is Nic.I met her hiking. Well and then I met her again at a coffee shop, where she was doing a crossword puzzle. So like, I met her twice, which seemed like fate to me?And she’s really cool and seems fun for someone who does crosswords, but like, I’m already taken, so I figured you two should meet.I mean, why else would I have run into her twice? Fate.” Kelley answers her own question.

“Because Sandy is small, Kel,” Alyssa replies flatly. She’s still confused, and judging by the look on the face across from her, so is the stranger. “What’s going on?I thought we were having dinner.” 

“So did I,” comes the voice from across the table. 

“Yeah well, you are having dinner. And drinks. With each other instead of me is all.” Then turning towards Alyssa, she adds, “I’d have no chance of getting you to go on a blind date if I didn’t lie to you.You’re both new here. Maybe you can explore the city together.” Things are suddenly clear to Alyssa, and she moves from annoyed to angry, but keeps her emotions in check because of the woman sitting opposite her. 

“You kids have fun!” Kelley says excitedly, disappearing into the crowd and leaving the two women looking at each other in disbelief. 

“I’m so sorry about that,” the stranger apologizes.

“Not your fault,” Alyssa reassures  her. “She’s my friend. She’s doing this for me.You only met her twice. I’m the one who should apologize.”

“She met me,” Nic corrected. “She fawned all over my dog when I ran into her on a trail awhile back.And then when I happened to be getting coffee earlier this week, she came up to me yelling ‘I know that dog!’She had her partner with her. She said we all should have dinner, and she asked for my number. And now, her partner’s not even here. I should have known I was getting set up.”

“I should have known too, Alyssa concedes. “In all the years I’ve known her, she’s never asked me to have drinks and dinner with her. We got played.”

The stranger nods in agreement. “But I feel like you kinda got the short end of the stick here. I didn’t know she was talking about  you. I certainly wouldn’t have needed to be tricked to get me here.” Alyssa blushes, thankful that the bar is dimly lit. The stranger continues. “So, we’re here. She got us both dressed and out of the house. How do you feel about starting over?Hanging out for a bit?Letting me buy you a drink?” 

Alyssa thinks it over for a minute as she stares at the woman across from her. She isn’t really Alyssa’s type, at least she doesn’t think she is? Did she have a type?It’s been so long since she had even  considered dating anyone that she honestly can’t remember. The woman was short, maybe half a foot shorter than she was, she guessed. Her hair was dark and pulled back in a ponytail. Alyssa couldn’t tell what her eye color was in the darkness, but there was a light in them.She noticed that for sure. She was fit, muscular, and her outfit relayed a causalyet trendy vibe, but definitely one that was masc of center. She reminded Alyssa a lot of herself, just more confident and outgoing.Except for the nature part. She had lived here for months and hadn’t gone on a single hike.  


Alyssa realizes the stranger is waiting expectantly across the table, so she nods in agreement. 

The woman sticks out her hand. “I’m Nic,” she says, truly starting over.

Alyssa takes it.She feels her stomach drop but she has no idea why. “Alyssa,” she replies, breaking eye contact. “So, you’re a fan of soccer?”

“Aren’t all lesbians?” Nic jokes. Her smile disarms Alyssa. “I think it’s  like a requirement if you want your lesbian card. Gotta check the ‘WoSo fan’ box.” Alyssa gives a little laugh. At that moment, the server returns  to their table, and both women order a drink.

With something in her hand, Alyssa relaxes a little. She sips her drink slowly while they talk about her soccer career and about how Nic moved out to Utah to open another Forest Kindergarten. Alyssa realizes all of her anger and annoyance towards Kelley have faded away, but she isn’t sure if it’s because of the alcohol or the company. 

When Alyssa finishes her drink, Nic politely asked if she should let Alyssa go. Alyssa shakes her head. “I owe you a drink, plus, I came here for dinner.I’m starving. Let me buy your dinner to apologize for Kelley?” It’s worded like a statement, but Alyssa is so unsure that it comes off sounding like a question.

Nic assures Alyssa there is nothing she needs to apologize for, but it doesn’t keep Alyssa from insisting.The second drink allows conversation to flow even easier, and brings out laughter, jokes, and stories. 

When they had finished their meal, Nic sincerely thanks Alyssa for dinner. “I had a lot of fun, despite our inauspicious beginning.”

“So did I,” Alyssa replies, sounding a little surprised at herself, but with a big smile across her face. 

Nic picks up the pen from the check presenter. She lightly takes Alyssa wrist between her fingers and brings Alyssa hand across the table towards her. Alyssa’s stomach drops again. Nic writes her number on Alyssa’s palm. “Text me sometime, if you want to.”

“I could have just saved it in my phone,” Alyssa says meekly. 

“You could’ve. But what fun would that have been?I was looking for a reason to touch your hand.”Alyssa blushes again. “You know, if you forget and wash your hands when you get home, you’re going to have to ask Kelley for my number. That is, if you were to decide you want to go on a second date with. me.” 

“Well, I’ll just have to be careful with it then, because I plan on being mad at Kelley, or at least pretending to be mad at Kelley, for several days.”

The two women stand up from the table. “Can I walk you to your car,” Nic asks politely. 

Alyssa nods and they head out the door. At her car, Alyssa blushes third time, thankful that the parking lot is poorly lit as well. “They’re a sponsor,” she explains. “I didn’t just go out and buy a BMW.”

“It would have been totally ok if you did.You deserve it.” 

“I play soccer,” Alyssa argues. “ I’m not saving lives or shaping the minds of young people.”

“But you are giving kids all over the country something to strive for, and someone to look up to,” Nic counters.“Thank you again for dinner. Kelley may have gone about this all wrong, but I’m glad I got to know you. Have a good night.”She turns on her heel and begins to walk away. 

Alyssa does something that shocks even herself. She reaches out and grabs Nic’s arm, causing her to turn back around. She had pulled a little too hard and now Nic is standing too close to her. Alyssa catches herself lost in her sparkly eyes for a moment, wanting to at least end the night with a hug, before she recovers. “I’m- I’m not going to text you,” she stammers. 

“Oh.Well ok,” Alyssa detects a hint of disappointment in Nic’s voice.

“‘No, that’s not what I meant,” Alyssa apologizes.“I meant I don’t really text much. I’m kinda of old-fashioned. I’m not going to ask you out by text.But I will call you.”Alyssa realizes she still hadn’t dropped Nic’s arm and pulls her hand back immediately as if it were burning. “Just thought I should tell you in case you don’t answer calls from random numbers.”

“I look forward to it,” Nic smiles. “Goodnight,” she adds over her shoulder as she walks towards her car, leaving Alyssa staring behind her.


	2. But Was It A Date?

Alyssa arrived back to her empty apartment and collapsed onto the couch. She appreciates the silence and solitude of her space, especially tonight, after spending hours in a noisy, crowded bar. She should have just left. Kelley should know her well enough by now to know that that place was not her style. Alyssa wants to kick herself for not at least inviting the other half of Kelley’s unknowing blind date scheme somewhere else so they, so she, didn’t have to sit there all night. She’s annoyed all over again at Kelley, and makes a mental note to let her have it at training tomorrow. But she also appreciates that she’s annoyed by Kelley because it gives her something else to think about besides the woman she met. 

The distraction is only momentary. Her mind races. _Was that a date?I mean, it was a blind date, but does it **count** as a date? And what if I actually call her and we hang out again?Is **that** a date?I shouldn’t call her. What are the chances that I’ll ever run into her again?But Kelley will, apparently. It would be rude not to call her. Plus she’s nice. And easy to talk to. I like her vibe. But I don’t have time for this. We leave in a couple weeks. I need to be focused. This would be the worst time ever to start dating someone. Fucking Kelley. She really should have known better_. And the annoyance towards her teammate is back. 

* * *

It’s still there Sunday morning when Alyssa wakes up.Now, her annoyance is also due to the fact that they had training today because they had played on Friday instead of Saturday this week.She likes having her Sunday’s off to take it easy, to drink a coffee with her crossword puzzle.And today is the second Sunday, so there will be one in the NYT, her favorite.It’ll be a difficult one. She probably won’t even finish it before she has t o leave for training.Annoying. 

* * *

As soon as she walks into the facility, Alyssa considers storming straight into the training room to give Kelley a piece of her mind, but she decides to ignore her for awhile instead to emphasize how upset she was. She peaks into the rec room - too many people, though Corsie was there eating breakfast, and Vero is watching a game.She likes them both. She had almost considered sharing an apartment with Corsie - Corsie and Becky were the only two people she could tolerate living with for so long - but she decided she needed her own space. She’d be stuck rooming with people too many times this year with Olympic preparations. She sneaks away into the locker room and sits down for a moment of peace before training begins.

She doesn’t get it. First Laura comes in, making her daily rounds. She brings a half-hearted smile out of Alyssa with her enthusiasm. But Laura sees through it and sympathetically smiles back at Alyssa, giving her a pat on the back. Laura knows Alyssa still hasn’t adjusted to the change yet. And then, just as she was starting to lean back in her chair and close her eyes, Kelley pops into the room, loudly announcing her entrance and running over, dramatically jumping into Alyssa’s lap and wrapping her arms around Alyssa’s neck. The look on Alyssa’s face must have been her priceless “_What the fuck is wrong with you_?” look, the one she learned from Becky, because Kelley bursts out laughing and gets up, sitting on the floor in front of Alyssa instead. 

“So? So? How was it?Do you like her?She’s pretty cool, right?Is she your type?I don’t even know what your type is so I had to guess. Did y’all have a good time?Are you going out again?Did you do a crossword with her? Did you _kiss_ her?Tell me! Tell me all about it!” 

Kelley is rambling a mile a minute and the way she stressed the word kiss annoys Alyssa even more.Alyssa shoots daggers at her, refusing to speak.  
  


“Lyss,” Kelley whines, “c’mon, you have to tell me how it went. You basically owe me that since I set you up.”

“I don’t have to tell you anything. I didn’t ask you to set me up with anyone.”Alyssa’s voice is low and serious. 

Kelley pulls back a bit, realizing Alyssa is legitimately upset. But then, in typical Kelley fashion, she decides the best course of action is to make light of the situation. “She speaks!” Kelley exclaims excitedly. Alyssa rolls her eyes and starts to get up. Kelley puts her hand on Alyssa’s leg signaling her not to. Surprisingly, Alyssa doesn’t get up.“Was it really that awful?”Kelley sounds serious now, kind of regretful.

“No, it wasn’t awful at all,” Alyssa reassures Kelley, not knowing why she felt the need to. “It’s just bad timing, Kel. We leave in two weeks.I need to be focused.”

“There’s no such thing as bad timing,” Kelley disagrees. “It doesn’t exist. Timing is always what it’s meant to be.And dude, it’s a date. It’s not that serious. You need to get out of that damn apartment of yours. So when are you going out again?Or do I have to set up your _second_ date too?” she laughs.

Alyssa is still not laughing. “You can ask one question about last night. I’ll answer one. But only if you answer a question for me, too.”

“Deal!” Kelley says throwing her hands up as if that was easiest agreement she had ever made.“But me first.So do you like her? Are you going out again?”

“That’s two questions, O’Hara.”

“No, they’re basically the same, they go together,” Kelley argues.

“She’s interesting, she seems nice,” Alyssa says in a non-committal way.

“Oh my god! That answer is such bullshit. I _deserve_ to ask two!” Kelley complains. 

“To get to the second part of your question, and only because it leads into mine, let’s say I wanted to go out with her again... when would I call her?Like, when would be too soon?” Alyssa asks.

“Ooohhh text her now!” Kelley is excited again.“Invite her over to do one of your stupid crossword puzzles after training!” she suggests. 

“Kel, that’s too soon. And besides, I’m almost finished with my crossword for today.”

“Perfect.Buy another paper and start over. She’ll think you’re super smart when you just start breezing through it. And also, it’s not too soon. We’re gay. We don’t move at the slow ass pace of straight men trying to appear disinterested to get a woman’s attention. That shit is stupid. Text her.Do you need her number?” Kelley offers.

“No, I got it.” 

“You got it?” Kelley is thrilled now.“Big. Dawg.I knew you had game, Lyss!” The grin on her face spreads from ear to ear.

“Well, I mean, she gave me her number. I didn’t ask for it,” Alyssa mumbles knowing she is going to disappoint Kelley and not knowing why she even cares if she does.

“Oh, then totally text her!She wouldn’t have given you her number if she didn’t want to see you again.” Kelley seems unbothered by how the number exchange went down. 

Alyssa sighs. “I’ll call her. Later. Not with you around, that’s for sure.”

“Say no more!” Kelley pops up and scoots out of the locker room door without another word.

Alyssa looks  down at her palm where Nic’s number has almost faded away, despite Alyssa’s careful attempts to scrub around it when she washed her hands. She hadn’t put it in her phone last night. Or this morning. It seemed like too big of a step, almost as if she did nothing and it just faded, she could forget about the whole thing. But it’s still legible. Barely. She takes a deep breathe and decides to be brave, though she doesn’t know why. _This is all so very stupid_, she thinks 

The phone rings three times. Alyssa is about to hang up when she hears that sweet, familiar voice on the other end of the line. “Hello?”

“Hey.It’s Alyssa.Naeher. From last night. Kelley’s...teammate,” she says awkwardly.She doesn’t feel like calling Kelley a friend again quite yet. 

Nic giggles, as if there was some other Alyssa it could be.“Hey, you called!”She sounds excited. It helps Alyssa relax. 

“I’m pretty solid when I comes to doing what I say I’m going to do,” Alyssa assures her. An uncomfortably long silence follows, as if Nic is waiting for Alyssa to give her some indication as to why she called.“Ehm - so I know this is short notice,” Alyssa’s voice betrays  how unconfident she is now, “I don’t know what you’re doing later, but I was wondering if you might want to meet for a coffee when I’m done with training?And we could do today’s crossword puzzle if you want?”_Someone should just shoot me. I just took Kelley O’Hara’s advice for a date, I’m so lame! _Alyssa thinks.She wants to kick herself. Again. 

“That sounds like a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon,” Nic replied, her voice bright and cheery. “Tell me when and where, and I’ll bring the newspaper.”

Alyssa lets out an audible sigh of relief, a sure disadvantage to calling over texting. “Honeysuckle Coffee.2:30?” 

“Sounds good.I’ll see you then. Have a good practice.”

“Bye.”Alyssa’s voice is barely above a whisper. 

“Oh. My. God.” comes the sound of a familiar voice behind her. Alyssa spins around to see Becky standing in the doorway. “Kel’s in the Rec room telling everyone about how she set you up on a blind date and you got this girl’s number and you’re going on a crossword puzzle date. And here I am thinking she’s full of shit, because, well, it’sKelley. But nope. You’re going on a crossword puzzle date.”Becky sounds surprised, but by the tone of her voice and the look on her face, Alyssa can tell Becky isn’t making fun of her. She’s smiling, but it’s a rather proud smile, not a judgmental one.

Alyssa just nods, not knowing what else to say in the moment. 

“That’s good, Lyss! You need to get out.This isn’t your home now, at least for half of the year,” Becky echos Kelley’s sentiment from earlier.“And honestly, it’s a cute date idea. It’s so classically you.”

Alyssa thinks about telling Becky that it was Kelley’s idea, but she decides that Kelley doesn’t deserve the credit given the fact that she was telling Alyssa’s business to the whole team. But strangely enough, Alyssa isn’t even that mad about it, and she doesn’t know why. She’s an intensely private person, some of her new teammates probably didn’t even know for sure she was gay until Kelley outed her just now, yet she’s  pretty unbothered by it all of a sudden. She isn’t about to let Kelley know this, of course, and she resolves to not speak to her right back for the rest of practice, just for effect.

Becky brings her back to reality. “The whole team’s going to be coming to get ready in a minute. Just be prepared for some ribbing,” Becky warns. “Unless you want me to go tell them to leave you the hell alone?Because I will.”

Alyssa appreciates how Becky always has her back. She honestly doesn’t know how she would have survived the transition without Becky. Kelley too, though she doesn’t like to admit it to her because her head would swell. But Kelley has been one of her fiercest defenders, both on and off the field, since Alyssa stepped into Hope’s boots after the 2016 Olympics. Kelley had been the one who shut down reporters. Every. Single. Time. When they brought up Hope, when they brought up Alyssa’s perceived lack of leadership, when they brought up her timidity in the air, when they brought up her lack of experience on the world stage. Every time, Kelley had her back, never deviating from her mantra of “Alyssa Naeher is our keeper and we have the best keeper in the world.” She appreciated Kelley, more than she had ever let on. She might tell her one day, but today was certainly not that day. 


	3. Coffee...

Alyssa is about to leave the training facility to meet Nic when her phone buzzes in her pocket. It’s Nic.She’s finally gone ahead and added her as a contact. 

Nic: What’s your coffee order?

And then before Alyssa has time to reply, her phone is ringing. Also Nic. “Hello?” she says, surely sounding confused.

“Sorry!” Nic blurts out. “I forgot you said you don’t like to text.”

“No worries, I know that’s how everyone communicates. You can text me, I’ll respond. I just prefer to talk instead of text.”Alyssa doesn’t know why she’s like this. As much as she doesn’t like people or talking or talking to people, texting seems right up her alley. But it takes so long and it’s so informal. She doesn’t like the slang and the abbreviations, the collapse of the English language. Besides, if nothing else, her mom raised her to be polite, and, well, texting just doesn’t feel polite to her. “An iced vanilla latte,” she hurries to fill the long pause her thinking has created. “Thank you.”

“Sure thing, see ya in a bit,” Nic’s cheery voice replies. Alyssa can’t help but smile. 

“Oooooohhh, someone’s got a crush! Where are you two going?” Kelley’s voice fills the room as she spies her teammate’s smiling face.Their teammates laugh. 

“Like I’d tell you, you’d just show up!” Alyssa glares at Kelley, partially for effect. 

“Well I’d be able to play if off as an accident,” Kelley shrugs. Stengel chimes in about how now even Alyssa “I don’t date” Naeher has a date with someone before she does and she begins lamenting how she’ll die alone, without a man.Kelley offers her matchmaking services to Stengel. 

Alyssa interjects, “Kel, you set me up with a lesbian you saw doing a crossword puzzle. I don’t really think that’s expert level.”

“Um, your gay.And you do crossword puzzles on the daily.I pretty much found you the perfect person. I’m still waiting for that thank you.”

“She’s kinda right,” Becky shrugs. 

“Oooh, Cap’s taking sides, choosing between her own defense,” ARod jumps in.Alyssa glares at both of them.

Instead of reveling in fact that Becky finally said she was right about something, Kelley takes the opportunity to remind Stengel that women are far superior to men in every way, and points out that maybe her matchmaking services should be more LGBT-centric, since that’s her speciality. For the 1000th time, she asks Stengel if she’s ready to date a woman yet. Stengel laughs her off. Kelley points out that it’s not a no.

Meanwhile, Alyssa grabs her bag and takes the opportunity to escape out of the locker room while Kelley is busy hyping herself. She’ll talk to Kelley for real tomorrow, to make sure she learns her lesson about never setting her up like this again. Or telling everyone her business. Who’s she kidding though? Kelley doesn’t learn lessons. She just keeps doing whatever it is she wants to do. 

Alyssa rushes into the coffee shop a few minutes late. She abhors tardiness, but she misjudged how long eating, showering, dressing, and arguing with Kelley would take after their session was done. She sees Nic sitting on a stool at the bar. She’s wearing flip flops, ripped jeans, a camo tank top, and a beanie. Alyssa eyes are drawn to her tan, broad, square shoulders. She slips into the seat next to Nic, her latte already waiting for her. “I’m so sorry I’m late,” she apologizes.

Nic leans over and nudges her shoulder, ignoring the apology. “Hey, stranger,” she smiles. That same disarming smile as last night, but this time, in the light, it gives Alyssa butterflies.Or maybe it was the brush of her shoulder. Alyssa isn’t sure. “You know this place closes at 3 right?I don’t know know about you, but I can’t finish a Sunday NYT crossword puzzle that fast.” 

“Shit,” Alyssa mutters, burying her head in her hands. She’s still not used to things not being open all the time like they were in Chicago. And Sunday’s in Sandy are bad for places closing early, especially a coffee shop at the beginning of the summer season. “I’m sorry,” she apologizes again, “I should have known.”

“No worries, it’s a quick coffee date.I’m just happy to see you again,” Nic says touching her forearm. 

Her stomach drops. 

“Bold fashion choice around these parts, isn’t it?” She nods towards Alyssa’s new Nike Pride shirt for June. She’s wearing it with ripped black jeans and Nike shoes. 

“Nah, it’s safe. Everyone’s pretty ok with it around here.I asked Kelley before I came.I would have gone to play in Europe or taken a year off before I got stuck in some conservative, homophobic town. I’m not out, but I can’t be around that kind of close-minded ignorance.

Nic nods. “Tell me about your practice.” 

Alyssa does,but she keeps getting distracted by the newspaper folded on the counter next to Nic. She was really looking forward to working on that together. Besides, there had been some clues she couldn’t get earlier. She wouldn’t mind the help. Before she realized what she was doing, she blurted out, “I don’t live far from here.Do you want to come over and do the puzzle with me?”What the hell did I just do? she screams at herself internally. But she can’t take it back now. 

Nic hesitates, as if she’s shocked by the utterance too.“Yeah, ok,” she agrees. They finish their beverages just as the shop is ready to close, and head out to their cars so Nic can follow Alyssa to her apartment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m highly tempted to do a spinoff where KO sets up Stengel with a woman too.


	4. ... and a Crossword...

When they arrive at Alyssa’s apartment, Alyssa rushes ahead into the kitchen, swiping her newspaper from this morning into the recycle bin before Nic sees that she’s already been working on it. She motions for Nic to sit down on the couch, and she brings a couple of bottles of water with her to cover for being in the kitchen. 

Alyssa’s glad that they’re working on the crossword puzzle on her couch instead of in public. She likes when Nic leans into her to read the clues, how she sometimes brushes Alyssa hand when she’s pointing to something, that her knee keeps bumping Alyssa’s when she turns more towards her trying to figure words out based on the letters they already have. Alyssa’s heart is racing. She’s sure it’s loud enough for Nic to hear. She’s having more trouble than she should with the puzzle, especially since she had finished so much of it this morning. She can’t focus with this woman sitting so close to her. They finally finish, falling back into the couch with a triumphant laugh and a high five. She looks at Nic, not wanting her to leave, wracking her brain for an excuse to keep her there. 

She doesn’t have to think for long. Nic interrupts her, as if reading her mind. “What do you have that we can make for dinner?”

“Uh - nothing?You can go look, but...” Alyssa doesn’t finish her sentence. She actually loves cooking, but her fridge and pantry and both nearly empty. She hasn’t felt like it lately, not since she moved. Her sister says it’s depression. She’s inclined to agree, but not enough to bother with it. It’s not like she’s not eating. 

Nic is already in her kitchen, rifling through her fridge. “Wow! You’re like a bachelor,” she calls back into the other room.

“I’m really not,” Alyssa assures her. “I cook.I used to cook at least.I just haven’t been in the mood to lately.”

Nic comes back into the living room to give her a skeptical look. 

“Seriously!I feel like you don’t believe me. Come over for dinner sometime and I’ll prove it too you.”

Nic shrugs, plopping back down on the couch next to Alyssa. “That doesn’t help us today. Do you want to go somewhere in a bit?” 

Alyssa nods, suddenly shy once more. They’re going to go out again. Tonight.

“Well, it’s not dinnertime yet. Can I watch one of your games?” she asks.

Alyssa puts on their last game against Portland since that’s who they’re playing next. She might as well take the opportunity to watch some film. But once again, she finds herself unable to concentrate sitting next to Nic. Her hand is resting on the couch between them, and Alyssa has a strong desire to hold it, but she refrains. 

The game ends and Nic pops up off the couch.“Ready?” she asks, offering her hand to Alyssa. Alyssa takes it and let’s Nic pull her up. 

Butterflies


	5. ...and a Food Truck

Alyssa grabs a jacket from a hook by the door on the way out. Once in the parking lot, she thinks that maybe she should open the passenger door for her date, but she hesitates too long trying to decide, and by the time she decides to go for it, it’s too late; Nic’s already opened her own door.“Where to?” Alyssa asks, getting behind the wheel.

“How about that food truck park?Do you know it?”Alyssa doesn’t so Nic directs her there. They park, get out, and order, Nic choosing a shrimp and a portablla taco, and Alyssa going with more traditional choices of a chicken fajita and a barbacoa taco. They each get a glass of wine. Nic leads them to a picnic table, opting to sit on top instead of on the bench. Alyssa gives her a disapproving look, but Nic shrugs and gestures towards the view she has of the sun just starting to dip behind the mountains, as if she wants to be as close as possible to it, not on the other side of the table. 

They eat in almost complete silence.When they’re done, Nic takes their trash and when she returns, she sits much closer to Alyssa, their shoulders, thighs, knees, and calves all touching. Alyssa’s mind is whirling, but her thoughts are interrupted when she feels Nic shiver and realizes she’s still in the tank top she was wearing earlier in the heat of the day. It was still cool at night in the mountains. _She only scooted closer because she was cold,_ Alyssa tells herself. She quickly takes off her jacket and offers it to Nic, who refuses. Despite her protest, Alyssa throws it over her shoulders, arguing that she’s used to New England and Chicago cold, so this is nothing for her. 

“No one’s ever offered me their jacket before,” Nic admits. Alyssa just smiles. 

“Do you like it here,” Alyssa finally asks.

“I love it,” Nic answers. “You don’t?”

“I guess I’m more of a city girl,” Alyssa reveals. 

“I would love to live in a big city. Or a forest. Or by a beach. Or here in the mountains. I could live anywhere, I guess.There’s beauty everywhere if you look for it.”She points towards the mountains again. “I mean, _look_ at that.”

Alyssa looks, really looks, again.And Nic is right. The sky is a spectacular range of pinks and purples and blues, and the mountains look like they’re on fire. She realizes she’s been in Utah since February and has never seen one of its sunsets. She’s really glad someone’s finally pointed it out to her.Maybe her teammates were right; maybe she did need to get out of her apartment more. 

“Why are you single?” Nic suddenly utters, breaking the silence. Before Alyssa can answer though, she’s apologizing for asking the question. “It’s not my business. I’ll tell anyone anything they want to know. I keep forgetting not everyone’s like that.You don’t have to answer.”

But Alyssa wants to answer, which is newfor her because she doesn’t like to talk about her personal life with anyone, let alone someone who still qualifies as a stranger, technically.“I’m not a good girlfriend,” she says, and then realizing that it probably sounds like she’s trying to steer Nic away, she elaborates. “I’m gone too much. A different city almost every week, weeks at a time at camps or tournaments, months back home in the offseason, never knowing where I’m going to land.It’s not stable.”

“But your teammates date,” Nic counters. 

“Well, yeah, but that’s why a lot of them date each other. Or at least date other athletes who understand.”

“But not everyone.

“No, not everyone,” Alyssa agrees. 

“But don’t you sometimes want someone in your life, someone to share it all with?” Nic asks quietly. 

“Sometimes,” Alyssa admits. “But then I just push it out of my mind. Any downtime I get, I spend with my family because I hardly see them. I don’t have time for anyone else. It wouldn’t be fair.” 

“Have you ever thought about letting another person decide if what you can offer them is fair or not?” 

Alyssa realizes she hasn’t. She’s just always assumed that putting up with her lifestyle would be too much of a burden for someone. But maybe she’s been wrong all along. Clearly, it’s not a burden for the right person.Lots of her teammates have found someone to make it work with. 

Her silence is enough to confirm what Nic surely already knows, but Nic doesn’t press it. Instead, she changes the subject. “When are you making dinner for me?” she asks playfully.

Alyssa wonders if suggesting tomorrow is too soon. She really doesn’t know how to do this.But she wants to see more of this human beside her, so she goes for it and asks Nic if she wants to come over after work (she does) and what she wants for dinner. 

Nic tells Alyssa to surprise her with the menu choices, “But no onions.Or bell peppers. Because their flavor is gross.And nothing spicy.” 

Alyssa laughs at her unrefined palate. And she checks to make sure Nic eats meat, “because so many of my teammates are vegetarian or vegan, you never know anymore.”

It’s dark now, and the two make their way back to Alyssa’s car. Alyssa is determined to open Nic’s door for her this time, but Nic wasn’t anticipating it at all, and they end up running into each other in the awkwardness. Alyssa reaches out to steady herself, and Nic grabs her hand.Alyssa tries to pull away, embarrassed, but Nic doesn’t let her, not at first. 

Her stomach drops.

Her eyes drop to Nic’s lips; she’s biting her lower one. Alyssa freezes. _God, I want to kiss her. _The moment passes. Nic drops her hand. And Alyssa wants to kick herself again. 

They get into the car and drive in awkward silence, Alyssa’s hand on the PRNDL, until she feels a finger brush hers. Nic hooks her pinky finger with Alyssa’s. 

Butterflies.

And then Nic lifts Alyssa’s hand into her lap and holds it, letting her fingers curl around Alyssa’s. 

Fire.

But Alyssa can’t get away from it. Doesn’t want to.She sits with that burning sensation until long after they’ve parked back at her apartment. Neither one of them moves. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Nic finally says quietly.“Can I bring your jacket back then?”Alyssa nods. They’re looking at each other now and Alyssa swallows hard, not knowing what’s going to come next, both scared and wanting. Nic quickly kisses her hand.

Trembling.

Nic hops out of the car, turning back only for a quick wave. Alyssa sits there for longer than she realizes, trying to steady herself before climbing the three flights up to her apartment. _What am I doing? _she wonders aloud. _ This is such a bad idea!_


	6. A Bad Day In Goal

Alyssa is making her way through the grocery store aisles, trying to get everything she needs for tonight before she has to head to training. She figures it’s probably only the fifth or sixth time she’s been since she arrived in Utah four months ago. She doesn’t want to be rushed after, so she has skipped her morning crossword to go grocery shopping.She doesn’t know if that was the best decision; on one had, not working on a crossword before training or a game tends to leave her in a bad mood for the rest of the day, but on the other, maybe she could just save it and do it with Nic after dinner. Not that she needs help on a Monday crossword, but still...

She realizes she hasn’t planned anything for dessert. She’s about to call Nic when she remembers she’s at work and probably can’t answer.She resorts to texting. 

**Alyssa**:dessert tonight?

She’s trying to be informal like everyone else. It feels weird.

Then she feels the need to explain why she’s texting instead of calling. 

**Alyssa**: I didn’t want to bother you with a call at work.

**Nic**:It’s not a bother. We’re just getting things set up for August.  How about you let me take care of dessert?

**Alyssa**:Ok.I’ll see you tonight. 

Alyssa finishes up shopping, grabbing some flowers - for a vase, decoration, not to give to Nic - and goes home to drop off the groceries before training. 

* * *

She has a particularly bad day in goal.No matter what she tries, even stepping out for a minute at Laura’s suggestion, she can’t focus. All she can think about is that she can’t kiss her, can’t fall for her, definitely shouldn’t be spending so much time with her, and yet... she can’t stop thinking about her. Honestly, it makes her mad at Kelley all over again. And at herself for being so weak. 

* * *

She’s in the locker room changing after showering, when Kelley comes up to her. “Bad day?” Kelley asks. Alyssa is about to tell her off, but something in Kelley’s voice is different; she’s actually being sincere. Alyssa knows she needs to talk to someone about it, but is that someone Kelley? Might as well be since Kelley got her into this mess. 

“I really wish you hadn’t set me up, Kel,” she said, hanging her head. “especially now, with the Olympics. It’s got my mind all wrong.”

“Why?” Kelley asks, truly not understanding. 

“I keep thinking about her,” Alyssa says quietly. 

“So?”

“So we’re leaving for 6 weeks.Longer if we win.”

“When we win,” Kelley corrects her. 

“So how am I supposed to start something with her and then just leave for almost 2 months?”

“Tell her to come to Japan with all of our peeps so you can see her,” Kelley shrugs as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

“Yeah, that’s not weird at all. ‘Hey person I’ve been talking to for two weeks, how about flying around the world to see me play soccer?’Totally normal, Kel.”She sighs. “I can’t do that. And I can’t just expect her to wait around for me to come back.” 

“I don’t see why not,” Kelley says dismissively. “It’s kinda just how things are when you’re in a relationship with one of us.If she likes you too, I don’t see how any of this is a problem.”

Alyssa gives up. She shouldn’t have talked to Kelley. Nothing bothers Kelley. She’s such a go-with-the-flow, everything will work out, there’s a solution for every problem, nothing’s a big deal type of person. The exact opposite of Alyssa. Should she talk to Becky?No, she’s been with Zola so long that she probably can’t even remember what it was like when they first started dating. Christen?She knows what it’s like to have a long distance relationship, at least part of the year.But she’s so easy-going too, like Kelley but without the crackhead energy. She’ll just say the same thing.Amanda?Maybe. Her sister is at least sane. And understands how stressed she gets about things. 

Just then, Lo bursts in the locker room reminding everyone about her birthday dinner on Thursday night. Alyssa had completely forgotten about it. One more thing to have to deal with. Kelley’s distracted by the reminder; her girlfriend is going to be in town, and Kelley announces that’s she’s bringing her. People chime in about bringing their significant others. Kelley makes eye contact with Alyssa, raising her eyebrows.“Bring her,” she mouths. Alyssa’s surprised when she realizes she’s actually considering it. She always goes to things by herself. She thought she was ok with that.But now that there’s a possibility of not having to do things alone, well, she kind of likes how that sounds. 

She stuffs the rest of her gear in her bag and heads out, escaping while everyone is excitedly talking about what they’re going to do after Lo’s birthday dinner. 


	7. Desserts Spelled Backwards Is Stressed

Alyssa’s doorbell rings at 5.She opens it to find Nic standing there in shorts and a t-shirt, holding a bag of groceries in one hand, a duffle bag slung over her other shoulder. Alyssa’s face must have given away her confusion “Relax,” Nic says. “It’s not an overnight bag. I just need to change. I’ve been outside all day.”She steps in as Alyssa moves aside, drops her bag, and places the groceries on the counter. She turns and envelops Alyssa in a hug, whether she’s ready for it or not. It would be totally normal, two friends hugging as a greeting, except neither one of them let’s go, and Alyssa feels Nic’s fingers softly moving up and down her spine. 

Comfort.

They’re finally interrupted by the beeping of the oven indicating it’s pre-heated to the correct temperature. Alyssa jerks away, brought back to reality. She points Nic towards her bathroom so she can change, and puts the sweet potatoes in the oven.They take the longest. 

When Nic returns, she pours them both a glass of wine and they talk about their days. But Alyssa leaves out the part about how much her practice sucked because she couldn’t focus. And her conversation with Kelley. She considers bringing up the party, but decides maybe later will be better. This thirty minutes of normalcy they get, taking about their days at work like they’ve been together forever, is comforting to Alyssa.She’s been alone for so long that she never thought such a mundane conversation could make a difference on a bad day, but it does. 

Alyssa begins preparing the rest of the meal - steak, asparagus and hollandaise sauce - and despite Nic’s insistence, she repeatedly refuses help. She wants to do this on her own.Nic sits at the counter watching; Alyssa catches her eye several times, blushing and quickly looking away.But she smiles. She’s smiling more than she can ever remember smiling. 

When the steaks are almost finished, Nic enters the kitchen to prepare dessert. She’s brought everything, even staples like flour and butter and sugar, because she was so appalled by Alyssa’s empty kitchen the day before that she can’t be sure Alyssa has any of those things. “Hope you like cherry cobbler!” she says over her shoulder.“It’s so fast to whip up, it’ll be done by the time the steaks have rested.It just takes a long time in the oven.”

Her back is to Alyssa now as she’s setting out ingredients on the counter. The butter is melting in a pan in the oven.Alyssa walks over, standing behind her to watch. She steps close enough that she can smell Nic’s hair.She closes her eyes, inhaling her lemon-scented shampoo. Her eyes snap open as she feels Nic reach back and grab both of her hands.Interlacing their fingers, she pulls them forward to the counter, and with that, pulls Alyssa right up against her.She’s guiding Alyssa’s hands now, dipping the measuring cup into the flour, and using the back of a butter knife to scrape it level, dumping it into the bowl. Same thing with the sugar and the baking powder. And then she guides Alyssa’s hands to pour in the milk and a splash of vanilla. They’re doing everything together in complete silence. 

Nic guides Alyssa’s hand to pick up the whisk, her other hand placing Alyssa’s on the bowl.They stir the batter until it’s blended. Alyssa’s heart is pounding.She can feel it reverberate throughout her whole body. 

Nic turns around, leaving Alyssa to hold onto the counter, pinning her there. Nic reaches up and touches Alyssa’s face with her fingertips, getting flour on her cheek. She laughs as she tries to wipe it off, and fails, just getting more flour on Alyssa’s face. Cooking hand in hand was romantic, but it was also messy. In that moment, Alyssa thinks she’s going to explode if she doesn’t kiss the woman standing in front of her, but the oven beeps again, and Nic ducks under her arm to retrieve the pan.   


That goddamn oven.

Nic quickly pours the batter into the hot butter, and spreads frozen cherries on top, placing it back inside and setting a timer for an hour. 

They sit at the table, adorned with a pop of color from the flowers, and eat dinner with another glass of wine. It’s really good; Alyssa is quite proud of herself for cooking such a delicious meal after not cooking for months, and Nic compliments her multiple times. They clear their plates, but again, Alyssa insists on cleaning up in the kitchen despite Nic’s offers to help. Nic hops up onto the counter while Alyssa’s standing over the sink rinsing their plates. After a moment, she hears her name, ever so quietly, timidly, coming from Nic’s lips. 

“Lyss?”

She freezes, not turning around. 

“Come here.” 

Alyssa turns off the water and dries her hands, making her way across the kitchen without making eye contact with Nic. When she reaches Nic, she stands in between her straddled legs, looking down. Nic tips Alyssa’s chin up.Their eyes are level now.“I’m gonna kiss you,” Nic whispers.“So if you don’t want me to, you need to tell me now.”Alyssa watches Nic’s eyes drop to her lips.Nic’s hand touches her cheek again, this time moving to the back of her neck and pulling her closer. Alyssa puts her hands on Nic’s thighs.Their lips brush, softly, delicately.Alyssa feels the heat rising her her cheeks as Nic’s lips envelope her bottom lip with the gentlest of tugs. 

She feels like the wind has been knocked out of her. 

Nic’s tongue runs across Alyssa’s lips, and just as Alyssa is about to open her mouth a bit to invite her in, the oven beeps again. 

The fucking oven. 

Alyssa thinks about swearing off cooking all together in that moment. Or maybe just giving the oven a swift kick. Before she realizes it, Nic’s hopped off the counter and is taking the cobbler out. Alyssa leans back against the counter to catch her breath. As much as she wants to continue kissing, she has to admit that this evening of domesticity feels pretty nice too.

Nic crosses the kitchen back towards her, wrapping her arms around Alyssa’s waist and leaning against her chest. 

Warmth.

“I saved the crossword for us,” Alyssa says sheepishly.“Do you want to do it?”She feels Nic’s head nod against her.She offers Nic another glass of wine, but she declines; she has to drive home. Alyssa finds herself wishing that she didn’t. Alyssapours herself a third glass though. Feeling a bit bolder, she leads Nic to the couch by her hand. She already has the crossword puzzle open and folded over, with a pen next to it. Alyssa Naeher doesn’t do crossword puzzles in pencil.  


Nic cuddles in next to her, her left hand playing with stray hairs on the back of Alyssa’s neck, her right hand pointing at clues and numbers, and occasionally resting on Alyssa’s thigh or knee. Together, they finish in no time, like champs. Nic gets up to serve them both dessert and Alyssa makes coffee. Nic puts her arm around Alyssa’s shoulders as they eat their cobbler sitting next to each other on the couch.

Soon, they’re left with nothing to keep their hands occupied and no more compliments to pay each other about their skills in the kitchen. Alyssa decides that now is as good a time as any to bring up the party. Besides, she feels bad that their dates on Sunday and Monday were so last minute. She’s a planner, and that’s not like her. 

She’s fumbling with Nic’s hand, playing with her fingers, and not making eye contact again. “So, ehm, one of my teammates is having a birthday get together thing on Thursday night. People are bringing...dates... plus ones... Kelley’s girlfriend’s going to be in town for the game Saturday, so she’s coming. I was just wondering, I don’t know, if maybe you want to come?To meet my teammates?” she inquires timidly, so unsure if she should even be asking the question.

Nic must have picked up on her lack of confidence because she says, “Sure, I’d love to meet your friends, but only if you’re ready for me to.”

“I am,” she says, looking into Nic’s eyes, trying to at least feign confidence this time, hoping her eyes don’t betray the truth. It’s not that she doesn’t want her teammates to meet Nic; thanks to Kelley they all know about her anyway.It’s just that she still doesn’t know what to make of the situation. The cuddling and the kissing tonight have complicated it, and she wonders if introducing her to everyone will only complicate it even further. But she also doesn’t want to go alone when most everyone else will be there with someone, and she wants to see Nic again.The party seems like a good excuse. 

“Then I’ll come,” Nic says softly, watching Alyssa continue to play with her fingers. “But right now, I should get home. My dog is probably missing me.”

“You could just bring him with you next time,” Alyssa utters awkwardly.She’s not even an animal person, so she doesn’t know why she said that. But it would certainly prevent an early exit, so logically, it seems worth it.

“Or you could come to my place next time,” Nic shoots back.“Like maybe tomorrow?”

Alyssa knows she should say no. She’s seen this woman three days in a row already. And if she says yes, with the party thrown in there, is going to be five. She knows it’s too much, she’s getting in too deep and she’s going to regret it sooner than she’s ready to admit, but she blurts out “Ok” before she can change her mind. 

“Good, it’ll be my turn to make dinner for you.Anything you don’t eat?”

“No,” Alyssa laughs, following Nic to the door.“I’m not picky like you.” 

“Whatever.It’s not my fault onions and peppers are gross,” Nic shrugs. 

They’re at the door now, holding hands, and Nic is smiling that same disarming smile again. Alyssa can’t help herself. She leans down and kisses her lips. It’s just a peck, it doesn’t last more than a second, but she’s proud of herself for initiating something. She feels like she’s getting the hang of this dating thing again. Nic squeezes her and and says goodnight, stepping out into the hallway.She turns around to wave one more time, as Alyssa leans against the door jam, letting out a long breath and smiling to herself. 


	8. Sister Sister

Alyssa wakes up Tuesday morning feeling different, lighter, happier. Even before she gets out of bed, she vows to have a better practice, and she convinces herself that she doesn’t need to do her crossword this morning to make it happen. She’s saving it for her date tonight. It’s becoming their thing and she likes it. 

She wanted to call her sister last night, but it was too late back on the East Coast. She’s going to call her this morning, she just needs coffee first. 

Before she can even get out of bed though, her phone buzzes. Looking down at it, she can’t help the huge smile that spread across her face. And she can’t help the smile that comes through in her voice when she answers.“Hey, you.”

“Hey yourself.Did I wake you?”

“Uh-uh,” Alyssa yawns and stretches. 

“I was going to text you my address, but you wanna be old-fashioned, so... you got a pen?” Nic teases.

“No,” Alyssa laughs.“I was awake, but I haven’t actually got out of bed yet.”

“Ugh.You have no idea how much I hate to be the person to actually initiate the phone call. And here I am, doing it for you because I like you, and I’m just gonna end up texting you anyway.” Nic pretends like she’s actually annoyed,but her voice can’t hide her happiness. 

What she said isn’t lost on Alyssa. She thinks about ignoring it, it would be easy to do, but the words tumble out of her mouth. “I like you, too.” She smacks herself in the head, hard enough that she’s pretty sure Nic hears it. _Can’t take that back now either_. She sure is digging herself a big hole. 

“I get home at 5.You can come over whenever you want. I’ll text you my address. I hope you have a good day.” 

“Thanks, you too.” 

Alyssa is about to hang up when Nic adds, “I don’t think I told you, but I had a really good time last night.” Alyssa can’t help but smile again as she hangs up the phone. 

Alyssa finally gets up and gets her day started. She sits down at her kitchen table and calls her sister, absent-mindedly playing with the petals on the flowers in the vase. Amanda answers the phone almost immediately. Alyssa can hear the kids playing in the background. “Hi, sis.”

“Hey, superstar.”Amanda’s called her that for as long as she can remember, her attempt at using positive talk around her sister, who has, for so long, doubted her abilities. Not even a World Cup trophy is enough to convince Alyssa Naeher that she’s as good as she is. 

“How are the kids?” Alyssa asks.But Amanda can hear the anxiety in her voice. 

“They’re fine.What’s wrong?”

Alyssa doesn’t even bother to try to argue with Amanda that it’s nothing like she normally does. She begins slowly, “I met a girl.”

Immediately, Amanda is super excited for her twin sister.She hates that so much of the year, she’s across the country from her family, but she hates even more that she’s alone. Alyssa’s always been so quiet, so serious, so introverted, that Amanda has seriously wondered if she’ll end up alone forever, and as much as Alyssa doesn’t seem to care if she’s alone or not, Amanda doesn’t want that for her. 

Alyssa clarifies that Kelley actually set her up on a blind date, but it doesn’t make any difference to Amanda how it happened. She just wants to know if her sister really likes this woman and if she’s good to Alyssa. Nothing else is of any consequence to her, and she knows better than to ask too many questions lest Alyssa shut down.Alyssa lets Amanda know it’s a yes to both of her questions, but she struggles to get to the point of the call. 

“As much as I would like to think that you called me toshare this happy news, I kinda doubt that.”Alyssa isn’t even good about sharing her feelings with her own twin sister. “So, how ‘bout you tell me what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong is I’m leaving for damn near two months. And she distracts me.”

“She...distracts you?Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s how these things work,” Amanda feels the need to remind her sister since she hasn’t gone on a date in years. “And she knows you play for the National Team, right?So, I’m pretty sure she’s aware that you’re leaving for the Olympics?” 

“She knows, but I don’t know if she _knows_ knows, like if she realizes how long it is. We  haven’t really talked about it,” Alyssa admits. 

“You might should do that. But also, there’s this cool thing called FaceTime that allows you to see the person you’re talking to, even if you’re on the other side of the world. Or, even better, why not have her come out here for a few days when you come home before yous fly to Japan?You know, spend some time with her after camp, let us meet her...” Amanda suggests. 

Alyssa wishes her sister could see her rolling her eyes through the phone. 

“If we decide we like her, you can have her come to Japan with us,” Amanda adds. 

What the actual hell?Did her completely sane, completely normal sister just suggest the same thing that Kelley “Crackhead” O’Hara did?For a minute, she thinks that maybe she’s wrong about the ridiculousness of the suggestion; after all, Kelley has maintained a stable, happy relationship for over a year now, so maybe she does know what she’s talking about.But Alyssa pushes that thought out of her mind. Home to meet her family?Across the Pacific Ocean?This soon?These people are absolute nuts. 

“I just wished we hadn’t kissed,” Alyssa confides. 

Amanda could have guessed that was all it was, it’s not like her sister would sleep around. But she reminds herself that a kiss is a huge deal to her sister. “Lyss, honestly what would be worse?Kissing her and missing her, or _not_ kissing her and wishing you had the whole time you’re gone?”

Amanda has a point, but Alyssa refuses to acknowledge it.Instead, she tells her sister she’ll think about things so that she can get off the phone without having to continue this conversation. She hangs up and lays her head down on the table, wishing there was a way to not have this conversation with Nic.Or anyone else for that matter.


	9. Stay

It’s 4:59 and Alyssa is in her car parked outside of Nic’s house, her heel tapping uncontrollably against the floorboard. It’s a nervous habit of hers. She’s staring at the clock on her dashboard, willing the numbers to change.As soon as they do, she’s out of her car, bounding up the front steps, carrying a newspaper and a bottle of wine, her contribution to tonight’s date. She’s excited, to see Nic of course, but also because she had a really strong session today.And because Kelley actually left her alone in the locker room once she promised she’d bring Nic to the party Thursday. Any day Kelley backs off of her is a good day in her eyes. 

She stands at the door smiling, and thinks about how if any of the people who knew her saw her, they’d be shocked. Her teammates all gave her a hard time about not smiling enough even after the World Cup win. But the thing is, that wasn’t fun; that was work, and it was stressful. All she really felt after was relief - relief that it was over, that she hadn’t let anyone down, that she hadn’t screwed up, at least not too much.That Spain game would haunt her forever though.

The door opens, and just as she’s about to greet the smiling woman in front of her - she’s not even halfway into the house yet -  a big curly-haired dog runs and jumps up on her.Nic apologizes profusely, pulling him back and imploring him not to jump on people. “Koopa! You know better than that!Come on, man, we talked about being on your best behavior tonight.” She winks at Alyssa. 

“Koopa?” she asks skeptically, cocking one eyebrow.

“Yeah, like Mario.” Nic laughs at herself.“Come on in.”She tells her dog to sit, and he does.“See, he’s trained, he just gets excited when people come over. 

Nic’s still in her clothes from work, a pant suit this time, and she explains that she was meeting with investors and state officials all day. They’re ironing out last minute details to get her outdoor kinder, pre-school, and daycare ready to open in one of Utah’s State Parks by mid-August.She’s already opened two in Texas and one in Oregon, but it’s a little different every time. She excuses herself to go change, checking with Alyssa to make sure she’s ok hanging out with the dog. 

Nic’s back in a flash. Alyssa is already sitting on her couch, petting Koopa. She leans over, cupping Alyssa’s face in her hands. She’s searching Alyssa’s eyes, almost as if she’s looking for permission to kiss her. Alyssa’s eyes soften, and that’s enough for Nic. She kisses her gently, just once, and then pulls away.“Hey,” she says softly. 

Alyssa realizes her face no longer flushes when Nic touches her.For her, that’s a good thing. She’s not really comfortable with people this quickly at all, and this is a sign that maybe it’s different with Nic. Those butterflies are definitely still there though. “Hey,” she says back.

Nic hurries outside to turn on the grill, and then heads to the kitchen, and Alyssa, and Koopa, follow her. She gets to work immediately, slicing tomatoes, baby bellas, asparagus, Brussels sprouts, garlic, and onions, but “just for flavor” she says, she’s not going to eat them. Their havingpan roasted gnocchi and vegetables with marinated grilled chicken.

The aroma of the vegetables roasting together wafts through the kitchen, filling Alyssa’s nose. The garlic and onion remind her of her childhood, when her mom would make homemade spaghetti sauce.Alyssa is seated on a bar stool, taking it all in over a glass of red wine. Nic is in and out to tend to the grill, but every time she passes back through, she gives Alyssa a quick peck on the cheek or the shoulder. It’s endearing, but it’s also sensual, her hand lightly touching the small of Alyssa’s back with every kiss. That touch sends a shiver through Alyssa’s spine each time.Their conversation turns from their days atwork to their childhoods. There are no awkward silences as the conversation just seems to flow naturally.

* * *

Alyssa thinks dinner is absolutely fabulous and she chides Nic for showing her cards too early - she might just put her in charge of cooking every meal. Dessert is already made, a berry trifle waiting in the fridge if they want it later, and they clean the kitchen side by side.Alyssa comes up behind her, setting a plate on the counter next to the sink.She places her hands atop Nic’s interlocking their fingers.She leans in, nuzzling her neck, and closing her eyes. Her hair smells like smoke from the barbecue pit.“I like you a lot.”The words just slip out, as if saying them on the phone earlier wasn’t enough. She could blame in on the two glasses of wine that she’s had, but deep down, she knows it’s not that. It’s this woman.She keeps making Alyssa say things she shouldn’t say. She wants to pull away, but her brain won’t will her body to move. 

“I like you a lot, too,” comes a hushed reply. The addition of “a lot” seems significant to them both. Nic wraps Alyssa’s arms around her, leaning back into her.They’re standing like that in the kitchen in silence for a long time, Alyssa doesn’t even know how long, but finally Nic turns around, looking into Alyssa’s eyes.She stands on her tippy toes to give Alyssa a quick peck. “Can you hang out for a couple of minutes while I shower?I smell like a barbecue.”Alyssa agrees, but truthfully, she doesn’t mind. 

Nic’s in and out of the shower in no time. She finds Alyssa sitting on the couch. Alyssa looks at her, her dark hair finally down, barely touching her shoulders. It’s out of its usual bun and wet now. She’s in a t-shirt and athletic shorts, but Alyssa thinks she looks so good that she can’t take her eyes off of her.

Koopa is sleeping on his bed, no longer noticing another person in his house. Nic sits down, tucking her legs underneath her and turning to face Alyssa. She’s leaning on her hand propped up by her elbow on the back of the couch. Alyssa doesn’t pick up the crossword she’s brought.Instead, she moves closer to Nic, playing with her fingers.She’s nervous again. She feels like she doesn’t really know how to kiss anymore. Last night, it was so brief, but now... And she doesn’t know what to do with her hands either. Pressure is starting to creep up inside her chest. 

Alyssas worrying is interrupted by Nic’s hand gently stroking her cheek with her thumb.Nic leans forward, bringing Alyssa’s lips to hers, brushing them teasingly.Alyssa’s breath is shaky.The scent of Nic’s shampoo is flooding her senses, making it hard for her to think. The kiss is soft, gentle, slow at first, but soon their lips start moving in sync, cautiously at first, and then with more abandon.Alyssa runs her fingers through Nic’s wet hair.Nic tastes the wine on Alyssa’s lips with her tongue.Alyssa’s lips part, allowing Nic’s tongue inside. Her tongue runs over Alyssa’s briefly, and then it’s gone.The kiss leaves Alyssa relieved and panicked all at the same time, but she wants more. She’s feels like she’s on a high. 

Nic slows things, bringing her back down to Earth. The kisses get lighter and softer, and she places one final peck on Alyssa’s lips before stopping. Alyssa touches her face and leans in, pressing their foreheads together. Her hands are strong, albeit a little rough, but her touch is tender.Her breathing slows, but her heart is still racing. And she feels a fire burning inside her chest that she’s never felt before. 

* * *

They knock out the Tuesday crossword over dessert almost as quickly as they had Monday’s. Alyssa could go now if she wanted to, but she’s looking for a reason to stay a little longer, so she pours herself a third glass of wine. Nic looks at her with a quizzical expression, but doesn’t say anything. She turns on the TV; NCIS is coming on. It turns out they both like crime dramas.Nic cuddles into Alyssa, resting her hand on Alyssa’s lap. Alyssa holds it, and wraps her other arm around Nic. The sounds coming from the TV are mere background noise now because neither one of the is actually paying attention to the storyline. Nic is caressing Alyssa’s hand with her thumb.The total peace Alyssa feels in this moment is more addictive to her than the endorphins she felt from their make out session. 

The show ends and Alyssa sighs audibly. She starts to get up, but Nic tugs her hand, pulling her back down. “I don’t want you to drive,” she mumbles, clearly uncomfortable. “You can stay, you know.”

Alyssa finds herself not wanting to throw out the standard, “No, no, I’m ok. Really” line, when Nic, noticing her hesitation, fills the silence. “You can take my bed. I can sleep on the couch.”But truthfully, Alyssa doesn’t want that either.It’s been five years since she fell  asleep next to someone. She doesn’t even remember what it’s like.She wants to remember.But it’s not just about her; maybe Nic isn’t ready for this. They haven’t even defined what they are. Or maybe she’s just being polite.Alyssa has no idea which it is, but she nods in agreement.Besides, she really probably shouldn’t drive home. 

“You just got me drunk so you could get me to stay,” she jokes.

“Kinda like you set our coffee date for a time just before the place was closing so you could get me back to your apartment?” Nic shoots back. 

“Hey, that was a total accident,” Alyssa claims. “Things don’t close early in Chicago.” 

“And pouring yourself three glasses of wine was an accident too, I suppose.” To this, Alyssa can’t help but shrug and smile. Nic’s not wrong. 

Nic takes Alyssa by the hand and leads her to her bedroom.She points out the dresser and tells Alyssa where she can find shorts and a t-shirt so she can change. She tells Alyssa she’ll be right back, and returns a few minutes later with an unopened toothbrush from her dentist that she scrounged up in the guest bathroom, a glass of water, and a bottle of Advil, because “red wine headaches are the worst.”Alyssa is already in bed, under the covers.Nic sets the items on the nightstand next to Alyssa and as she turns to leave, Alyssa grabs her arm. 

It takes Alyssa what feels like an eternity to form the word on her lips, but finally, she’s able to get the word “Stay” out.Their eyes meet, and she sees an uncertainty in Nic’s that matches her own.

“Are you sure?” comes the reply.

Alyssa scoots over and lifts up the covers, making room.Nic slides in next to her and turns off the lamp.The room plunges into darkness. They’re both laying down, but Nic is staying as far to the right side of the bed as she possibly can.Alyssa realizes she’s not going to move without prompting, so she finds Nic’s hand under the covers and holds it.Nic is stiff, not relaxed like she has been.Alyssa starts to worry that she’s overplayed her hand, but after a few minutes, Nic rolls over on her side, facing Alyssa. Alyssa can’t see her eyes, or her facial expression, in the dark, doesn’t know what she’s thinking.She doesn’t have to wonder for long before Nic speaks.

“Can I hold you?” she asks timidly.Alyssa moves nearer to Nic, turning on her side, and she feels Nic’s strong arm fall over her waist, pulling her in close, tight.She puts her hand over Nic’s interlocking their fingers again. She can feel Nic’s breath on the back of her neck. It’s warm and it’s comforting. “Goodnight,” she whispers.

“Goodnight,” Alyssa says back through a smile.


	10. Good Morning, Beautiful

“Good morning, beautiful, how was your night?”Alyssa opens her eyes, squinting into the sunlight coming through the window. It takes her a second to process where she is, and another to process how lucky she is that she gets to wake up to that kind of good morning today.She laughs at Nic quoting a country song.She didn’t think it would be her type of music. She’s completely wrapped in Nic’s arms, facing her; she must have turned over in her sleep at some point. 

She finds herself lost in the eyes in front of her. Across the table last night, they looked hazel. But now, lying next to Nic in bed, with sunlight streaming in through the windows, Alyssa sees there’s much more depth to them. Around the outside is a dark gray ring, and inside, a greenish color. But in the very center of each eye is a clear, light brown starburst. They’re definitely not hazel. And they’re definitely mesmerizing. She realizes she’s been staring for far too long at Nic’s eyes and she tears her own away. But Nic notices, and reaches out to grab her chin, lifting her face so she’s forced to make eye contact again. It should make her uncomfortable, eye contact usually does, but it doesn’t this time.

“What time is it?” Alyssa asks, sleepily. 

“A little after 8.” 

Alyssa sighs. She never sleeps in like this. “Don’t you have work?” 

“It seemed like you were really tired, so I decided I could work from home for at least part of today. I might go out to the site later,” Nic says dismissively.“Perks of being my own boss.What time do you have to be at practice?”

“I usually get there at 10.”

“Well, that should give us enough time to get coffee at least, yeah?”

It’s cutting it close, but Alyssa decides they can make it. She changes back into the jeans and v-neck she was wearing the night before, brushes her teeth, fixes her hair, and they head out, back to Honeysuckle to try their coffee date again.Nic grabs the newspaper as they leave. 

Seated at a table in a quiet corner, Alyssa orders avocado toast and Nic orders quiche. They work on the crossword, shoulders pressed together, knees bumping under the table. It takes longer than expected, and before Alyssa realizes it, it’s after 10:00 and she doesn’t have time to run home and change. Technically, they don’t start on the field until 11, but she has to get treatment on her quad and go through her entire activation routine before then.She has no choice but to head to the facility in the same clothes she departed in yesterday after film. Film had run late, so she hadn’tgone home and changed; she went straight to Nic’s. She decides her teammates are mostly oblivious to everything and that she can get away with it as long as she avoids Becky and Corsie. Ok, maybe just Becky; Corsie will keep her mouth shut. 

Under the table, she feels Nic take her hand and squeeze it to say goodbye, avoiding any PDA.Alyssa is grateful for that. She leans over and whispers a hushed goodbye, promising to call later. They head their separate ways to their cars. 

Alyssa moves quickly from the parking lot to the facility, slipping down the hallway, past the rec room. She’s late, for her at least, so she’s not the first one in the locker room.Corsie looks up at her, her eyes widening. Just as Alyssa predicted, she stays quietly. Becky is there as well.Her eyes are knowing as the meet Alyssa’s, but she sees the desperation in Alyssa’s eyes and she stays quiet too.Alyssa is in front of her locker now, seconds away from getting away with it, when Kelley bursts in, loudly announcing her own entrance like she does every single day: “Helllooooo, y’all!!! It’s a mighty fine day for...” She stops mid-sentence when she sees Alyssa. Kelley’s eyes narrow as she looks her goalkeeper up and down, before shooting a glance at Becky for confirmation that she’s not crazy.Becky pleads with her eyes, trying to get Kelley to stop,but it’s Kelley, and, well, she can’t help herself.

“Well, well, well,” she saunters up to Alyssa.Her finger points slowly from Alyssa’s shoulders to her feet and back.“Someone didn’t go home and change after film yesterday.That’s. So. Weird.”She emphasizes each word for good measure. She has the attention of everyone in the locker room, which is basically the entire team at this point. She punches Alyssa on the shoulder, hard. “You spent the night!Good for you!How was it? Hey, Steng, now that I have proven success, my fee’s going up!” She’s soo ADHD that she can’t even wait for an answer before she’s already on another train of thought.

Alyssa’s face turns bright red. “Kelley!” Becky exclaims, admonishing her to stop. Her “what the fuck is wrong with you” look is lost on Kelley this time.

“What?” Kelley asks, as if she did nothing wrong.“We should be proud of our girl!”

“I didn’t sleep with her,” Alyssa says annoyed. Kelley raises her eyebrows, not believing that at all; the clothes are all the evidence she needs. “Jesus Christ, O’Hara, I had a couple glasses of wine and did the responsible thing and didn’t drive home.That’s it. Nothing happened. Nothing.” 

“But you _wanted_ it to.”Kelley cannot leave it alone, so if she’s going to be forced to believe Alyssa, she’s still going to mess with her. 

“You’re such an ass,” Alyssa mumbles, turning around and deciding Kelley’s going to get the silent treatment again. As she checks her emotions, Alyssa resolves right then and there that she’s too happy to let Kelley fucking O’Hara ruin her session today. 

Training.Lunch. Film. Yoga. It’s a full afternoon, and by the time Alyssa gets home, she’s exhausted. She falls down on her couch and calls Nic. It’s nearing dinner time, but she’s still working on policies and paperwork for her Forest Kindergarten, trying to make up for taking half a day off.She hears the tiredness in Alyssa’s voice and worries that she’s not going to even bother eating dinner before she falls asleep.Alyssa promises she will. She yawns, longing to be in Nic’s arms again.Instead, she settles for telling her the story about Kelley calling her out in the locker room. Nic is cracking up, and Alyssa realizes she’s finding it funny now, too. She yawns again, and Nic tries to get off the phone so Alyssa can eat and go to bed early, but she’s not quite ready for that yet. “So... we have a short day tomorrow, training only. What are the chances you can come over for awhile before we have to go to the birthday party?Because otherwise, I don’t know when we’ll get that crossword done.”_Blame it on the crossword, good one, Alyssa,_ she smiles to herself. 

“Well, I figure if I stay up late tonight, that might be doable.”She can hear the smile in Nic’s voice and it warms her.

“Good. Thursday’s are hard. We’ll need some time.I’ll be home by 2:30, so, whenever...” Alyssa’s voice trails off as she tries to keep it casual. But she knows that they don’t need 4 hours to do a crossword puzzle, even on a Thursday, but she wouldn’t mind spending some extra time on the couch.

“Ok, I’ll see what I can do,” Nic promises.  But for real, please eat something, ok?And get some sleep?I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Night,” Alyssa says so sleepily that Nic is pretty sure she’s not going to make it off the couch tonight. 


	11. You’re Worth It

Nic arrives at Alyssa’s apartment Just before 4:00. She looks like she’s showered and changed but she carries a garment bag because Lo’s party is at a nice restaurant and she says she’s “not about to veg out on the couch in nice clothes for several hours.” That’s Alyssa’s kind of person. Nic steps in and Alyssa envelops her in a long tight hug. She’s so tired, more emotionally than physically. The feelings that she’s developing are both wonderful and new but they’re also draining. 

They sit down at Alyssa’s table and get to work on their crossword. Thursday’s are hard. They complete most of it, but still have about a dozen clues left.  After awhile, Alyssa says quietly, “You don’t have to go tonight if you don’t want to.”

“Hey,” Nic says sweetly, taking Alyssa’s hand, “if you don’t want me to go, if it’s too soon, just tell me that. I promise it’s ok.”

“It’s not that,” Alyssa assures her. “It’s just that they’re going to ask you a million questions. You’re going to feel like you’re being interrogated with this group, I promise you that. I just don’t want you to have to deal with that if you don’t want to.”

“I’m ok with being interrogated.” Alyssa looks at her like she has three heads. “They can ask me whatever they want. So can you, you know.” Nic pushes her chair closer to Alyssa’s, nodding towards the crossword. “For every one you answer, ask me a question.”

Alyssa goes along with it, but her questions just scratch the surface - music, food, movies. She doesn’t want to ask deep questions because she doesn’t like be asked deep questions. Nic leans over. “17 down - ABHORRENT. My turn. I’ll show you how it’s done. How did it go when you came out to your parents?” she asks. 

Not too hard. Alyssa explains that in high school, her dad caught her kissing her girlfriend on the porch one evening, and that he told her he didn’t care who she loved one way or the other. He said he wouldn’t tell her mom, but that she needed to. She didn’t. And being caught like that, even if it was innocent, scarred her a little, in terms of being affectionate with someone. She felt so embarrassed even though he didn’t care. Eventually, that relationship ended. She went away to college and started dating a super smart economics major at Penn State. She fell hard for the girl and didn’t want to come home for Christmas that year, because she wanted to spend it with her girlfriend. As soon as she told her mom that she wasn’t coming home, her mom called her on it. Alyssa was such a family-oriented person that she knew there was something else going on. And, she simply told Alyssa that she better spend half of her winter break at their house, with her girlfriend. So all in all, it was a pretty uneventful and easy coming out to supportive parents.

“4 across - HAYES. What happened in your last relationship?” 

This one is a bit harder. She was dating a woman who worked in PR for the Breakers. They had been together for almost two years and were living together in Boston. Alyssa got a call up to the senior National Team and that’s when the pressure and the time away all got to her. She had always been a perfectionist, and the fact that her relationship was suffering was too much to her. She felt like she was failing, like she wasn’t good enough, and she decided that it would be better for her girlfriend if she ended the relationship so she didn’t have to deal with Alyssa being gone or with her mood swings. After that, she swore off a dating anyone she worked with, which eliminated a whole slew of people, really the only people she ever had time to be around.

“Did you even give her a chance to decide if she wanted to stay with you through all of that? Or did you just decide for her?” Nic asks.

“I just decided for her. She deserved better. I thought that she could find someone better...” her voice trails off. “She did. She’s married with a baby. I couldn’t have given her that life.” Nic drops it, not pressing Alyssa. Yet. 

“56 across - APOLLO XII. What are we doing?” 

Much, much harder. Alyssa doesn’t want to answer this one. “I-, I-, I don’t know. Probably something we shouldn’t.” She can’t make eye contact with Nic anymore. 

“Because you wouldn’t make a  good girlfriend?” Nic asks.

Alyssa repeats the sentiment. “I’m not around enough. It wouldn’t be fair to you. I’m leaving for almost two months.”

“Or maybe you’re worth it,” Nic says softly. “Maybe you’re worth waiting around for.” There are tears in Alyssa’s eyes. “Maybe give this a chance and see where it goes?”

Alyssa still won’t look at her. “I’ll just hurt you. It’ll be too hard for me and I’ll leave again. It’s what I do.”

“Maybe. But I don’t think doing something once constitutes a pattern.”

Alyssa ignores these vote of confidence. “Or you’ll just find someone else.” Her voice is barely audible. 

“I’m not looking for anyone else.”

“You don’t have to be _looking_. You’ll just _find_ someone.” 

“Lyss.” Nic’s voice is soft, sympathetic. “I don’t want anyone else.”

“I can’t be distracted.” Another excuse.

Nic is confused. “How am I going to distract you?”

“You just...do. You’re all I think about, except when I’m training. And sometimes _when_ I’m training.”

“What do you think about?”

“I think about how when you hold my hand, you always rub it with your thumb, like you’re doing now, and it feels like you’re trying to tell me everything’s going to be ok. How when you brush my knee or my shoulder, I get butterflies. I think about how when I hug you, I can wrap my arms all the way around you so easily and you just relax. And how when you see me, you smile, but with your eyes and I feel like I actually make your day better. I think about how softly you kiss me. And how easy it is to be around you.” This is the most open she’s been with anyone in years. She doesn’t like how it feels, she doesn’t like being vulnerable. 

Nic doesn’t give her long to sit in her discomfort. Her hand is on Alyssa’s knee, guiding her to turn in her chair so that they’re facing each other. “Lyss? Lyss, look at me.” She leans forward to tip Alyssa’s chin up. In Alyssa’s eyes, there’s an uncertainty that hasn’t been so overpowering since the night they met, except Nic couldn’t see it then because of the darkness. “One day at a time. Let’s just take it one day at a time and see where it goes. Can you give me that? Please?” she begs.

Alyssa’s nod is almost imperceptible. But it’s there and it’s enough. Nic stands, moving in between Alyssa’s legs. She cups Alyssa’s face, looking down at her tenderly. “Just so you know, I think about you all the time too. When I’m in a meeting and supposed to be focusing. And when I’m lying in bed alone. Being near you is all that’s on my mind nowadays.” She kisses Alyssa so delicately that their lips melt together. They’re not going to finish this crossword, but in that moment, neither one of them cares. 


	12. Hyper-: Focused, Sensitive, Kelley

The Uber drops them off at the restaurant where Lo’s party is going to be. Alyssa is wearing a short black dress and flats; Nic is dressed in tailored blue chinos, a button up shirt that she leaves untucked, and a jacket. They’re a few minutes early, because Alyssa likes to be early. Her high school coach always said that early was on time and on time was late, and it stuck with her; either that or her anxiety requires an early arrival everywhere she goes. Right before they get to the door, Nic stops and asks one more time if Alyssa is sure about coming. Nic offers to take an Uber home if Alyssa isn’t comfortable with meeting the whole team yet. But Alyssa wants her there; she just doesn’t want her to be uncomfortable.

Lo has an entire party room in the restaurant reserved with tables all pushed together. Alyssa leads them to seats at the end so she doesn’t have to be surrounded by people on both sides, or right in the middle of things - another perk of arriving on time. Becky, Zola, and Corsie fill in, followed by Vero and her girlfriend, Gunny, and Bowen. Des and Stengel, ARod, Erika, everyone’s there and every single one of them comes over to greet Nic. They’re all smiling and warm and genuinely happy to meet the girl that Kelley, not Alyssa, has been telling them about. 

Kelley arrives with her girlfriend, fashionably late, as always. When she sees Alyssa and Nic, she rushes over to them, hugging both. Alyssa flinches; Nic doesn’t. Kelley’s so happy to see them together and she announces - again - that she introduced them. They all groan; they’ve heard the story at least three times. Kelley stands behind the two of them, draping her arms over their shoulders. “Stengel!” she shouts across the room, “Look how cute they are! Are you ready to hire me yet?” They all laugh. Kelley’s not going to let it go until someone else lets her set them up on a date. Alyssa just wishes that Kelley would get off of her. Kelley turns towards Nic. “Why are you sitting all the way down here? I can’t talk to you here. I want to know how things are going, because _someone_,” she eyes Alyssa, “won’t tell me _anything_. Come sit by us,” she motions towards the center of the table where her girlfriend is sittings

Alyssa is shaking her head, and Nic looks at her, not knowing what to do. Kelley is so demanding. Becky jumps in and offers to move down so Alyssa and Nic can sit by Kelley. Alyssa shoots daggers at Becky. “What?” she mouths. And then in a hushed voice, “Like I want to sit close to her?”

People shift seats, bending to Kelley’s will, and once they’re finally situated, they can begin ordering. Alyssa is much more tense now. Everyone had been so kind to Nic, but she worries about Kelley. Nic must sense something, because under the table, she places her hand on Alyssa’s, holding it, rubbing it, calming her. Surprisingly, Kelley is relatively well-behaved; having her girlfriend around tends to tame her energy. Conversation flows naturally. Nic fits into the group like she has always been a part of it. Alyssa catches herself watching the woman next to her, in total awe at her ability to carry conversations with strangers, by how unaffected she is by their bursts of rapid-fire questions, and by her laugh. She loves that laugh - the way Nic throws her head back and laughs with her entire body. It’s infectious and carefree and Alyssa wants that in her life.

They’ve finished dinner and Lo decides they all need to go out to a club to continue the celebration. ARod refuses to let Becky back out, since she’s finally getting a girls night out, and in turn, Becky refuses to let Alyssa back out, because she doesn’t want to be alone with all the psychos. Alyssa looks apologetically at Nic, but Nic is excited to go.

As soon as they enter the club, Kelley drags the entire entourage to the bar to buy a round of shots. She cheers Lo, and also herself for finding Alyssa a girlfriend. Leave it to Kelley to make everything about her. Alyssa’s cheeks turn bright red, and she looks at Nic with regret and embarrassment, but Nic waves her off, and Kelley is too far away for her to yell and correct her. 

The group begins to disperse, finding seats or heading to the dance floor. Alyssa and Nic are sitting at the bar in the club, facing each other on stools, leaning close together. The club is relatively empty, save for their group of over 30 people Lo was able to talk into coming out. One of Alyssa’s knees is in between Nic’s legs, and Nic has her hand there. She’s tracing circles on Alyssa’s thigh, brushing the inner part with every pass. It’s electric. Alyssa keeps taking sips of her drink as she tries to calm down, but it’s just going to mean she needs another drink sooner. She keeps her hand on Nic’s wrist, trying to ground herself. 

Kelley hunts them down again. “Glad you brought your girlfriend tonight Naeher.” Then turning to Nic, “You know she wouldn’t have come without you.” 

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Alyssa says through gritted teeth, her face flushing. 

“Whatever,” Kelley says, dismissively, eyeing Nic’s hand. “For someone who hates to be touched, you’re sure letting your not-girlfriend touch you a lot.” 

She heads out to the dance floor, oblivious to how awkward she just made things for Alyssa. Alyssa catches Nic staring at her and wonders if she’s upset, but Nic just leans in towards her. One hand slowly slips up Alyssa’s thigh, burning her bare skin, until it’s resting on her hip. Nic’s other hand finds Alyssa’s face, fingers landing on her jawline just under her ear. Nic pulls Alyssa towards her, pushing her hair behind her ear. Her lips barely brush Alyssa’s earlobe. She feels the warm breath on her ear. It’s making it hard for her to focus, but even with her mind swirling and the music beating, she hears what Nic says clearly. “I can be your girlfriend if you want.” 

Alyssa turns bright crimson and is once again thankful for the lighting, or the lack thereof. Just then, ARod comes up to pull Nic onto the dance floor, allowing Alyssa to avoid what was said. Amy makes a halfhearted effort to get Alyssa to come too, but mostly just out of politeness; no one can get Alyssa Naeher to dance. Alyssa watches her teammates - half of them are gay, and most of the straight ones like a night out where they can at least _pretend_ they’re into girls, enjoying the flattery without the creepiness of dancing with men. This is what ARod’s doing. Kelley’s girlfriend is dancing all over her, and it looks like Kelley is having the time of her life. Lo is sandwiched in between Gunny and Des, despite her boyfriend being there. They’re loud and happy and drunk, and having a ton of fun. 

Nic eventually slips away and makes her way back to Alyssa, who is now sitting at a high top table on the edge of the dance floor. She steps in between Alyssa’s legs. “Hey, beautiful,” she whispers in Alyssa’s ear, sending shivers up her spine. Nic kisses her neck before she leans away. Her hands are on Alyssa’s bare thighs again, and as Alyssa tugs at Nic’s jacket lapels to pull her closer, they slide up to the bottom edge of Alyssa’s skirt, stopping, teasing. She’s hypersensitive, feeling even her nipples rubbing against the fabric of her bra. She wants Nic’s hands to touch them. She feels an almost forgotten warm wetness between her legs. 

There’s a combination of factors leading Alyssa to take this risk and to let go of her inhibitions right now. Alcohol is part of it, no doubt, but it’s a small part. It’s the darkness and the near empty club that make it safer. It’s the way Nic moved on the dance floor, and how her personality just melds with Alyssa’s teammates. It’s the way her hands set Alyssa’s skin on fire in the best way possible; the feeling is almost addictive. 

The kiss Alyssa initiates is steeped in passion and it ignites something inside of Alyssa. It’s hot and fiery and passionate, and it knocks the wind out of her. Her first reaction is to pull back from it - it’s too much - but she can’t. The kiss has stolen the words that she needed to say. Nic’s hands are on her face now, fingers tangling in her hair, pulling her deeper into the kiss. Alyssa’s still holding on to Nic’s jacket with one hand, as her other slips around Nic’s waist. Everything goes silent for a minute, and then she hears hooting and hollering and clapping coming from the dance floor; her teammates have spotted them and are no better than a group of immature teenage boys. She breaks away, still shaking from the kiss, but lets Nic pull her in closer again so she can bury her face in Nic’s shoulder, hiding her flushed cheeks. “Say the word, and we’ll get out of here,” Nic promises. Alyssa nods against her chest, and Nic hires an Uber for them.

Back at Alyssa’s apartment, Nic asks if she can walk Alyssa to her door, but once they’re there, Alyssa hesitates. “Stay,” she says, her eyes drifting from Nic’s eyes to her lips and back. 

“Just for a bit,” Nic agrees. 

Alyssa goes to her room and slips out of the dress she’s wearing and into sweats. She comes back to find Nic sitting on the couch. She wants something to happen between them, but she’s too scared and maybe too drunk. Nic motions for Alyssa to rest her head on her lap. She does, and Nic softly, slowly, begins running her fingers through Alyssa’s hair. It relaxes her, but her mind is still racing. 

For almost five years, Alyssa hasn’t shown interest in anyone. She hasn’t allowed herself to even think about being attracted to anyone. She’s been hyper-focused on becoming the best goalkeeper she can be because she doesn’t want to let her team down. She knows that if they ever lose in a big tournament, it will be on her; she’s the one that will let the ball hit the back of the net - the last line of defense, it’s all on her. Soccer has been her only priority. It still is, but maybe she doesn’t want to be alone anymore. She wonders if it’s possible to have both, like everyone else does, if she can compartmentalize, like everyone else can. But with Nic rubbing her head, she drifts off to sleep before she can think about it any more.


	13. Stay pt. 2

Alyssa groans, squinting into the brightness of her still well-lit living room. She feels Nic’s fingers lightly tapping out a rhythm on her upper arm, as if she’s got a song in her head, and she knows she’s awake. Rolling over, she looks up at Nic. “What time is it?” she asks groggily.  
  
Nic looks down at her watch. “A quarter past two. You fell asleep,” Nic smiles down at her. “I should go.” She waits for Alyssa to sit up, but she doesn’t.  
  
“Stay. I mean, unless you have to go home to your dog.” There’s a hint of disappointment in her voice, but it’s premature.

“I spent most of the morning with him instead of working,” Nic admits. “And he has a dog door...” her voice trails off.  
  
“Then you’re staying,” Alyssa is looking softly up at her, the corners of her mouth just turning up in a shy smile. She pulls Nic up to her feet despite her claim that she can just sleep on the couch. She had stayed awake while Alyssa slept peacefully, and now she’s exhausted. Alyssa slides her hands from Nic’s chest down her arms inside her jacket, slowing removing it and dropping it on the couch. Nic kicks off her shoes, and Alyssa takes her hand, leading her down the hall. Once in Alyssa’s bedroom, Nic collapses on the bed, still in her clothes. Alyssa laughs at her, “You can’t sleep like that. Let me get you some clothes.”  
  
Nic is mumbling something about being too tired to change. Alyssa sits on the edge of the bed next to her, lifting her back up, despite her protests. She looks into Nic’s sleepy eyes for a minute before softly kissing her lips. She stands, pulling Nic to her feet, and brushing a strand of hair that’s fallen out of her bun back behind her ear. 

She makes the decision that she’s not going to let Nic sleep in dress clothes that smell of food and alcohol. She slowly starts unbuttoning Nic’s shirt, taking her time, pausing between each button to give Nic time to stop her if she wants to. She doesn’t. Her heart is racing as Nic’s shirt falls off, revealing her muscular shoulders. Alyssa presses a kiss to her exposed collar bone before her eyes flicker down over her still-covered breasts and on towards her stomach. She brings them back up quickly, her face flushed. She grabs the t-shirt off the bed and pulls it down over Nic’s head, covering her abs, but she allows her hand to linger on Nic’s stomach for a moment, feeling her muscles through the shirt. Her breathing is quickening as her fingers fumble with the button on Nic’s trousers. Nic is more awake now, and she covers Alyssa’s shaking hands with her own, working the button out of buttonhole. Alyssa slides them partway down, and Nic steps out of them, leaving her in one of Alyssa’s t-shirts and her boxers. 

Their eyes stay locked together, until Alyssa finally breaks the silence. “That’s better, you’ll be more comfortable,” she whispers, stepping aside so Nic can get into bed and she can turn off the light. She climbs into bed next to her, and Nic reaches her arm out so that Alyssa can use her shoulder as a pillow. Alyssa and throws her arm across Nic’s chest, resting her fingers lightly on her pulse point on her neck. It’s slow and steady now as Nic relaxes. Nic begins rubbing small circles at random across Alyssa’s back. She can feel the pads of her three middle fingers moving while her thumb stays stationary during each pass. It’s the most relaxing sensation Alyssa’s ever experienced, and soon, her heartbeat has fallen in line with Nic’s, and she’s asleep.

* * *

  
Morning comes too soon for both of them. Alyssa has a goalkeeper session she has to be at in less than two hours, and Nic needs to get home, shower, change, feed her dog, and get to work as soon as she possibly can. Their goodbyes are hurried - a hug, a peck, a promise to call later - as Nic rushes out the door. Alyssa closes it behind her, resting her head against the wood. She’s frustrated with herself for continuing to let her feelings progress, and even more frustrated for completely ignoring what Nic said to her at the club last night; she had missed the perfect opportunity to take what they had to another level and she let it slip by because she still didn’t know what she wanted. She hops in the shower, but finds herself sitting on the floor, allowing water to cascade over her shoulders as tears slide down her cheeks. She’s never been so torn between wanting something and being afraid that what she wants will ruin what she’s worked and sacrificed for for almost two decades.


	14. Heart > Head

On the way to training, Alyssa resolves to talk to Christen about this. She’s desperately looking for advice from someone other than her sister, and Kelley, who have clearly either consumed the same drug or teamed up to sabotage her; she’s not sure which.She calls Christen as soon as she back in her car on the way home.

“Hey!” comes Christen’s bubbly voice on the line.

“Hi Pressy.” 

Christen must have put her on speaker, because she hears Tobin in the background asking who it is.When Christen tells her, Tobin yelling hi to her too.

“Hey, Tobs.”

“To what do we owe the pleasure?” Christen asks. “It’s not... well ever...that Alyssa Naeher calls.”

“It’s nothing,” Alyssa dismisses.“I didn’t even think about who had a bye this week and you probably being here with Tobin. I didn’t mean to bother you guys.” Alyssa knows how little time they get together during the season, and she feels bad about interrupting them.

“No worries! Tobin’s about to head out for training, let’s grab lunch!” 

Alyssa is thankful for Christen’s suggestion, and heads to pick her up from the team hotel where she’s staying with Tobin. They decide on an Asian fusion spot for lunch. 

Once they’ve ordered, Christen skips the pleasantries and asks Alyssa what’s wrong. She’s known her for over a decade,  and anxiety is written all over Alyssa’s face. 

“I just didn’t know who else to talk to,” Alyssa starts. “No one understands.”

Christen sits patiently, waiting for Alyssa to continue.

“I met someone.Well, Kelley introduced me to someone,” she corrects herself.

“Lyss, that’s great.”Christen is genuinely happy for her.

“It’s not though,” Alyssa counters. She begins telling Christen everything she’s feeling, from how much she likes Nic, to her inability to focus, her concerns about leaving a potentially brand new relationship for so long, and her fear that adding anything else to her life right now will impact her performance. 

Christen listens attentively, making eye contact and nodding along. When Alyssa finishes, Christen reaches across the table and squeezes her hand. Alyssa doesn’t pull away or even flinch. Christen is one of the people that she doesn’t mind physical contact from because she’s calm. Everyone always jokes that Alyssa hates being touched, but the truth is, she really doesn’t; she just hates it from certain people - Kelley and Sonnett come to mind first, but Tobin and Lindsey come to mind, too. They hug too big, for too long. Her reputation for being anti-touch spread to younger players, like Mal and Rose,so they never even _try_ to give her a hug.Casey couldn’t care less. She knew Alyssa from club soccer first and she was a lot different with the Red Stars than she is with the USWNT, or the Royals for that matter. Casey gives her a big hug her after every single game. 

“You know Lyss, Tobin and I have talked about this a lot, so I know she’d say the same thing, but you _need_ a distraction. It’s one thing to be 100% mentally there and ready and focused for trainings and games, but you need a break. My fear for you isn’t that you _can’t_ compartmentalize and you’ll be daydreaming about some woman during a game, it’s that you’ll be too stressedfrom worrying about soccer all the time.Like, you need a break. And I don’t mean crosswords. Remember after the Spain game, how we tried to get you to sneak out with us?”Alyssa nods.“That was Tobin’s idea.She said you were wound too tight and needed to stop thinking about soccer before you burst.”

“Yeah but that’s was ridiculous,” Alyssa argues. “We’re at the biggest tournament of our lives and you guys were acting like a bunch of high school kids sneaking out of the house.Can you imagine if you got caught? Or if we had lost?”

“But you’re missing the point. We snuck out to get that metal break.So that for a couple of hours, we didn’t have to be soccer players anymore, we could just be us and have fun and let everything go.And look how great those of us who went out ended up playing in the next game.”

“You would have played great anyway.”

“Or maybe all the stress would have gotten to us and we would have bottled it,” Christen shrugged. “All I know is, I felt like a different person after we did that. 

Alyssa stares at her in silence.

“I just think that you need someone to talk to, to do things with, to comfort you, to come home to.You _need_ someone to distract you. I mean, when you’re not in camp, what do you do?Who do you hang out with?” 

“No one,” Alyssa says somberly.“But that’s just how it’s always been. I need time away.”

“And I get that, I get needing a break from all the craziness,” Christen agrees, “Sometimes, I even need a break from Tobin. But I also think that’s sometimes, you need that break to be with someone else.I just think you’d be an even better player if you could turn your mind off from all of this stress sometimes.Because it really is a lot.”

Alyssa is looking down now, fumbling with her fingers.

“I get it, I really do. With Tobin, I had to not only decide if I could handle a relationship,but whether or not we could handle doing this thing together.It was a big choice, for her more than me even.You know how much soccer means to her. But I think we’re both better players _because_ we’re together. Because at the end of the day, when things are bad on the field, we have time with each other to forget about it. To get that little brain break. Think of how much better Sonnett is since her and Lindsey got together. Or Kelley over the past, gosh, over a year now.Think about the difference you’ve seen in Alex mentally since she came back from having a baby. She has something to go home to now that takes her mind off of all this. It’s not healthy to live in a state of stress all the time, and I feel like you do. Heck, even your crossword puzzles stress you out when you can’t finish them.”

Alyssa looks up at Christen, teary-eyed. 

“If this woman can be a calming presence in your life, then I absolutely think you go for it,” Christen explains.

“Even though we leave next week?”

“Even though we leave next week,” Christen confirms.“Hey, invite her to the game tomorrow and let me feel her out, see what I think about her, then we can decide if she’s deserving of the attention of the best goalkeeper in the world.”

Alyssa laughs.

“Seriously though, Lyss.Listen to your heart, not your head.It won’t steer you wrong. Don’t overthink it.”

Alyssa thinks it’s supposed to be the other way around, head over heart, but she doesn't bother correction Christen. She knows that Christen Press has always made every decision in her life 100% with her heart, and Alyssa admires her for that.They head back to Christen’s hotel, and Alyssa gives her a big hug and a thank you before they depart.


	15. Uncle

After dropping off Christen, Alyssa calls Nic. She isn’t really sure what she’s going to say, but she wants to hear her voice. Nic doesn’t answer. Inside her apartment, Alyssa lies down on her couch, processing everything that Christen had said. She’s just starting to drift off when her phone rings.“Hey,” she said sleepily.

“Hey yourself.Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, I’m just resting,” Alyssa replies, stifling a yawn.“What are you up to?”

“Trying to install an automatic door on my chicken coop.”

Alyssa scoffs.“Wait seriously? You have chickens.Oh my god did we eat one for dinner the other night?”

“What the fuck?No!” Nic shouts. They both burst out laughing. 

“I had to be sure. Because that would be...”

“Weird.” Nic finishes her sentence. “Anyway, yes I have chickens. And yes they are my pets. And I just figured that if I’m going to maybe be spending time with you in the evenings, I should have an automatic coop door that closes them up at night. Because otherwise, they’re either not safe from predators until I get home. Or like yesterday, I’m having to chase them around and put them up one at a time because they will not go up on their own when it’s still light out. It took forever. That’s why I was a little later than I meant to be,” she explains.

_She’s serious enough about spending time with me that she’s doing all this,_ Alyssa notes to herself. “Well how’s the install going?”

“I’m trying to hook a solar panel up to it so I don’t actually have to run electricity out there and it’s...not going well,” she admits.

Alyssa offers to come over and help, explaining that she’s pretty handy, but Nic points out how tired she sounds and how she needs rest before her game tomorrow. But... Alyssa insists; she needed an excuse to see her again anyway so she can invite Nic to her game in person. Nic still seems to feel bad about Alyssa coming over to help, so Alyssa tells her she can make dinner for her as a trade off for her help.Nic thinks that’s a perfect idea. 

Twenty minutes later, she’s at Nic’s place hooking up a solar panel to a coop door Nic has already installed in the door of what looks like a shed, but is actually a chicken coop. And all the while, she can’t stop giggling at the thought of Nic running around her backyard chasing chickens the day before.“It was pretty damn ridiculous,” Nic admits.Alyssa seems like a natural when it comes to the complex wiring, hardly looking at the instructions.She’s got it done in no time, much to Nic’s dismay and gratefulness.She’s earned herself a kiss on the cheek that turns into a kiss on the lips, that turns into hands just barely starting to explore... when Alyssa’s phone starts buzzing, repeatedly. It’s Christen.Nic slips away to start dinner. 

**Pressy**:I told Tobin everything you said.

Maybe I should have asked you first.

But nah, you know I tell her 

everything. 

Anyway, she said, and I quote....

“Dude, Alyssa totally needs a 

girlfriend.Why didn’t we think of 

finding her somebody?How’s 

O’Hara that smart?”

And then she said.... 

“Happy Alyssa?We’re totally going 

to fucking win the gold. Hell yes!”

So basically, my girlfriend would like 

you to know that she approves of 

you dating someone.In case you 

were waiting on that approval.I 

know you were.

Alyssa can’t help but smile to herself. 

Once again, Nic has prepared a delicious meal, this time of grilled shrimp tacos, rice, and black beans. “Hey, just so you know, I’ll totally work for food,” Alyssa says, as she goes back to the kitchen to make herself one more taco. “This is so good.” 

“I’m glad you like it,” Nic smiles. “But I really should stop grilling when you come over because I can’t stand smelling like smoke and then I have to leave you to go shower.” 

Alyssa waves her off. “I don’t mind. Go shower now and I’ll clean up in here,” she offers, earning herself another kiss on the cheek.

Alyssa is still at the sink when Nic gets out of the shower.She comes up behind Alyssa and wraps her arms around her waist, resting her head against her back. Alyssa is certain Nic can hear her heart pounding. “Leave the rest.I’ll do it later,” she promises. 

Alyssa steps away and they curl up on the couch to work on Friday’s crossword. It’s easier than Thursday’s and they actually get it finished this time. Nic leans into Alyssa, letting Alyssa wrap an arm around her. “What are you doing tomorrow night?” Alyssa questions.

“Nothing,” Nic says slyly. Alyssa can hear a hint of excitement creeping into her voice. 

“Do you want to come to my game?”

“I thought you’d never ask!” Nic says sitting up and looking at her with a goofy grin on her face.

Alyssa laughs. “If you wanted to come, why didn’t you say something?”

“Because I didn’t know if you’d think I was a distraction,” Nic says, her voice turning serious. 

“I talked to a good friend of mine today. She told me that I’m too serious and that I need a distraction.I basically need to focus on soccer for two hours a day, and the rest of the time, I need to be relaxed and having fun. So tomorrow, I’m going to try to focus on the game and forget you’re there until it’s over.We’ll see how it goes.”

“So, that’s what I am to you, a distraction.Good for taking your mind off of soccer.” Nic sounds hurt.

“No, no.”Alyssa’s hand goes for Nic’s cheek. “That’s not what I meant.”She lets out an audible sigh, trying to find the words to explain herself. “Being around you makes me happy.I haven’t felt like this in years. And I guess I thought that that’s just how it kinda needs to be - no room for happiness or anything else in my life when I’m having to prep for a World Cup and an Olympics. But...my teammates seem to think otherwise.”

Nic is just staring at her, expression unchanged. For someone who knows a lot of words, Alyssa’s not doing a good job of putting them together. She sighs, trying again. “I don’t know if you’re going to _be_ a distraction.I won’t know until I play tomorrow, I guess. But what I’m trying to say is that you’re not _just_ a distraction to me. You’re more.I _want_ you to be more.I really, _really_ like you.”Her voice drops on the last part. 

Nic’s just still staring at her, not saying anything. “You’re really going to make this hard on me, huh?” Alyssa asks.

“I don’t know what you want, Alyssa,” she concedes. 

“Say it again.”Fuck, I shouldn’t have said that. I was going to wait until after Christen met her to have this conversation. 

“Say what?”Nic is confused.

_I could say nothing and drop it right now, but..._“What you whispered in my ear last night, after Kelley, you know...”

But Nic doesn’t say it again. All she says is, “Next time Kelley calls me your girlfriend, maybe don’t correct her.”

“I won’t - I shouldn’t have,” Alyssa stammers. “I panicked. We just - we hadn’t talked about it yet.”

But now they had, kind of, at least enough to put a label on it. Alyssa still didn’t know what it meant for the future though, and the future was next week. But in the moment, this was what had felt good and right to her, and she was trying to trust her heart more, trying to do what Christen suggested.

She doesn’t really have an excuse to stay this time; they haven’t had anything to drink.She could _ask_ to stay.Or she could probably wait long enough and Nic would offer so she wouldn’t have to drive home tired. But the problem is, she envisions herself staying every night.Like why not come over after the game tomorrow and spend the night?And why not stay all day (and night) Sunday when they’re off?And then might as well stay the whole first half of the next week until it’s time to fly to California for camp, because then she’s not going to get to see Nic for ages.It all reminds Alyssa that she truly doesn’t know how to date anymore. She doesn’t know what’s normal and she doesn’t know what’s ok with Nic.But she also doesn’t want to ask because that seems awkward. 

Nic picks up on something, confusing Alyssa’s anxiety for sadness. She tries to backtrack, reminding her that they don’t have to rush anything, they don’t have to define anything. But that’s the opposite of what Alyssa wants, honestly.She pulls Nic over towards her again, kissing her with the same passion she did the night before at the club, when she was sort of drunk. But this time, she’s totally clear-headed, and this time, she’s not doing it to try to apologize for ignoring the whispered girlfriend comment in her ear.This time, she’s doing it because she wants Nic. She wants to touch her and undress her and take her to bed and not sleep. 

They’ve been kissing for so long now that the angle is making their necks ache. Alyssa pulls Nic towards her even more, and Nic straddles her, raising herself up so that she’s now over Alyssa, looking down her her, overpowering her with her lips and tongue and hands. She’s grabbing at the bottom of Alyssa’s shirt and whispers breathlessly into Alyssa’s ear to get permission to take it off. She lifts Alyssa’s shirt over her head, making a comment about Alyssa undressing her the night before. Alyssa doesn’t mind. Her hands fall to Alyssa’s breasts, touching her through her sports bra.The fabric does little to dull the sensation. Alyssa’s nipples harden as she traces circles around them. A moan escapes from her lips, but it’s muffled by Nic’s mouth. 

The new position allows Alyssa hands to drop from Nic’s face to her shoulders, to her waist, eventually sliding up under her shirt to return the favor.As she cups her breasts, Alyssa is pleasantly surprised to find that Nic didn’t put a bra back on after her shower. Her hands move back out from under Nic’s shirt and to her butt, raising her higher until Nic’s chest is even with Alyssa’s face. Maybe defining what they are, maybe knowing that Nic actually wants to try to make this work, is giving Alyssa more confidence. She takes one of Nic’s nipples into her mouth, only the cloth of her thin t-shirt truly separating them from each other. She presses with her lips, then teases with her teeth, nibbling. Nic lets out a small whine, wrapping her arms around Alyssa’s head.One of Alyssa’s hands is on Nic’s other breast, but the other hand, still on her butt, is now creeping under the edge of her shorts, tickling her skin. 

After a moment, Nic drops back down to Alyssa’s lap, pressing into her.Alyssa feels a vaguely familiar throbbing between her legs as Nic grinds against her in sync with their kissing. And the wetness is definitely back. Alyssa’s thumbs are hooked into the waistband of Nic’s shorts now as her fingers spread out over her butt, holding on as Nic moves. She bites her lip and closes her eyes, tilting her head up towards the ceiling and trying not to lose herself.She almost does though when she feels Nic’s hand brush her hair out of the way.Nic’s warm breath hitting her bare neck is intoxicating. She feels nibbling at her earlobe, the flick of a tongue in her ear, and then the whispered words, “I really fucking like you.”It’s raw and in the moment, and Alyssa thinks it’s really fucking hot. Now she’s pretty darn set on finding a way to stay.

“Enough to let me stay again?” she asks hopefully. 

“Definitely,” Nic smiles, cupping her face with both hands and pressing their foreheads together so their noses meet also. “But we should probably stop this and go to sleep, because you have a game tomorrow, and if we keep this up, I - “ She doesn’t finish her sentence.Instead, she leans over and grabs Alyssa’s shirt off the couch, turning it right side out.

  
She’s about to pull it on over Alyssa’s head, when Alyssa stops her, pulling off her sports bra as quickly as she can (because “sleeping in a bra is uncomfortable”), and then helping the shirt over her head. “Because you what?” Alyssa asks, already knowing the answer, and also knowing she’s not going to get one out of her.  Maybe Nic caught a glimpse of Alyssa’s bare breasts, maybe she didn’t, but if she did, Alyssa’s quite content to have teased her. 

They walk down the hall hand in hand, and climb under the covers, Alyssa immediately cuddling into the curve of Nic’s body like she’s done it a thousand times. She lets out a contented sigh as she feels the weight of Nic’s arm fall across her waist, and the warm breath on the back of her neck.“Goodnight,” Nic whispers into Alyssa’s hair,

“It sure was a good night,” Alyssa says smiling.


	16. Breakfast with Preath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thinking ahead, do we want the USWNT to win gold at the Olympics (in the story, not real life), or not? I know which way I’m leaning, but drop a comment below.

Alyssa wakes to the sunlight streaming in through the windows. She’s momentarily confused about where she is.Even though she didn’t have a sip of alcohol, when she offered her handyman skills yesterday, she wasn’t thinking of spending the night at Nic’s _again_, and well, she slept so well that she kind of forgot. Besides, the connection they shared on the couch has left her head as cloudy as alcohol might have. She feels the familiar warm breath on the back of her neck, and fingertips drumming on her abs.Nic must have noticed a change in her breathing indicating that she’s awake, because her fingertips start to slowly tease under Alyssa’s shirt. Under the same t-shirt she had on yesterday when she left training because she never went home. But now, she’s minus a bra and the anticipation of those fingertips finding her bare breasts shakes any remaining cobwebs from her mind. Where is her bra?Probably back on the couch, she registers. It reminds her of Nic straddling her last night, of that pressure she felt between her legs. She wants to feel it again and she finds herself mentally trying to will that hand to go down instead of up.It doesn’t work. She seriously considers for a second guiding Nic’s hand to where she wants it. But she doesn’t. Nic hums into her hair. “Morning beautiful.” Alyssa presses back into her as much as she can returning the good morning.

“Do you have work today?” Alyssa inquires.She feels Nic shake her head.

“I never work on weekends. One of the perks of the job.”

“Well do you have plans today?” Alyssa rolls over so she can see her girlfriend’s face. Her _girlfriend_. 

Nic shakes her head again.“I’m at your disposal. All day. If you want me to be,” she adds. 

Oh Alyssa wants her to be. 

Nic asks Alyssa what her typical game days look like. A crossword puzzle, of course, but come to think of it now, game days pretty much suck. It’s hours of studying stat sheets and game footage on her laptop, alone in her apartment, and then more hours with the TV on in the background just for noise while she lies on the couch, waiting, just waiting until it’s time to leave. Just then, her phone buzzes. It’s Christen. 

**Pressy**: Tobin says it’s not fair that I’m going to meet your girlfriend tonight and she’s not. 

So she says you either have to come out with us after the game or you have to take us to breakfast.

Like now. 

  
Because she’s hungry and grumpy.

And I really can’t with her when she’s like this.

One of these options is clearly better in Alyssa’s mind, but she figures since Nic has to be involved, she should ask her. Nic chooses breakfast, which is exactly what Alyssa wanted, thankfully. Neither one says it, but their reasoning is the same - Alyssa’s not going to want to go out if her team loses tonight. Alyssa texts Christen back.

**Alyssa**:Breakfast. We’ll pick you up.But... it’s gonna be a bit.I need to go home and change.

**Pressy**:  🙄 I thought you were going to let me feel her out before you took it any farther.

**Alyssa**:We didn’t do anything. 

(_It’s basically true.I mean, we made out, a lot.And decided we’re a couple.But it’s not like we slept together, so_...)

**Pressy**:  🤥

* * *

Breakfast with Christen and Tobin was nice, but anytime you go out with Christen and Tobin, the fans are almost non-stop asking for selfies and autographs, and you don’t get a lot of actual talking in. Conversations are choppy and interrupted, and hushed because you can never tell if people around you are listening. It’s why Alyssa likes being so low key and going unnoticed. And it’s why Tobin likes being in Portland where most everyone is chill enough to leave her, and even Christen, alone. Alyssa’s regretting the decision almost as soon as they sit down, because now she’s having to pose for pictures with her two teammates, and Nic ends up taking most of the photos for them. Alyssa keeps shooting her apologetic looks, but she just shrugs it off. 

In one of their rare moments of peace, Nic leans in and nudges Alyssa, “I didn’t know I was dating an actual superstar,” she jokes.

“Oh, you’re not,” Alyssa assures her in a whisper. “They’re here for Preath.”

Tobin kicks her shin under the table, hushing her but Alyssa thinks she deserves it for making her breakfast, well frankly, pretty annoying. 

“Hey now, we may be enemies today, but you’re gonna need me soon.And Vlatko will kill you if you injure me,” Alyssa teases. 

Christen and Tobin try to get to know Nic as well as they can in the brief time they have, not even bothering to catch up with Alyssa, who they’ll see in less than a week anyway. They recount some funny Alyssa stories from the World Cup, including how she screamed at them to get away from her when she saved the England PK, and how annoyed she was by all of them, but especially Kelley and Pinoe, on the flight back to New York. They take turns mimicking her so that Nic gets the full Naeher effect. And they tell her about the one time, when she was new to the team, Hope texted her that the time of training had been changed so she’d show up late, because she thought Alyssa was too serious and needed some hazing so she’d loosen up. Alyssa was late, but Hopes plan of loosening Alyssa up didn’t work. Alyssa started showing up 30 minutes earlier to every session and didn’t speak to Hope for two days.“So if she has some trust issues, you’re gonna have to take that up with Hope, cause that wasn’t us,” Tobin points out. 

“But the crossword puzzles, that was you,” Christen throws Tobin under the bus and Tobin just shrugs.She explains that Alyssa used to read books, but they kept moving her bookmark so she’d lose her place, or they’d switch her book with a different one.She got so annoyed that she gave up reading and started bringing crossword puzzles. But then they’d erase her answers and change them, messing the whole puzzle up, so she started using a pen instead of a pencil.They just wanted her to sing and dance and socialize with them instead of keeping to herself, but nothing worked. Tobin blames the initial idea on Kelley, but takes credit for erasing her correct answers. Alyssa shrugs it off, still unfazed after years of her teammates shenanigans. They’ve spent countless hours trying to get a rise out of her, and are,  typically,wholly unsuccessful.She doesn’t even mind all of their teasing right now because it’s making Nic laugh that belly laugh of hers, and Alyssa adores it. 

The foursome finish up their breakfasts and Alyssa drops Christen and Tobin back at their hotel. Tobin waves goodbye, and Christen sticks her head back in the car before closing the door to confirm that she’ll see Nic tonight at the game. 

Alyssa sits in the parking lot for a moment, not knowing what to do.Should she go home, watch film, shower, relax and get ready for the game, which is what her head is telling her to do, or should she listen to her heart and spend the next few hours with Nic?As if reading her mind, Nic slips her hand into Alyssa’s over the middle console. That settles it.Alyssa asks Nic if she wants to come over.She does. 

As soon as she gets home, Alyssa pops into the shower, and comes back out in a tank and soft grey shorts, with her hair up in a towel.She leans over Nic, trapping her there, her arms on either side of her girlfriend, hands pushed into the back of the couch.Nic pulls her in by her shirt for a kiss, that leads to another kiss, and another, and soon, Alyssa is sliding her tongue in between Nic’s lips, exploring, tasting, teasing as she runs her tongue along the roof of Nic’s mouth.Nic’s hands find Alyssa’s breasts, feeling how turned on she is. Alyssa draws in a sharp breath, dropping a knee down onto the couch so she can be closer. Their lips break apart and Nic reaches up to pull the towel off of Alyssa’s hair, tossing it aside.Alyssa’s hair spills over she shoulders. “God, you’re beautiful,” Nic says, looking into Alyssa’s eyes. The compliment causes Alyssa to blush, and shake her head.She doesn’t know that anyone’s ever said that to her before. Sensing how uncomfortable it’s made her, Nic pulls Alyssa into her chest, wrapping her arms around her tightly, and letting her bury her head. But she makes sure to whisper one more time, “You are, you know.”

They settle into the couch together perfectly, Nic’s smaller frame cuddling into Alyssa’s chest and Alyssa’s arm around her. In such a short amount of time, Alyssa has come to crave that contact. They work on the Wall Street Journal crossword since there isn’t one in the Times today.Later Nic sprawls out on the couch, propped up against one of the arms, and Alyssa lays back on her, laptop on her legs, watching game footage of the Thorns. Nic is half asleep, absentmindedly running her fingers through Alyssa’s hair. Alyssa finds it comforting and surprisingly not distracting. She completes her film session and sets the laptop on the coffee table, rolling over and scooting down so she can lay her head in Nic’s thigh. A short nap is in order. 

* * *

They’re both startled awake by the alarm on Alyssa’s phone signifying that’s it’s almost time for her to go.She changes into ripped black jeans, a loose-fitting gray tee, and a black leather jacket with boots. Nic shakes her head when she sees Alyssa.“Ok,now you just look hot.” She slides her hands inside Alyssa’s jacket and around her waist, and gives her one quick peck.She’s about to hire an Uber, but Alyssa insists on driving her home before she heads to the stadium. Before Nic gets out of the car, Alyssa gives her instructions on who to talk to so she can get up to the box that she’ll be sharing with Christen, Zola, and Kelley’s partner.

And now, according to their group chat, Sonnett has invited herself into the box. She was benched from Orlando’s game due to a(nother) red card. The game prior, when the Pride beat Sky Blue, Emily took Carli out on a denial of a goalscoring opportunity. Emily didn’t mind much, since they won, and because it was Carli, the foul was “totally worth it and totally hilarious,” especially when Carli skied the PK. But also, it gave her a couple of days off without an Orlando game or training session to fly out to where Lindsey was playing. And it happened to be Utah. And, as Emily had texted, “y’alls box is going to be so lit compared to the injured Thorns box.” Plus, now she gets to hang out with Kelley’s girlfriend and they can talk shit about Kelley, and she’ll actually get to talk to Press because Tobin won’t be hogging her. In Sonnett’s mind, she really stays winning, even if Lindsey is pissed at her because she still stupidly fouls people sometimes and Lindsey thinks it’s going to hurt her chances at winning that starting right back spot from Kelley. Emily does concede that she probably messed up when she told Lindsey that Lindsey was just jealous that she was going to get to hang with all the cool kids while Lindsey has to play a _soccer_ game. She tried to apologize with a kiss, which usually works for her, but Lindsey just pushed her away and didn’t talk to her for like an hour. She wonders how she’s going to have to make it up to Lindsey tonight when they get back to their room.

Nic squeezes Alyssa’s hand, wishes her good luck, and rushes out of the car so Alyssa can get going. Alyssa finds herself nervously excited that Nic is coming to see her play. Her _girlfriend_ is going to be there. In a box. With the other WAGS (plus Becky’s boyfriend). She has to admit, it’s kind of cute and she’s kind of looking forward to it. 


	17. UTAvPOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attention: 2020 Olys roster drop

The game against Portland does not go well. Alyssa is beaten up, forced to make save after save. She stuffs Diani on a breakaway and is knocked out of the air by Lindsey as she crashes the box on a corner. She dives to tip Sinc’s long distance strike out of the upper 90 and lands hard.Tobin slots a low shot towards her near post as she’s moving far and she has to throw her body back across the goal to get a touch on it. It’s a battle all night but late in the game, Kelley is called for a questionable handball in the box and Sinc buries the PK in the side netting. Alyssa is powerless to stop it.The game ends in a 1-0 Thorns victory. 

After the final whistle blows, and the players have finished signing autographs, Nic follows the group as they slowly make their way down to the tunnel to wait. Christen knows she should go to the Thorns side to congratulate Tobin, and Sonnett knows she should stop being a traitor and go too, but they both want to see their friends.Nic hesitates to stay, thinking that seeing Alyssa after a loss, after she has specifically been worried about being distracted, is wholly a bad idea, but Christen drags her by the hand and doesn’t really give her a choice. People don’t really say no to Christen Press. Besides, Christen likes her - she’s environmentally conscious, she’s a voter, she likes hiking, she diffuses oils, she meditates, she has backyard chickens - she’s a regular modern day hippie, just like Christen. So Christen says she’s staying. 

Kelley comes out of the locker room first, absolutely seething, looking like she’s going to punch something or someone.But her girlfriend wraps her up in a tight hug, and slowly, the anger fades from Kelley’s face. 

Becky’s out of the locker room next, smiling and polite, the ever-consummate professional, as if nothing is wrong. But internally, she’s blaming herself for putting Kelley in an awkward position that led to the call, even if it was the wrong one. She finds herself looking forward to games with VAR, which is surprising given the debacle of a PK call in the World Cup semi against England. 

Alyssa’s the last one out of the locker room, her head hung low.Christen cuts her off before she makes it to Nic.She knows first hand what Alyssa is like after a loss. She doesn’t get angry like Kelley.She’s more like Tobin, feeling it deeply, taking it personally. They don’t want to talk to anyone after a loss, don’t want to see anybody. Except with Christen, it’s always been different for Tobin.Christen is the only person she’s willing to be around after a loss. Christen hopes that Nic can be that person for Alyssa.“She didn’t want to stay,” she whispers to Alyssa. “She’s afraid you feel like she’s the reason why you lost.Go tell her she’s not.”

“Hey.”Alyssa’s voice is hoarse from all the yelling. “Thanks for staying.” She tries to force a half-smile, but can’t. She can hardly make eye contact, but she forces herself to briefly.Nic hesitantly brushes Alyssa’s hand and it sends a zing of electricity through her. When she doesn’t pull away, Nic hooks her pinky finger around Alyssa’s and they stand, facing each other. Alyssa takes one step towards Nic, an invitation, a hope, a signal that she wants to be comforted, and Nic pulls her in and holds her, without saying a word. Alyssa breathes a deep sigh of relief in the comfort. 

“Ok,” Kelley looks from Sonnett to Press and back, “which one of your girlfriends is going to be buying my beer tonight for putting me through that bullshit.”

“Yessss!” shouts Emily.“That means you’re going out with us.”

“Horan it is,” Kelley announces, because that’s what Sonnett gets for speaking first. She raises her eyebrows at Becky.“You comin’?”

“Oh no.I’m going to see all of you in less than a week... for weeks. Nope, not coming.”

“But that’s different,” Sonnett argues.“We can’t drink then.”

“Kid has a point,” Kelley winks at Sonnett. 

“One drink,” Christen chimes in.“You too, Lyss.” 

It’s the absolute _last_ thing Alyssa wants to do right now, she wants to curl up in bed and go to sleep so she can pretend the game never happened, but she also finds it hard to tell Christen no. “One drink.”

Christen texts Tobin, Lindsey, and AD to tell them to come around to the other side of the stadium.They’re pumped for a national team get together outside of camp. Sonnett and Lindsey pile in with their crackhead counterpart Kelley, Becky takes AD with her and kindly allows Zola to go back to her place so he doesn’t have to hang out with them another night this week. She promises she’ll be home in a hour, tops. Nic offers to drive, so she and Alyssa take Christen and Tobin with her, but Alyssa tells them they’re going to have to catch an Uber back to their hotel because she’s not staying long. 

On Kelley’s suggestion, they head to a laidback sports bar with tons of couches. It’s pretty slow inside since there aren’t any games on at the moment. Tobin announces she’s going to buy the first round of drinks - a peace offering - but Kelley refuses to let Tobin buy hers. “That’s for Horan to do, right Son?”Lindsey shoots Emily an annoyed look. Now Emily’s going to have to make that up to her too.AD heads to the bar with Tobin and Lindsey to help carry drinks. 

Beer and some good-natured teasing do wonders for the vibe of the group. They’re all appreciating this moment where everything is easy and uncomplicated before the storm that is about to come. Kelley’s girlfriend has her arm draped across Kelley’s shoulder, mindlessly playing with the stray hairs grazing the back of Kelley’s neck. Christen is sitting on the couch and Tobin is sitting on the floor in front of her, even though there’s an open seat right next to Christen, because, well Tobin does what Tobin wants and she doesn’t want to feel constrained by sitting on a couch. She’s gently running her fingers up and down Christen’s calf. Lindsey and Sonnett are sitting pressed up against each other, Lindsey’s hand never leaving Sonnett’s thigh for more than a a few seconds at a time. They’re clearly still very much in love almost a year into their relationship, and have figured the long-distance thing out.Lindsey laughs at every joke Emily makes. When Lindsey is talking, Emily still looks at her as if she’s the only person in the room who matters. And Alyssa is holding Nic’s hand, their fingers interlaced, while she rests her head on Nic’s shoulder. She’s not saying much, but she’s out with them, and it’s not lost on her teammates that’s a kind of big deal for her. 

Nic gets up to buy the second round of drinks, despite their protests that she doesn’t need to. But, she says that it’s the least she can do to thank them for making her feel so welcome. Becky declines, sticking to her one beer agreement.AD bums a ride back to the hotel with Becky because she wants to FaceTime her wife. Alyssa follows Nic to help her carry all the bottles. Standing next to her at the bar, Alyssa asks if they can leave after this round. She’s starting to reach her socialization limit, and her back and hip muscles ache from the game. 

As Alyssa sits back down on the couch, she tugs Nic down into her lap, and she sees a genuine smile appear on Nic’s face for the first time that evening, as if this small gesture from Alyssa is telling Nic that everything is ok. Nic wraps both arms around Alyssa’s neck, interlocking her fingers, angled perfectly so that she can cuddle into Alyssa’s neck or stare right into her eyes as she pleases. Alyssa’s not a big fan of eye contact, or PDA at all, but with a little bit of alcohol and this carefree human being, this seems different. Alyssa likes the way Nic smiles with her eyes, and the way she tilts her head affectionately towards her when they’re talking. She likes the way Nic’s skin feels under her palm as she rests her hand on her thigh. She likes the weight of Nic’s body on hers, with its calming effect.

“How is it that you look _so_ good after you’ve played a whole game?” Nic asks, stroking Alyssa’s cheek lightly. Alyssa smiles, which causes Nic to smile, which causes Alyssa to smile even bigger. It’s the first time she’s really smiled all night too. Alyssa isn’t always the best at communicating with words, but pay attention to the small changes in her face and in her eyes, and what’s she’s thinking and feeling are there. She feels like Nic can read her. 

Christen nudges Tobin with her foot. “Look at her. Look at them.Have you ever seen Alyssa like that?” 

And Tobin hasn’t, in all the years she’s known Alyssa, she’s never seen Alyssa show even a spark of interest in anyone, but certainly not enough to cuddle with anyone in public. “I guess after a while, I just figured she’d like join a convent after retirement,” Tobin quips.

“I can hear you, I’m sitting right across from you,” Alyssa says dryly.Tobin just shrugs, a silly grin on her face. 

“You must be something special to get Alyssa Naeher to come out of her shell like this,” Sonnett chimes in.

“Hush!” Lindsey smacks her on the arm. “Leave them alone.”She all too vividly remembers what it was like to be mercilessly teased by their teammates once everyone found out they were together.

Try as they might, the friends can’t keep their conversation from turning to their upcoming camp and the Olympic Games. But, Alyssa finds herself tuning them out, not purposely, but because her mind is elsewhere. Alyssa isn’t thinking about roommate assignments or their first round opponent; she’s thinking of the send off game and family banquet. 

It’s something that Pia started. The weekend of their final send off game before each Olympics and World Cup, US Soccer flies everyone’s entire family into town - parents, grandparents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and significant others. Everyone is put up in a hotel and goes to the game, and after that game, they basically have a huge party. It’s like one last moment of fun and freedom, and roommate assignments are thrown out the window that last night. Then, each player flies home with their family and stays for two nights, just to get that calming, grounding effect. It’s the last bit of quality time before they enter their national team bubble; from that point on, they won’t really see their loved ones until after each game, and that’s always far too brief. They’ll all fly back and meet in LA, and from there, be off to Japan for an adjustment period and another bit of training before the Games start. 

Alyssa can’t stop herself from thinking about how having someone there through it all might not be so bad.It seems like everyone on the team will have their partner there. She mentally runs through her teammates.

Kelley’s and Becky’s partners will both be there for sure. Zach, Serv, Sue, and Pierre will most likely be there, but it will depend on their respective games. Brian will be there, if Carli lets him.Pat Mewis will definitely be there, heading up the family section. Abby’s, Lynn’s, and Casey’s boyfriends will come, and so will AD’s wife.Everyone else is, well, dating each other.Except for Rose. And no one expects Rose to bring anyone because she’s basically still a child and it’s hard to meet someone when you spend all your free time playing dress up with your bulldog. That just leaves Alyssa.And while it might not be so bad, or even noticeable, because it’s so, so many people, for the first time in as long as she remembers, Alyssa finds herself yearning to have a significant other there too, to not be left out.

_But should she invite Nic?_That’s still up in the air right now. Her hang up isn’t that she doesn’t want her teammates and family to know, almost half of the team is gay anyway, is more that she really doesn’t know if it’s too soon._ What happens if she invites Nic and then it doesn’t work out?Everyone else is either married or in a long-term relationship. Her’s is no where near that level of commitment yet.And why if Nic thinks it’s too soon?_ _What if an invitation to spend the weekend with Alyssa family and closest friends scares her off?_

“Lyss?Lyss? Hey!Earth to Alyssa!” Alyssa is snapped back to reality by Christen’s voice. “We’re ready to head back to the hotel.Can we come with you or are you really going to make us take an Uber?”Alyssa stares at Christen blankly.

“We’ll take y’all back,” Nic jumps in.The foursome say their goodbyes, leaving Kelley to hang out with her favorite human, Emily Sonnett, because despite her girlfriend being ready to leave, Kelley would like another beer. 

They drop Tobin and Christen off, complete with the usual pleasantries of “Good game,” and “See ya next week!” But Christen hangs back for a second as Tobin headed inside, leaning into the passenger window and whispering something into Alyssa’s ear. Alyssa gets the courage to ask Nic if she can stay at her house tonight. She knows she shouldn’t, because it’s starting to feel like she could spend every night there, but she really doesn’t want to be alone tonight. They decide to leave Alyssa’s car back at the Rio Tinto player lot, where it’s locked in and safe, so she doesn’t have to drive; Nic hadn’t ordered a beer that last round, so it was much better for her to be driving anyway. 

Nic goes to her dresser, pulling out clothes for Alyssa to sleep in. While she’s rummaging thorough, without turning around, she asks Alyssa, “Do you want a drawer so you can keep some stuff here?You know, for nights like this when you decide not to go home?” Her voice is timid, hesitant.

Alyssa’s heart skips a beat. It’s one the sweetest things anyone’s ever asked her.And, it seems like maybe this is serious to Nic too, at least serious enough that she doesn’t seem to mind Alyssa making a habit of staying over.But Alyssa tries to play it cool. “You don’t like me sleeping in your clothes?” 

“It’s not that at all,” Nic says, throwing a t-shirt and shorts at Alyssa as if to prove her wrong.

“I know,” Alyssa replies, closing the distance between them.“I’d love a drawer.”She takes Nic’s face into her hands and kisses her.

They climb into bed together, sliding under the covers, Nic holding Alyssa from behind. Alyssa takes her hand and pulls her arm around her tightly, their hands settling into Alyssa’s stomach. The pressure against her back eases her nerves immediately. For someone who avoided touch for so many years, the new found comfort she is discovering in it is strange. And sometimes, it’s a bit overwhelming for her. 

“Thanks for coming tonight, to the game and out with everybody after. They really like you.”

“I really like them too.”

“And I really like you, too,” Alyssa adds.

“I really like you too,” Nic smiles back, kissing Alyssa’s shoulder.


	18. Nature

Alyssa opens her eyes, blinking a few times, and stretches.Pain courses through her body. Her shoulder especially hurts; she must have gotten kicked saving that breakaway and not even realized it.Other than being in pain, she feels surprisingly rested considering how much she’s been worrying lately. It’s still pretty dark outside, and she reasons that the lack of warmth on her back is probably what woke her. She turns over to see Nic sitting up against the headboard on her phone. 

“Morning, beautiful,” she says pressing a kiss into Alyssa’s forehead and bringing a smile to her face. 

“What are you doing?Why are you awake?” Alyssa asks.

Nic laughs. “I always wake up this early, usually without an alarm.I’ve just been sleeping in with you because it’s so comfortable, but I had some _important_ research to do this morning.”

“What kind of research?” 

“Hiking trails. Christen told me about some of her favorites last night.I was thinking maybe we could check one out today, if you want to?” she adds hesitantly. 

Before Alyssa even thinks about what she’s agreeing to, she says yes.She should be heading to the training facility and getting in an ice bath. Hell, she should have gotten in the ice bath last night but Kelley kept telling her to hurry up because they had people waiting for them. This thing with Nic is impacting her decisions.But, she can get in an ice bath later, and it’s always good to get moving the day after a game, to work out the soreness, - hiking will do that.But ugh.It’s _hiking_.And yoga would serve the exact same purpose but be indoors. She’s about to suggest yoga actually, until she sees the excitement in Nic’s face and remembers her girlfriend runs a nature school, so yeah, she’s probably going to have to get outside. 

Nic goes to take a shower; Alyssa wanders into her kitchen and looks through cabinets until she finds a French press so she can make coffee. This thing with Nic is impacting her decisions,but at the same time, it’s certainly doesn’t seem like it would be a bad life - it’s all so... d_omestic_. She can’t fathom the idea of going to parties and events like Ash and Ali, or going to bars and clubs like Kelley, but making coffee in the morning, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, doing crossword puzzles, those are things she can absolutely imagine doing with Nic. 

Nic loads her dog up into her car and they head over to Alyssa’s apartment so she can change. Nic laughs at her when she asks, “So what does one wear to go hiking?”They drive for a short distance to Neff’s Canyon.It’s still early, not even 8, and the trail is almost completely empty. They hike for about a mile before coming to a stream, and Nic lets Koopa off-leash to splash around.After a minute, she takes off her shoes and follows him into the water, motioning Alyssa to follow her.She laughs and shakes her head, sitting down on a rock. 

Nic walks back out of the water towards her.“C’mon,” she insists. “there’s no other way to cross the trail, you’re going to have to get your feet wet sometime.Might as well have some fun and splash around first.”

Alyssa starts to laugh at what she thinks is a joke, until she looks, horrified, and realizes that there is, in fact, no other way to continue on the trail.“We’re heading back then, right?”

“Not a chance!We’re just getting started!” Nic tilts her head and furrowsher brow as she tries to decide just how serious Alyssa is about not crossing the stream. 

She decides Alyssa can handle it and squats down, unlacing Alyssa’s shoes while Alyssa stares at her like she’s insane. “Just when I was starting to think hiking wasn’t so bad...” Alyssa shakes her head. 

Standing, Nic grabs Alyssa’s hands and lifts her to her feet.She backs slowly towards the water, pulling Alyssa with her. Alyssa lets out a few choice words between clenched teeth as the water hits her feet. It’s ice cold. But after a minute, the pins and needles go away and it’s kind of nice - like an ice bath for her feet and ankles.  Nic reaches up towards Alyssa’s face, pulling her down and into a kiss.Just then, Koopa come up and jumps on them, getting his wet paws all over them. Alyssa laughs at Nic as she scolds him. 

Nic goes back and gathers their shoes and socks, and they continue to the other side of the stream, pausing again for a few minutes to let their feet dry in the sun while Koopa continues to run around like a maniac, splashing in the water. Nic finds a stick and plays fetch with him. Alyssa watches a change take place in Nic; she’s just so relaxed and seemingly unbothered by anything now that she’s out here in the wilderness. Her smile is so free, her shoulders without tension. It makes Alyssa wonder if there’s something to bring out in nature, something that’s grounding or renewing. 

They continue on their way for another two miles as the trail gets more narrow and steeper.Alyssa finds the sudden elevation gain slightly challenging given her fitness level.It’s a whole different type of workout. They reach the top of the ridge and are rewarded with stunning views of the canyon below. Alyssa is in awe of the fact that she’s lived in the area for months and had no idea that this was basically in her backyard. 

They sit down on the side of the slope to rest and take in the scenery, Nic in between Alyssa’s legs leaning back into her, Alyssa’s arms wrapped around her chest. “Thank you for bringing me out here,” Alyssa says softly, leaning forward to give her a kiss on the cheek. 

After a few minutes of silence, Alyssa decides to bring up something she’s been wondering about.“You haven’t told me about your last relationship.”

“You haven’t asked,” Nic replies.

“Well why did it end?” 

“Because of this,” Nic gestures to the landscape around her. “Because I moved for my job and my ex didn’t want to come and didn’t want to do a long-distance relationship.”She goes on to explain what she does in more detail than she had before.Six years ago, she decided to quit her job as a counselor, move to Portland, and open a 100% outdoor school. She ran it for two years and then moved back home to Austin, where she opened another, and two years later, she moved to San Antonio and this time opened one that was 100% for children of low-income families, whose costs were subsidized by the state. That one was the one she was the most proud of,and San Antonio was where she had met her ex. But it was coming up on her two year timeline and she was looking for another location to open. She found out in March that her proposal for a daycare in Utah was approved, which is what led to the breakup.

“Why move every two years?” Alyssa asks.

“Well, I’m really particular about how the daycares are set up and run. Two years gives me enough time to get everything the way I want it, which is modeled off the forest kindergartens in Europe, not the half-ass examples we had in the US before. In two years, I can handpick the staff that is going to replace me and run the place. It gives me enough time to train them.”

“So I guess the relationship wasn’t very serious if you were just able to walk away like that?” 

“What?No.That’s not it at all. I was in love. But my ex didn’t want to move because of her family. And I couldn’t stay.”Nic corrects herself. “Well, I could have stayed, financially speaking.I could live off the money I make off the ones I’ve already opened.Heck, I could have just gone back to running the one I opened in San Antonio, but...” her voice trails off. 

“This is your passion,” Alyssa finishes her sentence. 

“Exactly.I believe in this with every fiber of my being. That kids need to move to learn, not be sitting in desks, that the outdoors is grounding, that natural light and fresh air stimulate the body, that by developing an appreciation for nature in these kids, we’ll grow better humans who will eventually be the ones to save the planet. Every school I can open means hundreds or even thousands of kids eventually who benefit from this education. And if I stop, I won’t be able to afford to reach the kids I really want to reach, which are the kids from families who are in the lower socioeconomic range. Like the one I’m opening here - 50% of the seats are set aside for students of low income families. Part of the revenue from the other schools goes to make this possible.”

Alyssa nods.

“So she wanted me to stay, she wouldn’t even give a long distance relationship a try, but I just couldn’t stay. She broke up with me. But I couldn’t stay any more than you would quit soccer if someone told you to. It’s your job, it’s your _passion_. You wouldn’t give it up because of an ultimatum, I don’t think. I don’t like ultimatums”

Alyssa nods in agreement again. “So you’re just going to keep moving every two years?”

“I mean - no, not forever. Eventually, I’ll want kids and then I won’t be able to do that. At that point, I will probably have to stay put. Maybe open my last location and actually run it forever.Settle down.”

“So where are you going next?”

“Oh, I have no idea. I can literally go anywhere, which is kind of cool.”

That doesn’t sound too bad to Alyssa. But something else is bothering her. Nic seems so unfazed by the fact that her almost two year relationship ended just three months ago. If that were Alyssa, she would be in no condition to date right now. She calls Nic on it. “Isn’t it too soon, you know? Like your relationship just ended.And you seem so - so - ok.”

Nic moves out from under Alyssa’s hold, turning so she can face her girlfriend. “I’m not ok.Well, I wasn’t. Until...Anyway, I I spent plenty of nights here crying and thinking I made the wrong choice, but I always came back to the same thing - I’m doing this to try to change the framework of the educational system in this country, and its benefiting a whole hell of a lot of kids in the process.That’s what got me through when I was struggling. And as far the timing, well, you can thank Kelley for me being ok with that.”

Alyssa looks at her quizzically. 

“That night, when I first met you, when you went to the bathroom, I texted Kelley.I told her that I appreciated her setting us up but that it was too soon.”

A concerned look spreads across Alyssa’s face. 

“Your friend said something really profound,” Nic continues. “She said that after a breakup, we’re conditioned to believe that we have to wait some long amount of time before we allow ourselves to love and be loved again, as if we’re self-flagellating because we think that we don’t deserve happiness. And then she said something about there’s no wrong time, things happen exactly when they’re supposed to, but sometimes we don’t listen to our hearts or our gut. So she told me if I liked you, I should listen to those things.And that’s why I gave you my number.It wasn’t easy.It hasn’t been easy,” she admits. 

_Fucking Kelley O’Hara, with her Stanford education that she’s always bragging about, is a goddamn genius,_ Alyssa thinks to herself. But almost immediately, that thought is replaced by another - Alyssa’s not the only one who’s been worried and scared the past week; they’ve both been dealing with these emotions.Suddenly, she sees the woman in front of her in a different light - she’s got a bigger heart than Alyssa ever could have imagined, she’s vulnerable, she’s brave.Alyssa feels something in her chest that she’s not quite ready to feel, and it terrifies her and warms her all at the same time. 

“You’re not a rebound to me, you know?” Nic interrupts her train of thought. “I don’t need a rebound. I don’t just date to date. I meant what I said when I told you I really like you,” she tries to assure Alyssa.

But Alyssa knows she’s moving beyond like, and she doesn’t want to say it and she doesn’t even know how to say it if she did want to. She she does the next best thing she can think of which is to kiss Nic, to join their lips together, to taste her chapstick, to use her tongue to establish dominance that she doesn’t really even feel entitled to, because in that moment, she feels weak. 


	19. I Like You That Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. Sorry if that’s not your jam.

Their kiss is interrupted by muddy dog paws tackling Nic to the ground and a big fluffy dog trying to sit in Alyssa’s lap. She tries to look horrified, but it’s hard seeing her girlfriend now laying on her side, shoulders covered in mud. She starts laughing instead. “I think he’s jealous,” Nic laughs too.

“Aren’t dogs supposed to be able to sense things?Like, I’m not a dog person,” Alyssa admits, “doesn’t he sense that?”

“Maybe he senses you’re not really _not_ a dog person?Or maybe he senses how much I like you?” Nic shrugs.

“And how much is that?” Alyssa queries, reaching out her hand to pull Nic back up. 

“I thought I told you,” Nic squints into the sun. “I like you.A lot.”She stands and now pulls Alyssa to her feet so they can begin their 3 mile trek back to the car.

“That’s very vague,” Alyssa argues. Nic just shrugs again, but Alyssa really wants to know what that really means.“Do you like me enough to come over tonight, even though I’ve basically monopolized your entire weekend?” she asks.

“Absolutely.My weekend would have been boring with you you.”Somehow Alyssa doubts that. 

“Do you like me enough to give me a massage?Because my back is killing me from yesterday.”

“Don’t you have people for that?” Nic jokes. 

“Yes, but not this late in the day. I missed treatment this morning.But I wanted to,” she quickly adds. “I mean, it’s not that bad, I’m just sore. I wanted to come hiking with you. And that dog.” She winks towards Koopa. Maybe he’s growing on her.

“Well, I’m not going to be anywhere near as good as your professional masseuse, but I’ll try my best,” Nic promises.

They continue down the path in silence for another mile, the only sounds are the crunching of their shoes on the ground, the birds chirping, and the rush of water as they near the crossing point.There’s another question Alyssa wants to ask, but she feels like maybe she shouldn’t.Well part of her feels that.The rest of her needs to know. “Do you like me enough to to come out to California for our Olympic sendoff game?” she finally asks, timidly.

Nic looks at her in surprise.“If I can swing it with work, sure!When is it?” 

“July 8th.You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Alyssa says, trying to give her an out.“I just thought... since I won’t see you for long...”

But Nic doesn’t want an out.“Why wouldn’t I want to go?”She slips her hand into Alyssa’s.“See my girlfriend play for the national team?Heck yes!If I can be there, i definitely want to be there.”

Alyssa smiles to herself, but then remembers there’s one more thing - her family will be there and realistically, it’s way to soon to introduce them,but she doesn’t really have a choice if she wants Nic to come. And she wants Nic to be there. With even more trepidation in her voice, she adds, slowly, “Myfamily will be there.”

Nic lets out a controlled breath and doesn’t say anything, as if she’s waiting to see where Alyssa is going with this before responding. “I don’t know how you feel about that,” Alyssa finally manages to get out.Alyssa doesn’t know how she feels about it either. She’s only introduced her family to two women and both of them she dated for months first. Heck, she didn’t introduce her last girlfriend to her parents until they had moved in together. She really can’t stand the silence. It’s making her feel like she’s on the verge of a panic attack as her chest tightens. “Is it too weird?” she finally asks.

“No,” Nic says, sounding unsure.“It seems a bit inevitable given that setting, I guess. We’re all adults.I don’t mind meeting them if you’re ok with it.I like you _that_ much,” she says, squeezing Alyssa’s hand reassuringly. Alyssa pulls Nic’s hand to her mouth, kissing the back of it softly. She’s beyond relieved.

* * *

Nic drops Alyssa off at the Royals facility so she can get treatment and pick up her car. Alyssa is surprised to find Kelley sitting with her ankle in the ice bath.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Kelley shoots her daggers. “It’s just sore. I’m fine.”But it makes Alyssa concerned- it’s the same ankle that Kelley hurt during the victory tour.Alyssa doesn’t say anything, but Kelley repeats “I’m fine,” again and Alyssa thinks it sounds more like Kelley’s trying to convince herself of that than anyone else. 

Alyssa peels off her t-shirt sinks down into the ice bath next to Kelley, submerging herself up to her neck.The string of curse words that flows from her mouth is way more intense than it was when she was standing in the icy snow melt stream. She hates ice baths with a passion and every time she has to take one, she’s thankful that she’s a goalkeeper and it’s a rarity. 

When the timer buzzes, they move to the treatment tables and Kelley helps Alyssa hook the stem pads onto her upper back before getting the ultrasound machine turned on to use on her own ankle. Kelley’s actually being very quiet, which makes Alyssa even more worried about her ankle, but she knows not to push her. “Kell?” Alyssa says her name quietly, turning to look at her teammate. She sees Kelley’s body tense and her jaw clench in anticipation of Alyssa asking about her ankle. Instead, all she says is “Thank you.”She’s been needing to say that.

“Hmmm?” Kelley doesn’t know what she’s talking about. 

“For...you know.”

“Oh.Oohhh.So things with your not girlfriend are going well!” Kelley says excitedly.  
  


“You don’t have to call her that,” Alyssa says. 

“_Nic_,” Kelley corrects herself. 

“No, I mean, we’re - she’s - “

“Oh my god. Alyssa Naeher has a girlfriend,”  Kelley’s yells at the top of her lungs obnoxiously. But she doesn’t have an audience, and she finds that utterly disappointing. Alyssa buries her head in the pillow. “You have to give me details. Is the sex good?” Kelley is annoyingly intrusive.

“Kelley!”Alyssa is horrified.

Kelley, on the other hand, just shrugs, until she remembers that Alyssa is never part of their explicit and inappropriate sex talks in hotel rooms when they’re on the road.Still though, she should get used to it and open up Kelley decides. After all, they’ve known each other for years. “Like how many orgasms good?” she continues. It’s no different than how she talked to Lindsey when she saw her the first time after she found out her and Sonnett were hooking up.

“Kelley!”This time, Alyssa smacks her with a pillow. But she knows that Kelley isn’t going to stop so she adds, “We haven’t done anything.” 

Kelley is shocked.“Why not?”

“I don’t know, I guess we’re taking it slow.”

“But why? Slow is _so overrated_. And you know what’s not overrated?Sex is not overrated.You should try it sometime.”

“Like you’re one to talk.”

At this, Kelley blushes.“That’s different. She _was_ straight.” 

Alyssa is referring to Kelley’s partner, who Kelley hung out with for weeks before finally kissing her, and she waited months before they finally slept together. The same woman that Kelley said ‘I love you’ to before she had sex with, which was unheard of for Kelley O’Hara. “She was so into you when you met.I’ve never seen you take something so slow.”

“I wanted to be sure. I wanted _her_ to be sure. I didn’t want her to wake up in the morning and regret something. Or to hate me.Or worse, hate herself,” Kelley admits. “You’re girl is gay. Neither one of you is going to regret anything the next morning.”

And once again, Alyssa realizes Kelley might be right, which would usually annoy her, but today it doesn’t. The feelings she’s developing for Nic are becoming more intense.Kelley interrupts her train of thought.“You know, there was a research study done about what the appropriate time to wait to have sex is.And scientists concluded that it’s after spending 36 hours together. If you wait too long, that desire actually starts to drop.”

Alyssa looks skeptical; she can’t imagine her desire dropping. “It’s science,” Kelley shrugs. 

And here’s the thing, as obnoxious as Kelley is, Alyssa knows she’s actually really intelligent and she stores a ton of useless, and sometimes useful, stuff in her brain.She’s probably right about this, too.Alyssa runs through the past week in her head. They’ve definitely spent a more than 36 hours together by now, if sleeping counts. But it’s such a big thing and it’s been so long and it’s, well, it’s scary.

Her treatment finished, Alyssa reaches around and peels the pads from her back.Kelley has started band work on her ankle. “Leaving already?”Kelley sounds a tad disappointed. Alyssa nods.“Y’all want to come to dinner tomorrow night?I don’t know where we’re going, somewhere fancy, but we can change the reservation to four.”

“I’ll ask her,” Alyssa promises. 

“Ok,but remember, I have her number too, so I’m gonna make sure you do.”And then, as Alyssa is heading out of the training room, Kelley adds, “Hey Lyss, you don’t want to go to Tokyo with all that pent up sexual energy and no way to deal with it.Well, I mean, there’s a _way_, but you know,” she corrects herself. “Just something to think about,” she adds cheerfully, drawing a groan and a middle finger from Alyssa. 


	20. Hurt

Nic shows up at Alyssa’s a little after 7 with a pizza and a bottle of wine, and Alyssa finds that her heart drops momentarily when she sees that Nic doesn’t have a bag with her. It’s not like they had talked about her staying, they had just talked about her coming over, but still... one can hope, right?Nic breaks Alyssa’s train of thought making a joke about pizza being Italian and wine going with Italian food, so it works, right? 

Alyssa stands back, leaning against the wall, as she watches Nic move easily through her kitchen. It’s as if she has always been there, grabbing plates, wine glasses, a bottle opener, napkins.She asks Alyssa where her candles are and Alyssa gives her a confused look.She laughs and jokes that Alyssa’s ruined her plan for a romantic dinner of pizza by candlelight.She sets the table, minus the candles, because even if they’re just having pizza, she wants it to be nice.  Nic catches Alyssa watching her, and shoots her a wink which brings a big, genuine smile to Alyssa’s face, the one where you can see the smile lines on each side of her mouth and the hint of a dimple. Alyssa is in awe of just how easily this woman fits into her life. 

Nic serves them each a couple of slices of pizza and pours wine. Alyssa stares at her pizza. There’s pineapple on it. “Pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza,” she says, staring at it. 

“It does. Have you tried it? Because don’t knock it until you try it.Fruit and cheese go together like... hmmm...” she searches for a comparison, “like you and me.”

“Well that’s a bold statement.This better be good,” Alyssa jokes.Nic watches her take a bite, watches the corners of her mouth curl up in a smile.“That is good,” Alyssa laughs. 

“See it’s good. Just like us.” Nic reaches across the table to squeeze Alyssa’s free hand.“It’s that combination of salty and sweet,” she explains. 

“Which one of us is the salty one?” Alyssa jokes.

“Certainly not me,” Nic says, incredulous. “I saw a little saltiness in you during that game, when they called the PK.”

“That call was fucking bullshit,” Alyssa argues.

“See?Salty.” Nic points at Alyssa, who rolls her eyes. 

They finish eating and Nic clears the table, while Alyssa complains that she’s babying her, but it’s one of those almost obligatory complaints, because the truth is, Alyssa’s never had anyone take care of her. They settle in with another glass of wine to get caught up on the crossword puzzles they haven’t been doing. 

Halfway through the first one, Nic stands and moves behind Alyssa, her hands landing on Alyssa’s traps - the massage she promised. “Where does it hurt?” she asks kindly.

“Right there.And my neck.And here,” she reaches back pointing to her rhomboid.“And all down between my ribs,” she adds, running her fingers up and down her lats.

“Well ok then, I’ll do my best.” Nic chuckles.“Where’s your lotion?”Alyssa tells her and Nic retrieves it from her nightstand. When she returns, she brushes the stray hairs off of Alyssa’s neck, and Alyssa finds herself picturing Nic kissing her there.She slides her fingers up and down the muscles on the back of Alyssa’s neck, working gently at first because the knots in her neck are tender.Alyssa groans into the hurt.

Nic leans forward and whispers in Alyssa’s ear, “Take your shirt off.”Alyssa knows it’s just so she can use lotion on her shoulders, and she’s had her shirt off with Nic before, but this time, it hits different.Being asked to take it off for Nic, the way her voice dips when she says it, makes it hard for Alyssa to breathe.Alyssa closes her eyes.“Holy shit!” Nic shouts, interrupting the moment. “That bruise is insane!”

“Yep, it’s a bad one.Part of the job.Don’t massage there, for sure!”Nic bends down and kisses the bruise as softly as possible.Then, she begins working with long strokes from Alyssa’s rhomboids to her traps, trying to get her thumbs deep enough to soften the muscles.“Relax. I can’t do my job like this,” she implores Alyssa. 

“I can’t.I can’t relax when you’re touching me.You make me nervous.”The cadence of Alyssa’s speech is broken, as if her breath keeps getting caught in her throat. 

“Well what are we going to do about that?” Nic asks coyly.She bends down and kisses Alyssa’s shoulder softly.

“Not that,” Alyssa manages to get out. Nic keeps kissing her way up Alyssa’s shoulder, dropping soft kisses up the side of her neck to her ear.Alyssa shivers. “That’s not gonna do it either.”Nic lets her fingers fall to the front of Alyssa collarbone, and up to her exposed throat, tipping her chin up.She leans around and kisses Alyssa softly, briefly.Alyssa’s mind is racing.There’s no way to relax like this.“That isn’t helping,” Alyssa whispers.

“No?” Nic asks innocently. “Should I stop?” Alyssa shakes her head. “Then you’re gonna have to relax,” Nic repeats. 

Alyssa takes a couple of deep breaths. She should be able to relax, to slow her breathing, to control her pulse. Hell, it’s not like she hasn’t worked on these exact skills with a professional. She was able to keep her heart rate almost completely normal during the penalty kick she faced in the World Cup semifinal - the proof was in the Viper data that they looked at the following morning, just a slight acceleration.This should be a breeze.But it’s not. 

She leans forward as Nic’s hands move farther down her back, her thumbs running from her spine out in between each pair of ribs. Her fingers wrap around Alyssa’s front, grazing her breasts over her sports bra. Alyssa shivers.She lowers her head, resting it on her arms on the table in front of her, crossword forgotten. 

“Deeper,” Alyssa asks. She can handle the pain. Nic does what she’s told, drawing a sharp inhale from Alyssa. She holds her breath as long as possible before letting it all out in a rush. It hurts so good. 

Nic doesn’t stop until she is thoroughly satisfied that she has worked out all of the knots she could find. It’s a slow process because Alyssa seriously won’t relax and Nic resorts to poking her in the ribs and making her laugh, because that makes her more relaxed than anything else.She pats Alyssa on the back.“All done,” she says proudly, handing Alyssa her shirt off of the table. “Feel better?”

Alyssa just holds onto her shirt awkwardly, but doesn’t put it back on.“I do, thanks.”Alyssa is now leaning back in her chair, legs spread wide, and Nic has come around in front of her, and is sitting back on the table between Alyssa’s legs.They’re holding eye contact, but not talking.Neither of them wants to be the one to break it.Alyssa finally gets the confidence to stand.Cupping Nic’s face in her hands, she kisses her softly.As the kiss builds in intensity, she lifts Nic slightly so that she’s sitting on the table now. Alyssa wishes Nic’s shirt wasn’t on, wishes she had the confidence to do something about it. 

But Nic pulls away.“I have work tomorrow,” she mumbles. “We both do.I should get home.”

“No.”It comes out too quickly, and Alyssa fears, too forcefully.Nic leans back, sizing her up.She looks like she’s about to say something, but she stop herself. “I like it when you stay.I want to fall asleep with you every night until I have to leave.” Alyssa’s voice is softer now. 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”Nic sounds skeptical.

“No,” Alyssa admits. But all she can do is the next thing that feels right, not worry too much about the future, and this is what feels right.“I don’t know how to do this, I just know falling asleep next to you feels right.”She pulls Nic back into her, peppering her jaw line with kisses until she reaches her ear.“Stay,” she whispers, and she feels Nic shiver in her arms. 

Nic grabs Alyssa’s face with one hand, her fingertips on one cheek and her thumb on the other. “How am I supposed to say no to you?” she asks, searching Alyssa’s eyes. 

“You’re not?”Its a question, not a statement. Alyssa certainly isn’t confident by any means.She wants Nic to stay, she knows that, but it still scares her because at some point, they’re mouths are going to move past lips, and their hands are going to move past breasts, and they’re going to end up without clothes on and Alyssa feels overwhelmed by that.But she also feels turned on by those possibilities. _How is it possible to want something so bad and yet be so afraid of it_? she wonders.

Nic can see the worry on Alyssa’s face and she tries to kiss it away, planting small kisses on her forehead, eyelids, the bridge of her nose, her cheeks, and finally, her lips.Her hands fall to Alyssa’s waist.Alyssa loves the way Nic’s hands feel on her bare skin, burning her in that way she can’t resist. 

Alyssa pulls her off the table, leading her towards the bedroom.“I knew you were gonna convince me to stay,” Nic teases.“That’s why I didn’t dress up for you.Already ready for bed.” Alyssa laughs, sitting down on the edge of her bed, but they’re interrupted by Nic’s phone buzzing. “Why is Kelley texting me about dinner tomorrow?”

“Shit!” Alyssa smacks her head.“I forgot to ask you.She wants us to go on a double date to some fancy restaurant.So do you want to go?”

Nic pauses for a moment, sending a text. “I just told Kelley we’ll be there.She said she’s not leaving anything up to you anymore.”Alyssa rolls her eyes. 

Nic moves towards Alyssa, wrapping her arms around her neck and slowly forcing her to scoot back on the bed. She straddles Alyssa, who leans back onto her hands, looking up at her girlfriend.Nic peels her shirt off.“Should I keep going?” she asks softly, referring to her sports bra.Alyssa swallows hard and nods. Nic lifts that over her head to, watching with a smirk as Alyssa takes in the view.She nods towards Alyssa’s sports bra.“Fair is fair.”Alyssa sits up and allows Nic to lift her bra over her head. Nic’s eyes don’t leave Alyssa’s though, and in an instant, they’re kissing again.Nic pushes Alyssa down onto the bed.She’s on all fours, on top of her. 

“Hey google, turn off the bedroom light.” Alyssa says sternly. Nic smiles into another kiss. Alyssa flips her over, propping herself up on her elbow and appreciating her girlfriend from above. Alyssa’s free hand finds Nic’s nipple, twisting it between her fingers, while she kisses her neck and collarbone, careful not to leave a mark. Her hand slides down along Nic’s abs as she slowly appreciates each cut. She pauses briefly at the top of her shorts, before letting her hand brush between Nic’s legs. “I - I - I - don’t know what to do,” she stammers. “I haven’t...”. She knows she’s blushing again.

“You haven’t had sex?” Nic interrupts when Alyssa doesn’t finish her sentence.

“No, no, I have, I...”

“Haven’t been with a woman?”

“No, I’ve only been with women,” Alyssa laughs nervously.“I haven’t been with anyone in a really, really long time. I feel like I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t think it works like that,” Nic assures her.“I don’t think you forget how to have sex.”But she doesn’t want Alyssa feeling uncomfortable, worrying, and so she easily flips her over because Alyssa is too nervous to resist.“You don’t have to do anything,” she adds, stroking her face gently. 

Alyssa wants to tell her that it’s not that. She wants to do things. She wants to taste Nic and be inside her.She wants to watch her orgasm. She wants to feel that kind of closeness and connection. But she’s so paralyzingly afraid that she won’t be _good_ anymore, that she’s forgotten how to be good at it, and she doesn’t want to disappoint her girlfriend. And now she’s feels worse because she’s for sure disappointing her now.

But Nic is kissing her again, so deeply and with such want, that it seems like she genuinely doesn’t mind at all, which is mind blowing to Alyssa. She doesn’t have time to keep worrying about it though, because Nic’s mouth is on her neck, then her collarbone, and then her breast, and her hand is cupping the other one, gently flicking the nipple. And then her head is dipping below Alyssa’s breasts and softly kissing a trail down her stomach while her fingers drag down her ribs, and stop at her side.And then she’s asking permission to take off Alyssa’s sweats. Alyssa can only manage a nod as she bites her lip, but she helps by lifting her hips so Nic can remove them. 

She knows she’s wet and she worries that Nic can tell that through her underwear as she kisses her way back up Alyssa’s thigh.But she skips over that part and comes back up to Alyssa’s face, focusing all of her attention on her lips. They kiss until they’re both breathless, which happens sooner than it should because Nic is grinding her hip bone into Alyssa’s center with each kiss, and it’s driving Alyssa closer and closer to the edge. Nic finally rolls onto one elbow and starts to let her fingers dip below the waistband of Alyssa’s underwear, when Alyssa panics. _What if she tastes bad or smells bad?What if Nic asks her what she wants?She doesn’t know what she wants.What if she’s too loud?What if she can’t orgasm?_

She grabs Nic’s wrist.“Stop.”Her voice is shaky and full of hurt and embarrassment. “I can’t - I can’t do this.”There are tears in her eyes and she’s doing everything she can to stop them from falling. But when Nic looks at her so tenderly, and whispers “it’s ok, we’re ok,” they tumble down her cheeks. She doesn’t want to explain what she’s feeling; it’s too embarrassing. And even if she wanted to, she couldn’t because her chest if heaving uncontrollably as she sobs. Nic just keeps repeating “I’m sorry,” over and over, and it makes Alyssa feel even worse,because it’s not her girlfriend’s fault.She buries her head into Nic’s chest, holding on to Nic as Nic holds onto her.She feels Nic running her fingers through her hair, trying to calm her down, and when that doesn’t work, she feels  those unique, small trailing circles on her back. That works wonders and Alyssa finds her breathing slowly returning to normal as her tears subside. 

“Should I leave?” Nic asks. Alyssa can her the concern and fear in her voice. 

Alyssa shakes her head, still buried in Nic’s chest.“Please don’t go,” she mumbles. “It’s not you, it’s me.”She realizes how ridiculous that line sounds, but she means it. “Will you just stay and hold me?” 

Nic lays down, finding a more comfortable position,but doesn’t let go and doesn’t move a muscle once Alyssa is comfortable, until she is positive Alyssa has drifted off to sleep. 

* * *

The next morning, when Alyssa opens her eyes, it’s still dark in her bedroom.Immediately, something feels off and she rolls over to find the other side of her bed empty. Her apartment is completely silent ; Nic is gone. She looks at her phone: 6:39 am.She lays there in the darkness, crying. She did this. She’s the one who asked Nic to stay, she’s the one who let it progress. And then she’s the one who stopped it. But even worse, she’s the one who let her girlfriend think it was her own fault, when it wasn’t. At all. She had the chance to say something, to at least try to make it right, and she didn’t. 

This is exactly why she never should have gotten involved with someone. Not now. Not when the detestation she’s feeling is probably going to carry over onto the field. It hurts too much. She has to find a way to pull herself together; she has to be at training in a few hours. She rolls out of bed to go to the bathroom. Sitting on the floor under a hot shower seems like the only thing she can muster in the moment


	21. The Note

Alyssa gets in the shower, not even bothering to turn on the bathroom light. She sits under the hot water, letting it burn her skin, forgetting about time altogether. The pain washing over her body dulls her other senses. 

Over and hour later, she finally makes her way out of the shower flipping on the light and leaning against the counter, supporting her weight with her arms. She looks up, trying to gauge just how red her eyes are to figure out if the redness will go away before training. 

That’s when she sees it - a piece of paper folded in thirds and taped to her mirror. The outside bears her name. She peels it off and opens it, sliding down against the wall until she’s sitting on the floor. 

The note reads:

_Morning beautiful.I wanted to wake you up to say bye, but you looked so peaceful that I couldn’t do it. I’m really sorry about last night. I hope you’re ok. I hope we’re ok. Alyssa, I really care about you.I just want you to know that. Call me when you wake up, if you want to. Have a good practice_.

It’s signed with only a heart.

Alyssa’s breathing is shaky as she rests her head in her hands. _She’s not mad; she just had to go to work. _Relief washes over Alyssa like a warm, heavy blanket. She leans her head back against the wall and takes a deep breath, the corners of her mouth turning up in the slightest of smiles. Nic cares about her. _Really cares_ about her. Cares about her enough to give her another chance to get this right, at least.

She leans forward and grabs her phone off the counter, wiping the condensation off, and calls Nic.She melts when she hears that familiar voice - tender, kind, possibly relieved too - say “Hey, baby.” 

It sounds like Nic is driving, but she can’t focus on that right now.“You’re not mad at me?” she blurts out. 

“Mad at you?” Nic chuckles a little.“For what?” 

“For last night, Alyssa says sheepishly.

“What?Why would I be mad at you?”Nic sounds genuinely confused. 

“Because. I- I’m sorry.”Alyssa doesn’t know how to explain what she’s feeling, so she figures an apology is the next best thing. 

“Baby.I’m not even a little mad at you.I was worried you were mad at me.I’m sorry if I pushed you.I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t. I wanted to- I just got too into my head. Too worried about- about- things.”

“Well, when you’re ready, we can talk about whatever you’re worried about, if you want.But Baby? We don’t have to do anything. You’re more too me than that. I don’t care about that. I care about you.”

But figures they can talk about that later too, because she _wants_ to do things. For now though, she changes the subject. “What are you doing?”

“I’m headed to Colorado. The investors wanted me to check out some land in Grand Junction.They’re trying to get me to open another forest kindergarten there next year. It’s too soon. I think they want me to franchise. I told them I’d have a look, but that’s all.”Alyssa is relieved at the normalcy in Nic’s voice.“Don’t worry though, I’ll be home in time to go to dinner tonight, if you still want to. I know how much you’re looking forward to spending more time with Kelley,” she jokes. 

“I was afraid I was going to have to cancel on her,” Alyssa admits. Nic snorts. “Can I pick you up? 6:45?”

“Perfect.Hey Lyss?”Her voice has changed.It’s timid and unsure, like maybe she shouldn’t say what she’s about to say. You’re really important to me.” 

“You’re really important to me, too.See ya later.”

* * *

Alyssa arrives at Nic’s just before 6:30; Kelley has roped her into driving them too so they can drink more.She apologizes for being early when Nic opens the door, explaining the situation with Kelley.Nic isn’t ready yet.She’s wearing a sports bra and shorts, and currently drying her hair with a towel.

But Nic doesn’t mind that Alyssa’s early.Her jaw drops at the sight of her girlfriend. She’s wearing a skin tight white skirt and a crop top, that shows off her bare shoulders and gives a peak at her stomach.And the slit in her skirt is maybe just a bit too high. Alyssa watches Nic’s mouth form the word “fuck” but sound doesn’t escape. What does come out of her mouth, after she swallows hard, is “My God.Are you trying to kill me?”Alyssa’s cheeks redden at the compliment.

Alyssa steps inside and wraps Nic in a tight hug. She’s trying to do _something_ to her girlfriend, for sure, but it’s not kill her.They sway together for a moment before Nic drops her arms; she needs to finish getting ready.She’s back within ten minutes, wearing khakis, a plaid button up shirt with the sleeves rolled, and a thin tie thrown loosely around her neck.Alyssa straightens it for her, looking her up and down. 

“You look so good,” she murmurs. There’s something about the way Nic carries herself, with ease, that drew Alyssa in that first night and keeps her wanting more. It’s not a practiced and controlled ease, like Alex; it’s natural, more like Kelley.It’s the same reason their federation tries to keep Kelley from attending pressers unless she’s specifically requested - she’s too... herself. She’s too laidback, not formal.Too open, not politically correct. Too raw, not refined. Their realness is what makes people know immediately that they’re trustworthy - you get exactly what you see. But Nic doesn’t have Kelley’s swagger, there’s no cockiness to her at all.In fact, she shows brief moments of uncertainty sometimes, and Alyssa likes that too, that she _doesn’t_ have it all figured out. She’s thoughtful, like Sonnett. She’s quiet, like Becky.She’s silly, like Tobs.She’s passionate, like Pinoe.And she’s good, like Christen.And Alyssa knows that if she hasn’t already, she’s going to fall in love with this person standing in front of her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep the comments coming. I love reading them!


	22. Worry Isn’t Worth It

When Alyssa pulls up at Kelley’s, Kelley opens the car door for her girlfriend, allowing her to slide in first.She follows with her usual Kelley exuberance, sliding all the way to the middle, putting her elbows on both of the front seats, and peering over to see if the new couple is holding hands. They are, across the console, and Kelley takes great pleasure in another opportunity for some good-natured ribbing, which Alyssa proceeds to ignore.They head to Valter’s Osteria, an upscale and quiet Italian restaurant in Salt Lake City.Kelley walks into the restaurant holding her partner’s hand. She’s long past the time of caring who sees.The kiss they shared after the World Cup final changed something in her. She wanted to be proud of who she is and who she loves, not keep it in the shadows. People knew before, but not everybody. But she got to the point of just not caring anymore; life was too short for that, to worry, to hide. This felt better.

Alyssa realizes that she can’t envision that ever happening for her.Holding someone’s hand in public would come with too much scrutiny that she wouldn’t want to face. Everybody who matters knows she’s gay - her trepidation is not so much about the gender of the person she’s dating - she just doesn’t want strangers obsessing about her life, following her every move. 

Although... Kelley seemed to not face any of the increased attention; she just ignored it. Regardless, Alyssa walks into the restaurant beside Nic, but not holding her hand. There are too many people around, and it’s still too light out. She feels much more vulnerable in the open like this, than in a dark, empty club or bar. 

At dinner, the talk turns toNic’s job and then Kelley’s partner’s job, and finally to the game against the Courage on Wednesday. Kelley’s partner is staying in town for it, having taken a week off of work, and Kelley announces that’s she’s also going to take time off to come out to their send-off game, and then be in Japan the entire two and a half weeks for the Olympics. “I told her that if her work didn’t give her the time off she needed to come to my last Olympics, she have to quit and become a proper WAG,” Kelley jokes.“Except for the fact that I’m going to retire soon and then we’d need her income. I’d probably have to leave UnderArmour and become a Nike athlete to make up the loss of her salary, but you’re not still attached to them, right babe?”

Kelley asks if Nic is going to the Royals game, and Alyssa responds with a “Yes,” before Nic even has the chance to speak.She quickly adds, “that is if you want to.”

“Of course I want to,” she replies softly, leaning over to nudge Alyssa with her shoulder.She can read Alyssa, and she’s careful not to show any affection in thissetting, but Alyssa feels a sinking feeling in her stomach. From where they sit, Nic could easily slip her hand into Alyssa’s lap, could run it up her thigh completely unnoticed, and yet, she hasn’t even tried to.Something seems to have changed, like they’ve taken a step backwards. 

“You really just asked if she wanted to, Naeher?”Kelley teases. “Have you _seen_ the way she looks at you?She adores you..That’s a no brainer.” 

Nic blushes. “She’s right,” Nic admits.“On both accounts.I’ll go to any game you’ll have me at.And I do adore you.”

It’s now Alyssa’s turn to blush.But Kelley is beaming. “Does that mean you’re coming to our send-off game, too?”

Nic hadn’t had the time to talk to Alyssa about it all day.Alyssa looks at her expectantly. “I am.I figure if I pull a few long days and late nights, I can get enough done to take a few days off.I just need to push a couple of meetings.”

“Yessss!” comes the excited reply from Kelley. Her enthusiasm would lead someone to believe she was the one that got the good news.But Alyssa’s subdued response of a smile and a hand squeeze under the table suits Nic just fine. Alyssa is both relieved and apprehensive about the whole thing, but she knows it’s a step in the right direction for her. And the fact that Nic still wants to go after the debacle that was last night, well, that’s a good sign too, she figures. 

Once their five-course meal is finished, Kelley heads to the bar, dragging Alyssa with her. At first, Alyssa protests, but Kelley eases her mind. “Look at them,” she nods towards their table, towards their girlfriends. They’re engrossed in conversation and don’t even seem to notice that their other halves left the table. “They’re fine,” Kelley assures Alyssa. “Your chick can talk to anyone.What I’m interested in is how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine.”It’s Alyssa standard response to everything. 

Kelley is aware of this.“C’mon, Lyss.”

“How’s your ankle?” Alyssa changes the subject. 

Kelley takes the bait. “It’s still, I dunno, stiff?Like when I get up after I’ve been sitting for awhile.It hurts. But it warms up.”

“Don’t play tomorrow, Kell.It’s not worth it.”

Kelley waives her off, and Alyssa knows this is partly her own pride.If it were anyone other than the Courage, she probably wouldn’t think twice about it. But growing up in the religious South, she takes offense to Jaelene Hinkle’s holier than thou attitude, and craves the opportunity to shut her down on the field. Hinkle’s penchant for pushing up into the offensive third gives her that chance. “If my ankle’s not gonna hold up, better to find out sooner than later,” Kelley reasons.“Sonnett needs time to mentally prepare.”Alyssa just stares at her, shocked that Kelley seems so resigned to the possibility of not being able to go in Tokyo. “She’s _good_, Lyss.She’s fitter than me and faster than me. She’s ready for this to be her shining moment.” 

Kelley adores Sonnett, far more than she adores anyone else on the team. And Alyssa knows Kelley’s right - Sonnett is ready. She is in a much better place mentally than she ever has been, thanks to Lindsey. Vlatko and Mark have fixed some of her technical weaknesses.And Kelley worked with her all off-season on the tactical aspects of the game, molding her protege to eventually replace her.She just didn’t realize that there was a good chance it would be so _soon_. “You’re still the best right back in the world, O’Hara.”She tried to assure Kelley, but she catches the flicker of doubt in Kelley’s eyes. 

“Anyway...” Kelley can change the subject too.“Tell me what’s going on with you for real.”

Alyssa takes a long swig from her beer.“I thought I fucked things up last night,” she confesses.“We were... and I just couldn’t.” She briefly summarizes what happened. 

“Why not?”

“I was just scared,” Alyssa admits.

“Of?”Kelley signals the bartender for another beer. Alyssa declines. 

“Not being good.Doing something wrong.I don’t know.”Alyssa struggles to find the words she needs; she’s not good at talking about this kind of thing.

“That or is it something else?” Kelley asks.Alyssa gives her a funny look.“Are you sure it’s not that you’re scared of getting hurt or scared of where this is going?Maybe scared of failing?”Kelley knows Alyssa is a perfectionist. 

“Maybe a little of everything.What am I supposed to do, Kell?”

“Well, how’d she react?”

“She was so good about it. So patient and understanding.”Alyssa steals a glance over her shoulder at her girlfriend, still talking animatedly with her hands. She can’t help but smile. 

“For what it’s worth, she doesn’t seemed bothered by it at all,” Kelley observes. “So whatever it is that you’re worried about, maybe you’re overreacting. I mean, you _do_ that sometimes.”Alyssa nods in agreement. She really does. “Stop putting pressure on yourself, Lyss.Let things happen. Stop worrying about all the things that could go wrong and give things a chance to go right.” 

“And if things _do_ go wrong?”

“Then you invite me over, I’ll bring the ice cream, and I’ll help you pick yourself back up,” Kelley replies, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. “There’s just no point in worrying.Things are gonna happen the way they’re gonna happen. All we can do is take it in stride. Do the best we can.”

Alyssa realizes that Kelley’s words have a double meaning - she’s referring to their upcoming tournament, too.Kelley is very much aware of the pressure cooker Alyssa lives under.And while it’s mostly self-inflicted, it’s still there, and Kelley sees it slowly breaking Alyssa down. Alyssa doesn’t know any other way to be, but she appreciatesKelley’s subtle way of acknowledging that theymight not win and that it’ll all be ok; life will still go on. 

No one on their team has ever been willing to acknowledge the truth of their World Cup win, at least not out loud. Despite all of their talent and grit, their superior fitness and their flare, they got lucky. Tobin and Rose sold those fouls in the Spain game. After she got home, Alyssa watched them over and over, and she knew neither one was worthy of a PK.Luck. Pinoe’s first goal against France - the free kick that bounced in untouched - it should never have gone in. That was pure luck. Steph mishitting the PK in the semi-final - luck. If any one of those things hadn’t happened, they may not have been the ones raising the trophy in France a year ago. Alyssa knows soccer is a game of inches, of one wrong bounce or one misstep, and the bottom line is, they won’t control their own destiny this summer, not entirely. Just like she can’t control what happens with Nic.She can’t look into a crystal ball and make sure that they’re going to work out. What Kelley is trying to get across is that all Alyssa can do is put everything she has into the relationship, and into the tournament, and then let go. 

As if on cue, Kelley tips her almost empty beer bottle towards Alyssa’s, clinking the two together. “On _and_ off the field,” she adds. “C’mon, let’s go take those beautiful women home.”

* * *

Alyssa pulls up to the curb outside Nic’s house.She turns her car off, but doesn’t move. Neither does Nic. The silence between them seems awkward for the first time.Neither one of them seems like they know what to do or say anymore.“Thanks for dinner,” Nic says quietly. Her eyes are straight forward. She still feels guilty. It’s why she’s kept her hands to herself all night, other than to hold Alyssa’s while they’ve been driving.

Alyssa can’t take it anymore, the uncomfortableness of it all.She leans over and pulls Nic’s face towards hers, ever so gently.And when she kisses Nic, she feels her stomach drop again like it did the first time. But this time, it’s from the anticipation of where this might lead tonight, if she can fix things. She deepens the kiss and before they know it, they’re making out like teenagers in the car, and hands are finding breasts and thighs and it’s all too much for Nic.She pulls back, out of breath.“It’s late,” she mumbles, not making eye contact.“Walk me to the door?” 

Alyssa sighs, but gets out of the car.Nic tucks her arm into Alyssa’s as they head up her walkway.When they stop under the glow of her porch light, Nic pulls Alyssa into another kiss. This time, she seems to be the one who doesn’t want it to end, but eventually, she pulls herself away again and unlocks her front door.Alyssa follows her into the entryway, not knowing what else to do.“Do you want coffee?” Nic asks.Alyssa shakes her head. “Do you want to stay then? “ She’s stroking Alyssa’s cheek and her eyes are full of uncertainty. “You can stay if you want to.I promise I won’t-“ 

Alyssa cuts her off. She dives into another kiss, pulling on Nic’s lower lip, biting at it, slips her tongue inside. The force from the kiss pushes Nic back against the front door, with Alyssa holding her there, pressing up against her. It’s like Alyssa is trying to kiss away every doubt, every misstep, every hesitation. “I _want_ you to,” she whispers into Nic’s ear, low and raspy.“Take me to bed. Give me another chance to make this right, baby.”

Nic tries to argue, tries to convince Alyssa that there’s nothing she needs to make up for, but Alyssa just silences her with another kiss.


	23. This Body Holding Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. Here we go.

* * *

“Are you sure?”Nic asks, her voice halting. Through the dim light, Alyssa can see the hesitation in Nic’s eyes and she wonders if her own eyes match that. There’s a trail of clothing taken off with reckless abandon on the way to the bedroom, but now that they’re in bed, completely naked, they’re no longer so brazen. They’ve slowed down and Nic is cupping Alyssa’s face in her hands, looking upinto her eyes. 

“Just don’t break my heart,” Alyssa whispers.

“I’m not going to. If anyone’s heart is going to be broken, it’ll be mine.”The hesitation extends to Nic’s tone as well. She’s scared, maybe every bit as scared as Alyssa is. 

“That’s not true,” Alyssa promises, leaning down to kiss Nic again. Her lips are soft as they meet Nic’s.Her heart is racing, but her hands are steady. She is slow, methodical, as her lips press tender kisses on her girlfriend’s bare skin and her fingers brush over her body.She likes how her fingers on Nic’s skin are creating an electric sensation between the two of them. And every slight twitch she can elicit from her girlfriend as she plays with her nipples is turning her on. 

Nic’s fingers match Alyssa’s tenderness as they trail down her spine, to her ass, where they become as light as a feather before quickly moving back up.She moves one hand to the back of Alyssa’s head, taking out her hair tie and letting her strawberry blonde locks tumble forward over her shoulders. “God, you’re so beautiful,” she whispers, tangling her fingers in Alyssa’s hair.

Alyssa lets Nic pull her in, deepening the kiss.Alyssa’s hand glides down between Nic’s legs, rubbing her clit.She feels Nic’s hips tilt into her with the steady pressure. Nic breaks their kiss and Alyssa is able to look at her, look into her eyes, see the ecstasy on her face as she increases the tempo of the circles she’s rubbing.Nic pulls her in again for another kiss. It’s sloppier this time.They’re both having trouble focusing. Alyssa runs her fingers through Nic’s slick folds, sliding two fingers inside.As she curls them back up towards her own hand, Nic pulls her lips away from Alyssa’s and stifles a moan into Alyssa’s neck.Alyssa feels her hot, moist breath and then soft lips murmuring something indecipherable against her skin. Alyssa continues stroking her G-spot, and she knows Nic is getting close.She feels it as Nic’s fingertips dig into the muscles of her back, and she hears her moans getting louder, as she’s unable to stifle them any longer. Alyssa feels a rushof wetness fill her hand and Nic’s body slacken under her. 

She kisses her girlfriend hungrily, spurred on by a new-found confidence. She tugs on Nic’s lower lip, and as Nic tries to lean forward, Alyssa kisses her harder to push her back down, taking control with her tongue. Alyssa kisses her way down Nic’s stomach, letting her lips taste every bit of her girlfriend’s flesh.She sits back on her heels, just for a moment, just long enough to appreciate the naked woman lying on the bed in front of her.She’s touched her, she’s kissed her, she’s seen her, and she wants more.She slips her tongue between Nic’s wet lips, tasting her, remembering what it’s like.She presses her nose against Nic’s clit, letting Nic grind into her face at her own pace, while her tongue explores Nic’s opening. As Alyssa moves her tongue to Nic’s clit, she feels Nic’s fingertips touch her cheeks ever so lightly.Alyssa glances up at her without stopping, but all she sees is her girlfriend’s pointed nipples and exposed throat, as she’s tipped her head back in bliss. She’s not pulling Alyssa into her, not guiding her to a specific spot, she’s just looking for closeness. Her back arches and she presses down into the mattress, and Alyssa is greeted by another rush of warm wetness, this time dripping down her chin. She laps up what she can, and wipes her mouth off with the back of her hand. 

Nic pulls Alyssa into her chest, still trembling, and Alyssa lays there.She feels her head rise and fall with each heavy breath. Nic’s arms are wrapped around her, and it’s one of the most comforting sensations she’s experienced in a while. Slowly, Nic loosens her grip and she begins to caress Alyssa’s back. Alyssa looks down at her, and kisses her softly.She can’t help but smile though, making the kiss less than ideal.But she doesn’t care; she feels infinitely better.

After she’s recovered, Nic playfully pokes Alyssa in the ribs, causing her to roll off of Nic’s chest, laughing.Nic flips on top of her. She’s searching Alyssa’s eyes and her lips part, just slightly, like she’s about to say something, but she doesn’t. Alyssa brushes the hair off Nic’s face, and pulls her in for another kiss.Thankfully for Alyssa, their lips are locked when Nic takes her breast into the palm of her hand, squeezing it. Her quiet cry goes straight into Nic’s mouth instead of into the silence.Nic’s lips brush Alyssa’s ear.“Do you want me to keep going?” she whispers. Alyssa nods, squeezing her eyes shut as Nic pinches her nipple between her thumb and finger.Before she knows it, Nic’s mouth has moved from her ear to her other breast, as she alternates between tracing circles and gently sucking. As she lets her hand trail down Alyssa’s stomach, Alyssa’s abs tighten involuntarily in anticipation. It’s Nic’s turn to kiss her way down Alyssa’s front, and she takes her time, running her tongue over every single cut in Alyssa’s washboard stomach. Alyssa’s pulse is racing and her breathing is becoming uneven. She wants this, but she’s scared. 

Despite her gentleness, Alyssa’s body jerks at the first touch of Nic’s tongue on her clit. It’s been so long, and despite how turned on she is, she’s already sensitive.Nic pulls back.“Are you ok, baby?” She reaches up and intertwines her fingers in Alyssa’s, squeezing her hands reassuringly. Alyssa squeezes back. Nic softly runs her tongue between Alyssa’s folds, barely grazing her clit this time.She makes several passes like this, but she feels tension in Alyssa’s hips and thighs.“You can let go with me, you know,” she says softly, kissing the inside of Alyssa’s thigh.“It’s ok.” 

Alyssa’s heart knows this, but it’s like her body doesn’t know _how_ to let go, like her mind _won’t_ let go. She wants to give herself completely to Nic, but she can’t. She _can’t_ relax.Nic’s tongue, flicking up and down on her clit, feels so, _so_ good, and she’s _so_ wet, but she’s not getting any closer to orgasming. It’s frustrating, and she feels like she’s disappointing her girlfriend, again. 

Alyssa lets go of Nic’s hands and hooks her fingertips under Nic’s jaw. She’s worried that she’s taking too long and she doesn’t want Nic to just keep trying without success. She uses light pressure to pull her girlfriend up towards her.Nic’s eyes meet hers, and she must see something in them because her brow furrows and her hand hurries to Alyssa’s cheek, softly caressing it.“Baby, what’s wrong?” She sounds genuinely worried, and her eyes are searching Alyssa’s for answers. 

But Alyssa doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s never been good at communicating her feelings, and communicating about sex is extra uncomfortable for her. She feels hot tears forming in her eyes, and she’s desperate not to let Nic see them.She pulls Nic into her, rolling onto her side so they can lay next to each other, but she scoots down so she can bury her face in Nic’s chest. She feels Nic rest her chin on the top of her head, and she slowly my starts rubbing small circles into Alyssa’s back again. Those circles relax her, causing her tears to fade before they fall from her eyes. But no matter how much she doesn’t _want_ to talk about it, she knows she’s going to _have_ to talk about it. She owes Nic that.


	24. The Best Proof of Love is Trust

They lay there for what seems like forever in each other’s arms, not speaking. Nic’s breathing is so steady that Alyssa would think she had fallen asleep if Nic weren’t still rubbing her back. Alyssa feels safe and warm in her arms, and it’s making her feel even more guilty about not being able to let go of everything and be free with her girlfriend. She feels Nic wriggle under her arms so she can plant a kiss on the top of Alyssa’s head.“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing.”Alyssa’s one word, default answer. 

“What am I _doing_ wrong?”

“Nothing.”And then Alyssa figures she has to say more. “It was good.”

“But you didn’t...”

Alyssa sighs.She wracks her brain, trying to figure out if there is any way out of this conversation.But if there is a way out, she can’t figure it out. “It’s not you, it’s nothing you’re doing or not doing.I just- I can’t relax.”

“Ever?Or just with me?”

“I don’t know. It’s just been so long.Maybe it just takes time.”Alyssa sighs again.

“How long?”

“Almost 5 years.”

“No not since your last relationship,” Nic clarifies.“Since you had sex.”

“Almost 5 years,” Alyssa repeats. Tobin’s comment about her becoming a nun was kind of accurate after all.They lay there in awkward silence. 

Finally, Nic breaks it.“Why?” she asks quietly. 

“Why?” Alyssa rolls over and pulls the covers up to her chin. She buries her face in her hands in a subconscious effort to disappear. “Because I don’t sleep around.”

“I didn’t mean that you do,” Nic says softly.“But, haven’t you dated? Causally?You could have dated someone since your last long-term relationship.And slept with them.”

“How?” Alyssa sits up, leaning against the headboard now.She’s clearly uncomfortable. Nic sits up alongside her and takes her hand, pulling it into her lap on top of the sheets.“I can’t get on a dating app, someone will take a screenshot of me and it’ll be all over the Internet it a matter of hours. I can’t ask for a phone number from some women I see out at a bar or the grocery store or a coffee shop because what if she’s not gay and she recognizes me and I end up all over the Internet. I can’t go on a date even if it’s set up by a friend because what if it doesn’t work out and she tells the whole world I’m gay? And I won’t date anyone I work with. Ever again. So that pretty much leaves me screwed. I can’t trust anyone.”

Alyssa watches Nic’s face fall and she wishes more than anything that she could take back what she just said. “We shouldn’t be doing this then. If you don’t trust me.”Her voice is barely audible even in the silent room. 

But Alyssa does trust her. She doesn’t know why or when it happened, but she feels deep in her soul that she can trust the woman sitting next to her. 

“Why did you even go out with me then?” Nic sounds so sad. “I mean, I know Kelley didn’t give you a choice, the first time, but why did you call?Why did you ask me to have coffee with you?What have we been doing?”

Alyssa shifts so that she’s facing Nic now instead of sitting next to her.She needs Nic to see her eyes, to see how honest and vulnerable she’s being in case her words fail her. She takes both of Nic’s hands in hers, but Nic still won’t make eye contact with her.“Kelley took that choice away from me, you’re right. And I don’t know if it was unintentional or if she knew damn well that it was the only way to get me to go on a date, but she did it.As soon as she introduced us, it was too late. You already knew that I was gay.So if you were going to tell the world, well, there was nothing I could do about it.”

“I wouldn’t have...”

“I know that now.The thing is, Kelley may be fucking nuts, but she’s a really, really good judge of character.She trusted you, for some reason.And you were just so, so captivating that night.So different than anyone else I’d ever met.I figured since everything was probably already fucked up anyway, I might as well take a chance and see what would come of it.”

“And what’s come of it?” Nic asks.

“Baby look at me.”Nic doesn’t respond so Alyssa has no choice but to tip her chin up so their eyes meet. When she does, she sees big tears hovering on the rim of Nic’s eyelids, and it breaks her heart knowing she did that. She reaches up and wipes the tears from Nic’s eyes with her thumbs just they fall.“What’s come of it is I’ve met the most wonderful woman, who I _do_ trust.What I meant was that I never _thought_ I could trust anyone again.But I trust you.Completely.I wouldn’t still be here if I didn’t. I’m _glad_ Kelley did what she did.”

For the first time, Nic truly understands the pain and the fear Alyssa has dealt with for years, and that it’s become even more unbearable recently as her rise to success has made her a household name. She can’t do anything without the whole world finding out. “If you trust me then, if that’s not it, what am I doing wrong?What can I do differently?”Nic’s eyes are filled with uncertainty.

“Just give me time and don’t give up on me, that’s all.Look, I never thought I would have anything like this in my life again. Before I met you, I couldn’t even imagine getting close enough to someone again that I would be able to talk about my feelings or that I’d be able to trust someone enough to even be naked. I feel like I can tell you anything and what I say will be safe. And fucking shit, Nic, I want you _so_ bad.I can’t even believe I just said that, but it’s the truth. I loved being with you tonight. And I loved you touching me. All over. I want more of that. I don’t want you to stop doing that.Just because I don’t... you know... doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to keep doing exactly what you’re doing.”

Nic just stares at her, chewing the inside of her cheek nervously, not knowing if she can fully believe what’s she’s hearing. 

“Will you say something? _Please_?” Alyssa begs. 

“Will you still stay tonight?”Nic asks timidly. Alyssa nods immediately. “And can we do something tomorrow night? There’s somewhere I want to take you.” Alyssa cracks a smile, nodding again.“Ok.”

“Come here,” Alyssa says, scooting back down under the covers and pulling Nic into her like a little spoon.She fits perfectly against Alyssa’s body. Alyssa breathes the scent of Nic’s hair into her nostrils, and it relaxes her. That scent has become so familiar to her in such a short time. It makes her feel like she’s home. Alyssa tips her head down to kiss Nic softly on the back, right where her heart is. The words almost slip out, but she stops herself from actually saying them, substituting a quiet goodnight instead. But she doesn’t go to sleep.She can’t, not when she realizes what she’s starting to feel.It’s too soon.


	25. I Have Loved the Stars Too Fondly to be Fearful of the Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally safe for church on a Sunday.

_  
The desert is a place without expectation._

* * *

  
Alyssa grabs her phone out of her locker after treatment. There are a couple of texts from Nic.

_Pick you up at 7._   
  
_Wear good shoes. Like I know you don’t have hiking boots, but at least running shoes?_

_Can’t wait to see you!_

* * *

“Where are we going?” Alyssa wonders aloud. They had been driving for at least 45 minutes, having already finished the crossword together as Nic drove. Now, Alyssa is becoming antsy, especially as they are getting farther and farther away from civilization, while the sun dips lower and lower.  
  
“Patience, my dear,” Nic quips, pulling Alyssa’s hand into her lap. “You’ll see.” She turns off onto a gravel road, and Alyssa sits up straighter in her seat, even more concerned. Nic must feel her tension through her hand, because she just smirks and shakes her head.  
  
They drive for a couple of miles down the bumpy road, Alyssa’s eyes darting from her window to the windshield, as she tries to figure out why they’re in the middle of the goddamn desert.  
  
Nic stops the car and turns it off. “Let’s go,” she tilts her head towards the expanse of wilderness in front of them, a spot she had scouted for her work, before deciding it was too far from the city.  
  
Alyssa doesn’t budge. “I am not hiking at night. Nope. Not doing it.”  
  
Nic just laughs and gets out of the car. Walking around to the passenger side, she opens Alyssa’s door, and extends her hand, “My lady.” Alyssa grudgingly takes it and steps out of the car onto the barren, rocky surface.

Nic heads back around to the trunk, gathering two blankets, a pillow and a picnic basket. “Seriously, babe, relax. We’re not going hiking.” She leads them up to a barbed wire fence that has wooden steps built over it. “We’re going to wait for the sun to set, and then we’re going to stargaze.”  
  
“We could look at the stars from your backyard,” Alyssa complains. “And it wouldn’t be trespassing.” She flicks her eyes towards the fence Nic seems like she’s about to cross.

“Light pollution is bad in the city. You’ll see what I mean later. And we’re not trespassing. There’s a ladder. They wouldn’t put a ladder in if they didn’t want it used.” Alyssa looks at her like she’s crazy. “Seriously, they have these all over Iceland. They’re so people who are out hiking or exploring can get over fences without damaging them.”  
  
“Iceland?” Alyssa says skeptically. Nic nods enthusiastically. “I suppose you went traipsing around a volcanic island looking to set up a forest kindergarten?”

Nic nods again, this time with a huge smile. “It would be a perfect place for one, but there just aren’t enough kids in any one given area to make it logical, unless it’s government run.”  
  
Alyssa doesn’t know what to say to that. Or to the fact that her girlfriend has shoved the picnic basket into her hand and is now climbing the half stepstool, half ladder contraption over someone else’s barbed wire fence. “I really can’t get arrested, I have a game tomorrow.” Alyssa tries one more time to get the insanity to stop.  
  
Nic doesn’t even turn her head back as she responds cheerfully. “We’re not getting naked out here. What would you get arrested for? Besides, you can just bribe the cops with a picture or autograph or something. You’re famous. And we’re gonna be fine.”  
  
“Still trespassing,” Alyssa grumbles. But Nic is already too far away, headed for a rocky outcrop about 100 yards past the fence. By the time Alyssa makes it out there, Nic’s found a smooth, angled part of the sandstone formation and spread out one of the blankets.  
  
“There are White Claws, and coffee for when it gets cold,” Nic says, taking the picnic basket from Alyssa and setting it down. “And plenty of snacks. If we get a flat tire driving back down that road in the dark, we’re set at least.”  
  
“I can change a flat tire,” Alyssa says dryly.  
  
“Wow. You’re really hating this, huh?” Nic replies, unfazed. She pats the blanket next to her. Alyssa sits down, but behind her instead, slotting the smaller woman in between her legs and wrapping her arms around Nic.  
  
They’re so different - one is a city girl, the other’s life work revolves around nature. One so tightly wound, the other free-flowing. One in search of safety, the other taking risk in stride, like it’s a welcome part of life - like giving Alyssa her number, or trespassing, or moving around the country. Yet they fit together so perfectly, complementing each other like yin and yang - seemingly opposite forces that are actually interconnected. Alyssa can ground Nic, at least she hopes she can; Nic makes Alyssa feel like she’s floating. She just hope that when it comes to what matters - topics they haven’t broached yet - that they’re on the same page.

Nic breaks Alyssa’s train of thought. “Look at that. How can you hate this?”  
  
The sun is fireball near the horizon, giving the bottom part of the sky an orangy tinge. Farther up, it fades into a sea glass turquoise with whisps of white, and as high up as they can see, the sky is turning dark blue, almost black now. Nic leans back into Alyssa’s chest.  
  
“I don’t hate it. I don’t hate doing anything with you,” she whispers against Nic’s cheek. And she means it. She hasn’t hated hiking or going out with her teammates, she hasn’t hated being in a bar or a club with Nic there, and she doesn’t hate sitting on this ridiculous rock in the middle of nowhere.  
  
This woman, who has been on her own for so long, who has insisted that she was ok with it, that she preferred it even, is starting to realize that everything about her life is better with Nic in it. Coffee and crosswords, TV on the couch, the mornings and nights when she doesn’t have to be alone.

She notices things now that she never noticed before. Not just these mural-worthy sunsets, and not just what Nic makes her feel either - the warmth of blood rushing to her face, the tingle in her limbs, the drop in her stomach. She notices little things now, like the lemon-scented Evening Primroses outside of Nic’s house that open every evening, their fragrance filling Alyssa’s nose as she makes her way up the front steps, or the sound of the birds outside her bedroom in the mornings. Sometimes, she sits on the deck of her apartment and watches the tree branches swaying in the Utah winds, and it makes her feel oddly at peace. In the middle of practice, she frequently finds herself looking up, eyes closed as she relishes the sun on her cheeks. And now, she feels the chill on her bare arms, a slight shiver reverberating through her body. It’s like she’s finally alive.

Nic must feel it too, because she reaches up and rubs Alyssa’s arms briskly, warming them. “Suppose I should have told you to wear something with long sleeves, but damn, seeing you in a tank just does something to me. I love your arms. I haven’t decided yet, but they might be your best feature,” she says, running her fingers along the cuts of Alyssa’s biceps.

Alyssa blushes, sure that her girlfriend can feel the heat radiating from her own cheek against Nic’s. “What else is in the running?” Alyssa jokes.  
  
Nic answers her through touch, running her index finger along Alyssa’s strong jaw, and then dragging all of her fingers up Alyssa’s quads. This time, when Alyssa shivers, it’s not because of the cold.

“You’re cold. Let’s eat so we can get under that other blanket.” Nic’s brought a spread - prosciutto, hummus, parmesan crisps, popcorn, grapes, apples with caramel sauce for dipping. They each crack open a White Claw and eat side by side in silence as the sky darkens and just a sliver of moon rises.

Later, they pull the blanket up until it’s covering everything but their faces. Alyssa’s head is on the pillow, Nic’s is on Alyssa’s arm. The longer their eyes have to adjust to the night sky, the more stars become visible. “It’s like you can see the entire Milky Way,” Alyssa gasps. It’s truly breathtaking. She’s never seen so many stars in her life, didn’t even know that many existed. There’s no way to even find familiar constellations with so many stars crowding the sky.  
  
“You can see ten times as many stars out here,” Nic explains quietly, “without the light pollution from the city. There’s probably at least 2000 stars up there.” Alyssa is sure it has to be more than that.  
  
Alyssa turns over on her side towards Nic, and Nic rolls over to so that they’re facing. Alyssa caresses her cheek lightly, wishing she could see into her eyes because she loves the way they light up. Nic reaches up for her hand and kisses Alyssa’s palm tenderly. Alyssa leans in and kisses her, letting her lips pull away as slow as humanly possible from Nic’s bottom lip. She feels Nic’s hand move to her hip, clutching at it. She can’t help but dive in for another kiss, this one deeper. She slides her tongue into Nic’s mouth quickly, and pulling it back out just as quickly, teasing, not allowing Nic to grab hold of it. Nic tugs at her bottom lip instead. They kiss until they’re breathless, and Alyssa pulls away to ask “Why did you bring me out here? It’s not just for the stars.”

“The desert is a place without expectation.” And she’s right. No one expects the desert to be anything of value. No one expects it be be awe-inspiring or life-supporting. But it is all of those things. And out here in the desert with Nic, there’s no stress. Nothing to worry about. No pressure. They can just _be_.

“I could stay out here all night with you,” Alyssa says sincerely, but Nic laughs, ruining the mood. Alyssa can’t help but laugh too though at the thought of actually camping.  
  
But it’s late, and they have a long drive home. Nic has work in the morning. Alyssa has a game tomorrow night. They gather up their belongings and head back over the fence, back to the car. Nic pours them coffee from a thermos. It’s still warm, like her hand is in Alyssa’s. “Thank you for doing this for me,” Alyssa smiles, planting one more kiss on Nic’s lips before they head home.


	26. Flight Plan

  
“Kell, seriously?” Alyssa grumbles as Kelley pushes her legs off the seats to sit down. The three Royals teammates are on an early flight to camp the morning after their hard-fought win against the Courage.Alyssa had found a row with no one sitting in it. They all had - the flight was pretty empty.Becky was across the aisle from her, Kelley was a few rows up.There was literally no reason for her to come back to Alyssa’s row mid-flight. 

Alyssa is exhausted. The flight was her chance to catch a little bit of rest. She played lights out last night.The Courage had lost Abby and JMac in the expansion draft, but they were still so dominant.The Royals’ victory puts them squarely in 3rd place, and poised to finally make the playoffs. 

* * *

But Alyssa’s not just tired from the game. Nic spent the night with her, and they didn’t really sleep much. It was their last night together until the send-off game in two weeks. Sleep didn’t really seem that important to either of them last night.And Alyssa had  to be at the airport at 5:00, 5:30 at the latest for a 7:00 am flight.Add in time to get dressed, a stop for coffee, half an hour driving, there really wasn’t much point in sleeping. 

Alyssa had been daydreaming about last night, replaying it over and over in her head as she drifted in and out of sleep, until Kelley interrupted her. 

* * *

She was focused on the warm feeling she got when she came out of the locker room to see Nic standing there, waiting for her.She’s never had anyone wait for her before because she kept her relationships a secret. This feels different, having the whole team shuffle out of the locker room waving and smiling at Nic, greeting her. It’s nice. Maybe what she feels is what pride feels like. 

She was thinking about the anticipation that had been building during the car ride back to her apartment, fingers intertwined over the console between them. Her heart beating so loud in her chest she was sure Nic could feel the reverberations through their clasped hands.

She could still see the Nic undressing them both, slowly, one button at a time, never breaking eye contact, before she ran her hands over Alyssa’s entire body. Every fucking inch of it.The sore parts, with more pressure.The ticklish parts, her fingers barely there.The sensitive parts, so tenderly. It left Alyssa’s skin prickly with goosebumps. She touched everywhere. Except there.Until Alyssa could hardly handle it and she had pulled Nic down on top of her and into a deep kiss. 

But Nic had no intentions of giving her more. She said Alyssa had to be hurting from the game (and she was) and that she was probably exhausted and needs to rest before camp (and she does), but Alyssa was pretty sure it had more to do with what happened the previous two times they were in bed and less to do with the reasons Nic is verbalizing. 

Nic had been content to fall asleep naked on Alyssa’s chest. Instead, she falls asleep pressed up against the bare skin of her girlfriend’s back, much later than she had intended to, because sleep wasn’t how Alyssa planned to spend those remaining hours.

Alyssa had done some research, just a little light reading, because of course she had. She had learned that sex was a use it or lose it kind of thing. And clearly, she’s lost it because she has not been using it. When it became apparent that Nic wasn’t going to take it any farther, Alyssa explains what she’d learned earlier in the day. “So in conclusion, we’re just going to need to keep doing this until my nerves start remembering how work again.I mean, if that’s ok with you.”It was very unsexy, but Nic had quipped that practice makes perfect.The end result of the conversation was them laughing. Well, technically, the end end result was sex - slow and passionate - but they laughed a lot first. And while Alyssa didn’t have an orgasm, it was still so good, and they were both far less worried about it. 

* * *

She could still sense Nic’s fingers electrifying her skin, could still hear the string of curse words escaping from Nic’s lips, could still feel her warm breath in her ear whispering “you’re so good, baby” as she pulled Alyssa into her,when Kelley decided to ruin both the memory and her blissful nap. Because Kelley is not tired. Kelley is never tired. She’s an energizer bunny. Like Sonnett.Alyssa doesn’t get it.Kelley played a full 90 on a stiff ankle. And Kelley’s girlfriend was still in Utah, so it’s highly doubtful that she slept much either. 

“What’s up, Lyss?”

“And for what?” Alyssa mumbles under her breath, referencing Kelley’s probably unimportant reason for waking her.

“Huh?”

“Nothing. What do you need, Kell?”Alyssa tries hard to not sound annoyed. Kelley’s been there for her so much lately.And it’s Kelley who’s going to keep being there for her now that Ashlyn isn’t on the roster, and after the Olympic tournament is over when she won’t get to see Tobin and Christen much. 

“Just want to see how you are.”Kelley’s voice is sincere; she wasn’t trying to bother Alyssa or be her typical annoying self. She could have sat in Becky’s aisle if attention was what she was after. Bothering Becky is one of her favorite pastimes because she thinks Becky secretly loves it. Why else would she put up with Kelley when Kelley wants to cuddle on the Royals away trips? She’s decided Becky just acts annoyed for show, to keep up her serious persona.

Alyssa softens. “I’m doing well.” 

“And things are...” Kelley wants to ask but she doesn’t want to ask because she knows it bothers Alyssa and because they’re on a plane, with people.

Alyssa tries toto stifle a smile, pursing her lips, but the corners turn up and her dimple shows and Kelley’s “Yes!” is just a little too loud for closer quarters. She high fives a reluctant Alyssa and draws the “What the fuck?” look from Becky across the aisle.“Things are great. So great,” Alyssa confirms. 

“So you’re gonna tell the rest of the team, huh?”

Alyssa hesitates, as if she hasn’t really thought about it. But she should think about it if her girlfriend’s going to show up for all the send-off festivities. And more importantly, she needs to tell her parents. Unless Amanda’s already done that and her parents are just waiting to see how long it takes her to share this information with them. She makes a mental note to call Amanda later. 

“Shall I call a team meeting and announce it?”Alyssa asks.

“If you want.I don’t think it needs to be that formal.It’s not like it’s your coming out. You can just let me tell everyone if that’s easier.” Kelley doesn’t mean it. She’s not going to say anything.She needs Alyssa’s head straight... well maybe not straight.... but...on right. 

Alyssa shakes her head at Kelley still looking for credit. “Half the team knows.The rest will figure it out eventually.”

“People’s minds are gonna be blown. But, suit yourself.All right, I’ll let you go to sleep.Sorry for waking you up.”

“It’s ok,” Alyssa assures her.Kelley gets up to leave,but Alyssa grabs her arm.

Kelley sees a worried look on her face and sits back down quickly.

“How do you know when you’re in love?” Alyssa asks quietly. She feels like it’s been so long she doesn’t remember.

Surprisingly, Kelley doesn’t harass her, doesn’t tease her. The look on her face is sympathetic. Kelley is a different person when she doesn’t have an audience. “Oh, you’re asking the wrong person,” Kelley shakes her head. 

Alyssa looks at her strangely.“But you’re in love with Kam.”

“Of course I am, but with my history...” Kelley trails off. 

* * *

She’s referring to the string of women she slept with (maybe fucked is more apropos) after Alex broke her heart.It was easier to go home with strangers than it was to be mad at Alex for it all.As much as it hurt her, Kelley understood where Alex was coming from.And Kelley wasn’t going to lose that friendship. Ever. It wasn’t Alex’s fault that Kelley developed feeling for her. They had rules. Kelley was the one who broke them. So for years, she refused to fall for any of those women because she didn’t want to get hurt again. 

Ann was one of those who had suffered from her slash-and-burn methods.For as long as they had been together and as serious as their relationship appeared to be, Kelley never let herself truly love Ann. Or fully commit to her. She was sleeping with Emily on and off for over a year. But at least that was an entirely mutual friends with benefits situation.Kelley never had to worry about hurting Sonnett.Sonnett was just biding her time, in love with Lindsey, never going to fall for Kelley. So it worked - a nice distraction. 

“Look all I know is when I met Kam, I was willing to give up everyone else for her because I didn’t want to hurt her.I would never hurt her. That’s how I knew it was finally different.I don’t think that’s a good enough answer though.There’s probably more to being in love than that. I just don’t know how to describe it.”

Alyssa leans back into the uncomfortable headrest and closes her eyes. She feels Kelley’s small, warm hand squeeze hers before she heads back to her seat. She thinks she probably is in love, because things feel different. It’s not just that she knows she’s going to miss her girlfriend, you can miss someone you’re infatuated with, but it’s the fact that she’s not worried about their time apart that’s new to her. She isn’t worried about what Nic’s going to do while she’s gone. She knows that Nic will still be there when she gets back. It’s the level of comfort that she has with her. It’s the fact that she knows she can do life alone, she doesn’t need Nic, but she’ll make Alyssa’s life better, enhance it. She falls back asleep to those thoughts. 


	27. Summer Camp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some background stuff that coincides with the Soran fic, for anyone who reads both. Something to set the stage for way in the future, and a short but cute convo.
> 
> Sorry updates are slow, but my goal is to time things correctly so “All of Me” and “Worth It” are both taking place at the Tokyo Olympics at the same time. So if you’re bored, and you haven’t yet go read my other one since they’re going to overlap.
> 
> Anyway, happy Saturday. Feel free to drop me a line!

  


Sitting in the meeting room, Alyssa finds herself worrying more than usual about who her roommate is going to be this camp. She didn’t really worry about it much when Dawn and Molly and Jill were in charge of figuring things out, but with all of Vlatko’s immense soccer knowledge, he seems quite unconcerned about who rooms with whom.And in Alyssa’s opinion, not-Molly and not-Dawn still didn’t know them well enough yet to have a real feel for what they should be doing personnel-wise.

It matters a lot to Alyssa, especially this time. Whomever her roommate is will likely be around at some point during a phone call to her girlfriend.She isn’t ok with that being just anyone - like Rose or Sammy - they’ll tease her.Not to her face, they’re too chickenshit, but to each other. And she isn’t ok with it being someone like Lynn either. Alyssa doesn’t know her well enough, can’t get a read on her. 

Hell, she’d rather room with Sonnett, like not-Molly made her in January.January camp was exactly why she feels that the people in charge did not have a grasp on their personalities yet - Alyssa Naeher and Emily Sonnett could not be more polar opposites if they tried.But Sonnett hadn’t even shown up for the first day of camp, and when she finally came - well - was _dragged_ out to Florida, she was fucked up. That’s the only way Alyssa can think to describe it.The only reason Alyssa had been able to bond with her during those three weeks was because Sonnett had been so uncharacteristically subdued then that she was physically incapable of annoying Alyssa. She’s fine now, seemingly mostly back to her nutty self, but at least Sonnett _knows_. She wouldn’t be an intolerable roommate. Unless she tried to make Alyssa dance and then... 

Alyssa envisions this all going wrong and having to find some quiet nook every time she wants to talk to Nic for the next two weeks. It’s already frustrating her even though nothing’s happened yet. Not-Molly announces that the room selections were random, though it’s not like she’s drawing them out of a hat in front of them, so Alyssa doesn’t know how much she buys into that. She tunes out, trying not to think about it, but her ears perk up to one pairing in particular - Lindsey and Kelley. Bullshit that’s random - she figures the staff is trying to force them to sort their previous drama out before Tokyo. There’s still tension there, not from Kelley, or from Emily for that matter, but it’s definitely still there for Lindsey.Alyssa felt it last week when they were all at the bar. Lindsey went, but other than buying Kelley that obligatory drink, Lindsey didn’t talk to Kelley much at all. And the constant hand on Emily’s thigh was a little much in the way of possessiveness.  Cute, and Emily definitely relished the attention, but it was totally borne out of Lindsey’s anxiety.

Alyssa tunes out again until she hears her own name called. With Julie. Thank the fucking soccer gods, maybe not-Molly knows what she’s doing after all.Julie pops up and grabs their keys, and Alyssa almost skips out of the conference room in a mixture of relief and excitement. Almost. Well not really. But she thinks about skipping.Which is basically the same thing as actually skipping. For her.

In the elevator, she lets JJ hug her.She’s missed her, more than anyone from the Red Stars, and this pairing is worthy of a hug, she thinks. “You know this shit isn’t random, right?” JJ asks, and Alyssa laughs. Her friend can read her mind.

“They would have put Alex and Tobin together if Alex didn’t have her baby here, I guarantee it,” Alyssa agrees. “I think they seriously believe they can fix things between people through forced family fun. They have no idea.We’re all fine. Everyone who’s needed to has found a way to make it work.”

“Christen would have had an aneurysm, if they had though,” JJ laughs, thinking back to how unnecessarily insecure Christen had been in Alex’s presence all those years ago. “You think Laura ever made Christen and Vero room together?”

“No way! Tobin for sure would have lost it.”They step out of the elevator and into the hall.“I’m so glad I’m not dating anyone in the soccer world anymore,” Alyssa mumbles.

JJ hears it, but doesn’t realize what Alyssa means by it. “We shoulda stayed. I bet they put Carli and Becky together so they could hash out their differences about the captaincy.”

“Someone’s gonna have to pry that armband for Carli’s cold, dead hands,” Alyssa jokes and JJ concurs, opening the door for them. 

They plop down on their beds, grateful for a moment of peace before the grind begins.“Whatcha been up to, Lyss?I feel like we haven’t talked in forever.”

And they haven’t. Not since the Red Stars visited the Royals almost two months ago.Alyssa misses the teammate she could confide in the most. She’s meant to call Julie.So many times. But the fact that she hasn’t says something to - not about their friendship - but about the bonds that she’s building in Utah. Not just with Nic, but especially with Kelley. Which is weird. But good weird.

“I mean, not that it’s your fault, I could call too, but...” Julie trails off.It’s hard, being in two cities - Chicago to train and play, Philly to see Zach.Never making it home to Arizona to see her own family.“I guess maybe I was hoping you had settled in a bit and you didn’t need me anymore?Not that I don’t want you to need me, I just want you to be happy there, you know?I know how hard the trade was for you.”

Alyssa rolls over, resting her chin on her forearms. The trade seems so long ago now. “I’ll always need you in my life, Jules. I’ve been meaning to call you. I just, well, I guess I don’t hate Utah as much as I used to, so I haven’t needed a good ol’ bitch session lately.I know that’s crappy that I only call you to complain,” she rambles. “But yeah... did you know there are flowers in the _desert_?And there are flowers that only bloom at night because that’s when it’s not so hot. And the stars we see from the city, well there are like a million more that we don’t see, but you can see them in Utah. From the desert. And the sunsets there, you can actually _see_ the sun set on the horizon, not just dip down behind buildings.There’s like _real_ sunsets there.” Alyssa’s rambling is getting worse, a product of her nervousness. But she doesn’t even understand why she’s nervous around JJ of all people, when so many other people know. It’s not like JJ is going to care at all.

Julie interrupts her train of thought.“Who are you and what did you do with my goalkeeper?Did you meet someone or something?” Julie laughs and rolls over, expecting to see Alyssa rolling her eyes or smirking or something. But she just sees her friend wide-eyed, her expression is one of shock. Julie gives her a weird look.

“Who told you?I’m going to fucking kill Kelley!” she mutters.

Julie blinks.She was kidding. Totally kidding. She only said it because, well because it was basically impossible that Alyssa had actually met someone. The whole time she’s known Alyssa, Alyssa hasn’t dated anyone. She figures Alyssa is messing with her, getting her back for the dumbass remark, but... Alyssa’s face is starting to tell a different story.“Wait seriously?”Alyssa just stares at her. Maybe there’s the slightest hint of a nod, but JJ can’t be sure. “No one told me, Lyss. I was joking.You know, because you _hate_ nature.”

“I did.I- I met someone.”

“Holy. Shit!”Julie can hardly contain her excitement. “Wait why did you assume Kelley told me?”

“Because Kelley’s the one who introduced us,” Alyssa mumbles, suddenly embarrassed.

“Kelley O’Hara, the Queen of Chaotic Energy, introduced you, the Queen of Introverts, to your girlfriend?Wait, is she your girlfriend?” JJ wants to know. She has so many questions.

“She is most definitely my girlfriend,” Alyssa replies, and she feels a bit of pride when she makes the statement.

Julie squeals and pounces onto Alyssa’s bed. “Show me pictures,” she demands.

“You know I don’t take a lot of photos,” Alyssa starts and Julie rolls her eyes.Alyssa opens up her texts. “Kelley took this one I guess when we were walking into the restaurant.We went on a double date,” she explains. “It’s stupid I know, it just shows her back, but....”.It’s a photo of Alyssa and Nic walking side by side, their shoulders barely brushing. All you can see really is the outline of their bodies in the fading light, the sun red and swollen as it sinks in the background.But their pinky fingers are hooked together. Because they want to hold hands. But they can’t.“And this one.” It’s a picture of the two of them hugging, Alyssa’s arms around Nic’s shoulders and Nic’s around Alyssa’s waist. Alyssa is kissing the top of Nic’s head, but you can see the corners of her mouth turning up in a smile. And Nic’s cheek is pressed against Alyssa’s neck.It’s from last night, in the tunnel after the game.

“The body language is so damn telling,” JJ gushes.“So Kelley’s like your matchmaker and photographer all in one?”

Alyssa rolls her eyes and scrolls back through her phone for a second.“Oh, she took this one of us,” she says, smiling. “She made me go hiking.”Julie laughs at the ridiculousness of that statement.“I had to walk across a fucking snow melt stream barefoot.But” her voice softens, “it was so beautiful out there.”Alyssa turns the phone so Julie can see.

A big smile spreads across her face. “Hey, she’s cute!You did good!Or Kelley did, I guess.Now tell me all about her.”And Alyssa does, more excited to than she expected she would be. 

* * *

Camp is... well, it’s camp. It’s physically exhausting. It’s emotionally draining. Vlatko is going to push them to their absolute limits for two weeks straight so he can pull back when they get to Japan, let them adjust and recover before they go for real.Alyssa’s exhausted; they all are. Every moment that they’re not in meetings or training, recovery or the dining hall, they’re in bed resting. Except for the Three Stooges and their mother, who keep dancing in the hallways and the meeting room and the meal room and basically anywhere they find space. 

But the bed is the perfect place to FaceTime and do crosswords with Nic. Alyssa, who has vehemently refused to FaceTime anyone besides her niece and nephew, now finds herself shamelessly FaceTiming her girlfriend at least twice a day, in addition to texting.And sometimes phone calls. In the middle of the day, Nic steps away from her work and they do their crossword together. Before bed, Alyssa FaceTimes her again to say goodnight. She likes the normalcy of hearing about the little things going on in Nic’s life.It gets her mind off of soccer and the upcoming tournament, off the pain coursing through the outside of her left knee and the stiffness in more of her knuckles than she’d like to admit.

Most of the time, Nic is winding down for the evening when Alyssa calls, laying in bed and watching TV or sitting with her laptop at the kitchen table finishing up some work. Sometimes, Alyssa purposely calls her earlier to catch her in the middle of her after work routine - playing ball with Koopa, cooking, sitting at the table to eat, cleaning the kitchen. She finds comfort the mundaneness of watching Nic go about her life; it makes her miss home a little less. 

Most nights, Julie climbs into bed with Alyssa, laying her head on Alyssa’s shoulder or chest so she can get in the frame during their conversation. Alyssa lets her. She is surprised to find that when Nic calls her baby, it doesn’t bother her that Julie hears it. She’s growing more comfortable in her own skin.

Sometimes, Julie completely butts into their conversation.It’s how she gets to know Nic before she even meets her, interrupting them, getting more information out of Nic than she does out of Alyssa. Alyssa lays back, content to let them carry on like that for awhile before she eventually kicks Julie out of her bed. 

  
When Julie slips into the shower or away to grab her nightly coffee, because she doesn’t react to caffeine like a normal human, Alyssa and Nic are able to have a few sweet moments to themselves.

Two days in, Alyssa was the first to break down and admit that she missed Nic. When she says it, she see the wave of relief wash over Nic’s face. “I miss you, too. So much. I didn’t want to tell you though. I don’t want you to ever feel bad about being away.” Her words rush out.

Another night:“What do you miss the most?” Nic wants to know.

Alyssa thinks for a minute, trying to find the words for what she wants to explain. “I miss seeing the world through your eyes.Seeing _myself_ through your eyes. I’m trying. But it’s easier when I’m with you.”Alyssa reveals.“AndI miss looking into your eyes because I swear I can see how much you believe in me even though I don’t always believe in myself. Like I didn’t think I could do this,” she says, referring to their relationship, “but here we are.” She’s trying to do a better job of listening to her heart now, because if Nic can trust her, she should trust herself.  “And this is selfish,” she adds, “but I miss the little things you do to take care of me.I’ve always been the one to take care of people.I’m good at it, I’m meant to do it, but it’s nice to have the roles reversed sometimes,” she admits. It’s been so different having someone rub _her_ head, hold _her_, cook for _her_, plan dates for _her_, give _her_ massages. She knows she could definitely get used to it. “What do you miss?”

“I know this is stupid, probably the wrong answer somehow, but I miss your touch. Just the silence of sitting next to you or cuddling with you.I feel safe when you’re around.”

“You’ve never told me that,” Alyssa muses, smiling at the revelation.

“It’s hard to explain.I just don’t feel like I’m on edge around you.I mean, I guess I don’t really feel on edge with you gone either, surprisingly, but when I’m next to you, I just feel peace. In the past, I always felt like I had to defend myself. From criticism.From blame. I got a lot of both of those in my last relationship.I had to minimize what I was feeling or what I needed. I dunno.I just never felt safe, emotionally. But the way you look at me, it just makes me feel like you respect me. And when you touch me, maybe I’m crazy, but I swear I can feel how much you care about _me_. And then I can relax.You make everything good better.” 

The words make Alyssa’s heart swell. She does care about Nic. And she gets it. Like _really_ gets it. Because she feels the same way. But she realizes this is the first time she’s ever had enough self-confidence to be _that_ person for someone else.Because criticism and blame come from a place of insecurity, and she’s not insecure anymore. Finally. Sixteen years after she realized she was gay.She’s finally coming into her own. Maybe it’s her age, maybe it’s because she’s found the right person, she’s not sure which.But she’s met someone who is secure and confident, which makes her more secure and confident, and they just _work_. 

By the end of the week, Alyssa’s missing more than just how Nic looks at her.She’s missing Nic’s soft lips against her own and on her neck, and her collarbone.She’s missing the chills the run through her body when Nic whispers in her ear and the fire she feels when Nic’s fingertips run down along her ribs and her abs and her hips.She’s missing the heat of their bodies together.And god, she wants to get lost between Nic’s legs again and to taste her and watch her as she squeezes her eyes shut and arches her back.And somehow, waiting another week seems super hard which is ridiculous because waiting years was no problem for her at all.

* * *

By the start of the second week, Alyssa is feeling antsy.She has more downtime than Nic does, for sure. She finds herself listening to Nic’s playlists on Spotify because it makes her feel close to her girlfriend, like she can keep getting to know Nic through her music, while they’re apart.Besides, she has plenty of time to check it all out while she’s stuck in camp. Nic’s music is all over the place, and a definite contrast to Alyssa’s preference for jazz and classical. There’s a mixture ofrap and hip-hop with a bunch of Broadway show tunes and a little country - but Alyssa really finds herself drawn to the folksy stuff.It’s music that makes her want to pick up a guitar. She hasn’t played in a decade, since she took the class to get a fine arts credit in college, but now she can’t get the thought of relearning out of her head.It’s probably because she’s bored and she’s stuck, and because she doesn’t find sitting in her own silence quite as fun anymore.

She heads across the US Soccer compound to to not-Molly’s office and raps on the door jamb lightly.“Hey, Shannon.”

Shannon looks away from whatever she’s doing that requires two monitors on her desk.“Hey, Alyssa!”A smile spreads across her face and she sets her glasses on top of her head. What’s up?”

Alyssa leans against the doorframe, not comfortable enough to go inside uninvited. “I need you to get something for me.”She hesitates, second-guessing herself. Maybe she shouldn’t ask.But she blurts it out anyway. “A guitar.”

Shannon motions her inside, but Alyssa doesn’t sit down.“I got you two subscriptions for crossword puzzles because I knew you got one for yourself last summer and I didn’t know which you preferred.”

“I know. Thank you for that by the way. I really appreciate it. But I need something else to do. I finish the Journal before our first session. And I do the Times with my gir-“she stops herself. Shannon feels like a stranger compared to Molly, even though she’s been working for US Soccer for over 6 months now.

Shannon sits in silence, her face unreadable, waiting for Alyssa to finish her sentence. When it becomes clear that she’s not going to say anything, Shannon clears her throat. “I know you have a girlfriend, Alyssa. I filled out the paperwork for her flight and hotel.It’s ok.”

Shes right. Alyssa had emailed Shannon to ask about Nic coming, “last minute” as Shannon had jokingly complained in her reply.But she had included an attachment with the paperwork that needed to be filled out so she could process everything. Alyssa had purposely, accidentally, subconsciously (she didn’t know which) left the relationship box blank, but Shannon had called her and asked for the details. US soccer wasn’t going to pay for a friend to come out to their send-off celebration, so Alyssa had to tell her. And now, somewhere in the files of US Soccer lies proof, in writing, that Alyssa is gay.Not that anyone cares, but it’s out there, and given how private she’s always been, it feels weird.

“So you want a guitar,” Shannonclarifies. “Because the crosswords don’t fill your free time?”

“Look, I can get Nat to do it, as a stress management tool,” Alyssa says, resigning herself to the fact that maybe this isn’t going to happen, at least not from Shannon. Nat is the new Dawn.Nat seems like a better option right now.

“I didn’t say no,” Shannon cocks her head to one side.“I was just asking.”

“Or y’all could just let me go into the city and buy one,” Alyssa suggests.

“You know Vlatko wants this place to resemble how cooped up your going to be in Japan. Y’all are lucky he’s letting you keep your phones for now.” Alyssa sighs. “But I’ll go get you one.”

Alyssa’s eyes brighten and she picks her head up, realizing this is the first time she’s actually made eye contact with Shannon since she knocked.

Shannon nods at the smile. “But be honest, this is about impressing your girl.”

“What?No.I- it’s not.I- I just want to start playing again,” she stutters, unconvincingly.

“Come on.That’s gotta be like the number one reason to learn guitar - to impress a chick.There’s nothing hotter than a girl who can play guitar. Except maybe a girl who can play soccer and guitar.”

Alyssa finds her cheeks growing hot. They’re probably bright red by now. “I’m not trying to impress her, she says quietly, dropping eye contact momentarily. Shannon raises her eyebrows as she nods, as if she doesn’t actually believe it. 

“Thanks,” Alyssa says awkwardly because this whole conversation seems to have gotten strange to her. With a half wave, she disappears back into the hallway.

The following afternoon, there’s a guitar in Alyssa’s room, with a note on it. “Hope it’s a decent one. Enjoy!PS: if you need an audience to listen to you practice, I’m your girl!”

Alyssa makes the trek across the compound again to thank Shannon.She leans in the doorway, not knocking this time, waiting for Shannon to notice her. It takes a moment, but she does. “Thanks for getting it for me.”

“You’re very welcome.” Shannon smiles this disarming smile, and Alyssa thinks maybe not-Molly maybe deserves to be referred to by her actual name. Alyssa turns to leave. “Is she coming? To Japan?” Shannon asks.

Alyssa looks back, confused.“Who?”

“You’re girlfriend.”

Alyssa shakes her head.

“It must of be that serious then,” Shannon says, turning back to her work.

Alyssa thinks about correcting her. But _is it_ serious?It feels serious, but it hasn’t been very long at all. Probably not long enough to _be_ serious. And maybe Shannon’s right - if it _were_ serious, Alyssa would have asked Nic to come to Japan.But there’s also something in Shannon’s tone or maybe her expression that’s got Alyssa on edge, like she might be flirting. Stuck in those thoughts though, she misses her chance to respond and now it would be weird to say anything.Instead she thanks Shannon again and walks back to her room.

* * *

JJ finds her there later, lying on her back, legs propped up on the headboard, the guitar resting across her stomach, just strumming away.JJ can’t help but burst out laughing.“What the heck are you doing?”

“Relearning the guitar.”

“Like that?I don’t think that’s right.”

“Shut up.I’m tired.It works the same.”

Just then, Alyssa gets a FaceTime call from Nic.She rushes to set the guitar down on the floor on the far side of the bed. Julie shoots her a look, but hops into the shower to give Alyssa some privacy.

“Hey, baby,” she says softly, smiling into the phone. Nic smiles back, her eyes bright.She’s sprawled out on the couch, head propped up on the armrest, and Alyssa immediately pictures herself there too. Maybe squeezed in between Nic and the back of the couch, an arm draped over her girlfriend’s stomach.Maybe with her head resting on Nic’s thigh, legs dangling off the other end of the couch as Nic rubs her head.Maybe on top of her, brushing her hair out of her face, and kissing her as their bodies melt together in the Utah heat. She closes her eyes really picturing the last one.

“What’s wrong?Are you ok?”Nic sounds concerned and Alyssa has to chuckle. She ducks under her own covers. There’s no need to hide, JJ’s still in the bathroom, but somehow she feels safer there in her little cave.

“I’m fine. I was just... picturing myself... there, with you on the couch. You just look so comfy and cuddly.”Nic smiles. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you lately,” she admits.

“What about, exactly?” Nic asks. There’s a hint of coyness to her voice.

“About what it feels like when you let your lips graze my shoulders or when your hand rests on my thigh.”

“What _does_ it feel like?”

“Addictive. Like the room is spinning but I don’t want it to stop.”

“What else have you been thinking about?” Nic’s voice has dropped just a bit, and it’s hot.

Alyssa doesn’t want to tell her, but she _wants_ to tell her. She’s just not good at sexy talk.It embarrasses her and she doesn’t know why. “Things...” she says breathlessly, “that I want to do to you when you get her.”Alyssa knows she’s blushing and she’s glad it’s dark in her little cave. “And how much I love that I can get you so wet before I even take your underwear off. It turns me on that I turn you on like that.” Her voice is raspy now.

“I’m wet right now.”Nic’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“Oh yeah?What are you gonna do about it?” Alyssa asks, slightly emboldened knowing the effect her words have on Nic.

“What do you want me to do about it?”Nic squeaks out.

Alyssa shrugs. She’s wet too, but she’s not going to admit it.

“Well, I guess I’m just going to have to...” Nic closes her eyes and bites her lip, and the blush on Alyssa’s face deepens in anticipation of what Nic is about to say. Or maybe do. There’s a long, dramatic pause. “Wait another 5 days until I see you.” Nic finishes her sentence and Alyssa lets out an audible groan, drawing a big grin from Nic. 

“Six days,” she corrects her. Nic’s face falls, but that’s what she gets. “You’ll see me in five, but only to hang out with the team and to go to dinner with my family. You won’t get any alone time with me until the next day, after the game.”

Now it’s Nic’s turn to groan, but she quickly regains her composure.“Fine, I can handle it. No big deal.”

“Mmm-hhmmm,” Alyssa says as if she doesn’t believe her. “What if I keep teasing you everyday?”

“With pictures?” Nic asks hopefully. Her eyes are sparkling with mischievousness and Alyssa can’t help but laugh, a real belly laugh.

She hears the click of the bathroom door.“Goodnight, sweetheart.I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”


	28. Meet the Parents

Alyssa’s sitting in the conference room at the the US Soccer compound with her whole family - her parents, both of her sisters, her brother-in-law, her niece and nephew. All that’s missing now is her girlfriend, whose plane touched down last. Alyssa has been nervously awaiting her arrival for hours, ok days really, but now that she knows Nic is in a shuttle on her way here, it’s really starting to sink in. Alyssa’s about to introduce her girlfriend to her parents. Way too soon, at least based on both conventional wisdom and her own history. And she’s nervous, biting her nails, knee bouncing under the table, only half paying attention to what’s being said around her. Except for when her nephew talks to her; then she snaps out of it and gives him her full attention. She adores him more than anything. But right now, he wants to talk to his Toby, so she carries him over to where Tobin’s and Christen’s families have shoved a couple of tables together so they can hang out. She sits back and watches him play the animal sounds game with Tobin, listens to his giggling, and all is right with the world. Alyssa doesn’t even know what she’s nervous about. Her parents know. They’re going to love her. But still, it’s scary. 

Her phone buzzes in her pocket.

**Nic**: _I’m here_!

”Hey, Tobin? Keep playing with him for a minute?” Tobin looks up at Alyssa and nods. “She’s here.” 

Tobin gives her a wink. “Good luck avoiding all the hugs you’re gonna get from like everyone who doesn’t know yet,” Tobin laughs.

Alyssa steps out into the foyer, and sees Nic right away. She still has her bag with her, having come straight to Alyssa instead of the hotel next door. Alyssa meets her halfway, wrapping her in a quick but tight hug. She gets a whiff of Nic’s shampoo in the moment and feels like she can breathe normally again. “Hey, stranger,” Alyssa smiles.

”Hey yourself.” That grin. They way she smiles with her eyes. Alyssa really, really wants to kiss her. 

”You ready for this?” Alyssa asks, referring to her family. And her entire team.

“More ready than you sounded last night. There’s still time to back out if you want. I can walk right back through those doors like I was never here. And not be mad about it,” Nic adds, for good measure.

”Too late. My sister already spotted you,” Alyssa says, spying Amanda over her shoulder. Alyssa shoots Amanda a look as she approaches them.

”What? I wanted to meet her first!” Amanda says excitedly. She turns to Nic and introduces herself, then decides a handshake will not suffice and pulls Nic into a full on hug. For being Alyssa’s twin, they’re quite different. Amanda’s much more effervescent. “I’d say I know a lot about you, and I do know more than everyone else,” Amanda jokes, “but _someone_ is rather tight-lipped about her love life.” Nic laughs. “But I’m excited to finally meet you. And to get to know you. While she’s off playing and can’t stop us.”

Alyssa rolls her eyes. “Let’s go.” As they walk through the double doors and into the conference room, Alyssa grabs Nic’s hand. Nic shoots her a look. “We’re safe in here,” Alyssa says. It’s one of the things about the national team family that she never really gave a second thought to until now. While most of Alyssa’s gay teammates, like herself, are out to their family, friends, teammates, aren’t out to the public. They always have to be aware of their surroundings, checking to see if anyone is watching them, if anyone knows them, could be taking pictures of them. It gets kind of miserable. But around this big blended family of theirs, they don’t have to hide who they are or who they love. No one’s taking pictures and posting on social media. It’s an unwritten, and very well-respected rule. It’s just a bigger bubble of their own team, expanded to include their families. She pulls Nic behind her, weaving in and out through the tables, until she reaches her family. Some people notice, and follow with their eyes; but most are too wrapped up in their conversations to even realize Alyssa has passed them.

With Nic standing beside her, she takes a deep breath. “Nic, these are my parents, John and Donna, my sister Abby, and her husband, Chris. And well, Amanda already introduced herself to you.” Alyssa’s mom hugs Nic. Everybody else shakes her hand. There. It’s over with. That wasn’t too bad. Alyssa pulls a chair next to hers for Nic, and flips hers around so she can lean forward. Her back hurts from training today. They fall into conversation, her family all trying to get to know her girlfriend, but they keep getting interrupted. 

First Julie comes over and envelops Nic in a big hug from behind, like she already knows her. Which she kind of does. And Julie dragged Crystal, who had no idea, over with her.

Then Tobin brings Alyssa’s nephew back, and Christen comes with her to say hi. They catch up for a few minutes, excited to see her for the first time since the Portland game.

Kelley bounds over and plops down in Nic’s lap, announcing that she introduced the happy couple, because she wants Alex to know what a good job she did. 

“I feel like we can’t even get to know you like this,” Donna comments good-naturedly, “But you’re coming to dinner with us tonight, yes?” Nic nods. “Then we’re going to get out of your hair for now so you guys can talk to your friends. We’ll see you in a bit.” Everyone but Amanda leaves.

Without Alyssa’s entire entourage around, Rose and Sam make Lindsey and Sonny take them to go to say hi, since they’re scared of Alyssa, and Lindsey and Sonny have already hung out with the couple.

Becky and AD wave from where they are, because they’re not annoying children. 

Abby and Casey come over, half pissed that their defensive alliance didn’t make them privy to this inside information, but they congratulate Alyssa anyway. 

Carli doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself, which is fine by Alyssa. 

Pinoe is the last one to interrupt them. “So I heard a rumor that you were dating someone, Naeher,” she says slyly, “but I didn’t believe it. And yet...” she raises an eyebrow at Nic, who has her hand lightly resting on Alyssa’s back, “it seems that it wasn’t just a rumor.” Pinoe looks at Nic, because she knows she’s not going to get an answer from Alyssa, other than maybe an eye roll. “How long has she kept this information from us?”

”Not long at all,” Nic promises, and that seems to satisfy Megan. For now. She leaves. Nic turns to Alyssa. “So I know you said everyone was going to be shocked, but...”

Amanda interrupts her. “You didn’t quite believe her?” Nic nods. “Yeah, it’s a spectacle when the most private person on the team finally decides to share a little bit of her life with the people who adore her.”

”I didn’t have anything to share until now,” Alyssa rolls her eyes. “And now that I do, it’s not like I’m hiding it. I don’t know why everybody is making a big deal about it.”

”They’re not, Alyssa. They’re just happy that you look so happy. And they want to get to know her. We all do,” Amanda explains. “Anyway, I’ll let you two catch up. See ya later.” She gives her sister and her sister’s girlfriend a hug, and heads to the hotel next door.

”You ok, babe,” Nic leans in close to Alyssa, who is resting on her forearms. Nic turns in her chair lets her hand drift onto Alyssa’s knee.

Alyssa nods, not picking her head up. This is all a lot for her, having so much attention on her, even if it comes from a good place. “I’m just tired. And sore. And I missed you so much.” Also, in the back of her mind, she realizes it hasn’t even been that long, and she’s about to be away longer. 

“I can go to the hotel and let you rest?”

”No. Come lay down with me. Unless you want me to show you around this place. It’s pretty amazing.”

”I’m pretty sure you’re more amazing than this entire place. Show me your room.”

Alyssa pushes herself up out of the chair with effort, and takes Nic’s hand again. They leave the room to Kelley’s loud whistling and clapping. Kelley’s got an audience again, so she’s back on.

As soon as they’re inside Alyssa room, Alyssa pulls Nic in for a kiss. _Finally_. Nic’s lips send a tingle through Alyssa, but Nic pulls away, stroking her cheek. “Thought you were tired?”

”I am,” Alyssa mutters between kisses. “But I also missed you.” She pushes Nic lightly towards her bed, still kissing her, and struggling to get her jacket off without breaking contact with their lips. Nic slides her hands inside the breast of Alyssa’s jacket to help the process along. They fall onto the bed, legs slotted together. Nic wraps her arms around Alyssa’s neck, laughing as Alyssa nuzzles and tickles her.

Alyssa pulls back so she can see Nic, and Nic cups her face, as Alyssa’s hair falls forward, a huge smile spreading from cheek to cheek. Alyssa loves that smile. They just lay like that, in silence, staring at each other’s eyes as the minutes pass, until Nic finally asks Alyssa if her back hurts.

”How’d you know?”  
  
“The way you were sitting earlier. And also, you’re muscles right here,” she says, squeezing Alyssa’s traps, “are super tight. Massage?” 

“Yes, please!” But Alyssa doesn’t move off of her girlfriend right away. Instead, she kisses her forehead, her eyelids, the tip of her nose, her cheek, behind her ear, first. Then, she sits up, straddling Nic, and pulls her shirt over her head. She watches Nic’s eyes fall to her breasts, and then her abs, relishes that little bite of her lower lip that she does, closes her eyes at the feeling of Nic’s hands on her bare skin. 

Until Julie bursts through the door. “Oh, shit! Yeah, ok, cool. You’re having sex,” she stammers, averting her eyes. 

Alyssa throws her shirt at Julie. “Shut up,” she rolls her eyes. “We’re basically fully clothed, open your eyes.” 

Julie peaks through her fingers hesitantly, not really believing it. “Um, Zach went back to the hotel, but I’m gonna go hang out with someone else now, so later!”

”Julie get back in here,” Nic laughs. “She just wants a massage, nothing else. You can stay.”

”I bet she does,” Julie replies, raising her eyebrows. But she stays. And she’s sure to let Nic know that Alyssa has access to a professional masseuse everyday if she needs a massage. 

After awhile, Nic tells Alyssa that she needs to go check into her hotel, shower and change for dinner, but Alyssa convinces her that getting ready in her room would be no different, so she should just stay, let Alyssa’s parents pick them both up for dinner here. Alyssa can be persuasive when she wants to be. And she wants to be when she knows the benefit is possibly seeing her girlfriend getting ready for dinner with nothing but a towel on. 

It’s not as sexy and romantic as she hoped - three women moving about in the same room, suitcases on beds, in and out of a single bathroom, all trying to get dressed, fix their hair, and well, Julie at least has to do her makeup. But, she manages to steal a couple of kisses to Nic’s bare shoulders, and Julie leaves a few minutes before they do for her date with Zach, so it’s not all for naught. 

They head out front to wait for Alyssa’s parents, and find Amanda in the back seat. She graciously scoots to the middle, separating the couple. Alyssa glares at her. Amanda ignores her and wants to talk to Nic about how she managed to get Alyssa to go out on a second date with her after Kelley’s blind date. 

Nic laughs. “I wrote my number on her hand,” she admits, “but you’ll have to ask _her_ why she kept pursuing me after that.”

”That’s not exactly how it happened,” Alyssa groans, cheeks hot.

Nic leans over Amanda and looks at Alyssa. “No? Coffee, crossword puzzles, a home cooked meal, your friend’s birthday, your games...”

Ok, so maybe it happened _something_ like that.

”Anyway, how’s that dog of yours doing?” Alyssa tries to change the subject. But it just makes Amanda snort, because she knows Alyssa doesn’t care how her girlfriend’s dog is. Except she kind of does. She misses him a little bit. He’s ok. For a dog.

It makes Amanda giddy to know that her sister finally likes someone this much. And Alyssa can tell that Amanda has instantly taken to Nic. It warms her heart, makes her feel better about all of it. She knows she shouldn’t need her sister’s approval, but she does. She’s still so unsure of herself, doesn’t trust the decisions she’s made in relationships in the past, so it’s good to have that confirmation from the person who she’s closest to in the whole world.

Dinner goes smoothly. The Naehers are warm and chatty, not reserved like Alyssa at all. They ask all about Nic’s career and are genuinely interested. Her younger sister is super interested in the entire concept of an outdoor education, having kids of her own, and makes the connection between how the three sisters were raised - always outside, always doing something - and how successful they’ve all been in school and their careers. They talk about Alyssa’s childhood - how she wasn’t always so calm, at least when it came to competing with her twin on the field and the court. And in the backyard. And at board games. Nic had no idea that Alyssa was good at basketball too. “All around athletes, these girl,” John says proudly, the coach in him coming out. Alyssa loves watching Nic belly laugh at her family’s stories of her, even if they are embarrassing.

And she loves that under the table, Nic’s hand has hardly left hers at all. She knows Nic has noticed the calluses forming on the fingertips of her left hand from her new guitar hobby. She keeps running her fingers over each one, slowly, as if she’s studying them. It’s one of the things Alyssa really appreciates about Nic - she notices little details, things that might be almost imperceptible to others, like slight shifts in Alyssa’s mood, or when she can’t be affectionate. It’s like Alyssa doesn’t even have to tell her. It’s nice being able to be read like that, especially because communication is still hard for Alyssa sometimes. Not that it would be easy for anyone to have to tell their significant other _Hey, you can’t touch me when we go into this place or that_. 

Alyssa’s parents drive them back to US Soccer headquarters, and Nic thanks them for dinner. Nic plans on leaving after she grabs her bag from Alyssa’s room. But according to Alyssa, “We have and hour and,” she checks her watch, “thirteen minutes before curfew and JJ’s not here, so you should stay.”

”Fine. You haven’t done our crossword yet, have you?” Nic asks.

”Well no, but...” Alyssa has other plans for their brief time together. 

“Good. Where is it?” She sits down on Alyssa’s bed, leaning against the headboard.

”You know,” Alyssa wonders aloud, “I’m a professional soccer player. I’m the starting goalkeeper. For the best team in the world.”

”Mmhmm,” Nic murmurs.

”Someone once told me I have great arms,” Alyssa says slyly. “ And I feel like my legs are pretty irresistible, too.”

”Do you?”

”And my back?” Alyssa shakes her head. “Sexy. Have you seen it? I can show you.”

“How’s your ass?” Nic asks, playing along.

”Sexy too.”

”Is that so?”

”It is. Some might say I’m irresistible,” Alyssa says with a little sassiness.

”Who? Who are these people looking at my girlfriend like she’s a piece of meat?”

Alyssa bursts out laughing.

Nic pats the bed beside her. “Crossword.”

* * *

The following morning, when Nic heads down to have breakfast at the hotel, the Naeher clan is already there. Amanda welcomes her over, and Donna stands to get a hug. As more families begin to file in, talk turns to the Olympics, only a few weeks away now. 

”So are you coming?” Amanda asks.

Nic shakes her head.

”Why not?”

”You know we just started seeing each other, right?”

”You know I can’t speak for my sister, but I think you make her happy, right? And I think you should come,” Amanda says with confidence. “It’s a once in a lifetime experience. Besides, it’s probably her last Games.”

”Might be her last big tournament,” John chimes in sadly, and Donna nods in agreement.

”Don’t you think she should come, Mom,” Amanda presses the issue.

”I think they should do what’s best for them,” Donna says, non-committally. 

”It’s bad timing,” Nic adds. “Right before school starts.”

* * *

The final send-off game against Switzerland is uneventful. Alyssa hardly even touches the ball. After the game, as the players start coming over to the stands, families, including Alyssa’s, start to file down to meet at the railing. Nic stays put. Amanda motions her to follow, but Nic just shakes her head. 

“Too many people. Too many cameras.” She doesn’t want an ounce of speculation falling on Alyssa, not one picture where someone could ask _who’s that talking to Naeher_?

From down below, Alyssa gives Nic a strange look, and she waves, but she leaves it at that, and shoots a text to Alyssa that she’ll see back in the locker room instead. 

_Seeing you play, with 50,000 other people there to watch you, was one of the most incredible things I’ve ever witnessed. I’m really proud of you. See you tonight._

She knows she won’t see Alyssa again until the banquet tonight. They players have media, have to eat and shower, spend some time together, and then have their post-game debrief with Vlatko, before they can even go back to their rooms to get ready for tonight. 

* * *

When Nic walks into the conference room, it has been transformed into a banquet hall. It’s a fancy event, with a catered meal and speeches by US Soccer officials and staff, music, and a general celebratory atmosphere to send the team off on a high note. 

Alyssa sees her, and meets her with a kiss. “You look handsome,” she says with a wink and a smile.

”Had to dress for the sexiness I knew you’d bring,” Nic squeezes her hand. “You look amazing, Lyss.” Alyssa leads her to their table, and Nic pulls out Alyssa’s chair for her. Alyssa’s body language speaks volumes throughout the evening. The way she’s angled her chair just slightly towards her girlfriend during dinner. Her hand on the back of Nic’s chair during the speeches they have to listen to, thumb grazing Nic’s back. They way she’s not paying attention to what’s being said up on stage at all, because she keeps leaning in to talk to Nic.

”I really wish they’d stop talking,” she finally whispers in Nic’s ear. “I just want to go back to your room already.”

She feels Nic’s hand climb farther up her thigh under the cover of the table cloth. She uncrosses her legs so Nic’s fingers can trace circles on her inner thigh. 

“I’ll make it worth your wait,” Nic promises. And then she adds, “It’s a nice room. You should see the tub though. That’s the best part.”

Alyssa leans in and kisses Nic on the cheek. It’s like they’re in their own little world, unaware of the room full of people around them. JJ, seated behind them and currently turned in her chair to see the stage, lovingly kicks the back of Alyssa’s chair as a friendly reminder.

Dinner and formalities finally over, the music starts playing and the spot that’s been cleared for a dance floor starts to fill.

”Come on,” Nic begs, tugging at Alyssa’s arm. “Let’s have some fun.”

Nic couldn’t get Alyssa to dance with a couple of drinks in her, and she’s certainly not going to dance completely sober. She may have opened up a lot in the past few weeks, let some of her walls come down, but she has limits. Dancing is one of them, and will always be as far as she’s concerned. 

The Naehers are seated at a table near the Heath-Press clans, JJ’s family, and the Dunns. The foursome all decide to go dance, and are able to drag Nic with them. “Be careful!” Alyssa calls out after her, “only two of them can dance!”

But it gives Alyssa a chance to talk with her family. “You guys should look into changing her flight tomorrow. Have her come home with you for the next couple of days,” Amanda suggests gently. 

Alyssa looks at her, then looks around the table. No one seems opposed to it. And frankly, she had kind of been wishing she’d have a couple more days to spend with her girlfriend. 

”We could use an extra pair of hands getting the dock rebuilt before we all head to Japan,” John agrees.

They like her. Maybe her sister’s right. It wasn’t like she hadn’t thought about it already. But, Nic has a job. She had to move things around to make even this short trip happen. And yet... it would be such an awesome surprise, for this woman who has been such a beautiful surprise in Alyssa’s life, if she could pull it off. Her house sitter would need to stay longer. Alyssa doesn’t know how to make that happen before tomorrow morning. Unless... she just gets one of her teammates to take over, get the spare key out from under the potted plant where the sitter leaves it. Take care of Koopa and the chickens for a couple of days. It would need to be someone responsible. And someone who doesn’t have pets of their own. Corsie would be her first choice, but she’s watching Becky’s cats. Gunny. Gunny could work. It’s a doable plan. 

Alyssa’s eyes fixate on her mom, still needing that approval at the age of 32. “Are you two sleeping together?” Donna asks bluntly. 

”Mom!” Alyssa is on the verge of distraught. The rest of the table thinks it’s funny. Alyssa decides if she weren’t a twin, she would have been adopted by these people.

”What? I can’t answer until I know if I would have to clean out the guest bedroom of all of my sewing things. Because if I do, then I’m going to say no. It’s too much work for me to do so you can bring your girlfriend home for two days.” Donna rationalizes.

Alyssa shakes her head in disbelief. “You don’t have to clean out your sewing stuff, Mom,” Alyssa assures her, trying to avoid the question but knowing that inevitably, her mom got an answer out of her.

She’s about to get up and call Gunny when she sees Nic heading back to the table, so she shoots off a text instead. 

**Alyssa: **How_ do you feel about house-sitting for my girlfriend for the next couple of days? Please? It’s super easy. And I’ll get your coffee for the rest of the season.   
_

She gets a reply immediately, right as Nic is sitting down.   
  
**Gunny: **_you had me at coffee._


	29. Me. You. Bed. Now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some smut and some feelings for your Saturday evening. Or leave it for the Lord’s day if you prefer. 😉

“Fuck,  I missed you. So much,” Alyssa murmurs between kisses as she fumbles with Nic’s tie. She had Nic pressed up against her hotel room door as soon as they got inside, desperate for more than just the occasional peck or brush of a hand on skin that she got at dinner. The tie is tossed aside and Alyssa untucks Nic’s shirt before starting in on the buttons. One at a time. Slowly. Exposing more skin as each one is undone. And as each additional inch of skin is exposed, Alyssa lets her lips fall there, brushing lightly. Neck. Collarbone. Chest. Stomach. Alyssa feels her girlfriend shudder under her touch and she can’t help but smile as she works her way back up, sliding Nic’s shirt off her shoulders, kissing there, too.

”Seems like it,” Nic teases her. And then, softer, “I missed you, too, baby.”

Alyssa stops for a moment, pulls back, looks at her. But she’s not really looking at Nic as much as she is reflecting on herself in the moment - her own self-assuredness, her desire, her vulnerability - not different, just a better version of who she is.It’s all reflected in her girlfriend’s eyes.Those kind eyes, filled with want, and maybe something else, perhaps.

But Nic pulls her back, and in an instant, their lips are back together in a kiss that seems like it may never end. Until Nic squeezes Alyssa’s hip and Alyssa almost buckles at the feeling of her fingers digging in. It hurts in a good way because she’s sore, and it tickles, but of course Nic already knows that’s one of the spots that drives Alyssa crazy. She kisses Nic harder, pressing her into the door as her tongue explores Nic’s mouth. And she feels Nic’s fingertips climbing up the outside of her thigh, pushing up her dress, running over her hip, cupping her ass cheek. That final bit causes a tiny moan to escape from Alyssa’s mouth, and she leans down to bury her face in her girlfriend’s shoulder.   
  
“I didn’t know you owned anything like this,” Nic whispers into her ear.

”Just for special occasions. And special people,” Alyssa reveals, still relishing the feeling of Nic’s hand on her ass.

”Bed?”

“Bed.” Alyssa agrees. She lets Nic push off of the door and guide her by the hips into her hotel room, while Alyssa continues to nip at her lips, and fumble with her belt. By the time the back of Alyssa’s legs run into the bed, Alyssa has Nic’s pants off and is working on her bra. 

Nic turns Alyssa around, reaching up to undo the clasp on Alyssa’s dress, and then unzips it. She lets the dress slowly fall down Alyssa’s shoulders as she kisses her back. Nic’s lips feel like fire on Alyssa’s skin, and the burning sensation is giving her chills. Nic slides the dress the rest of the way down, helping it over Alyssa’s hips, that she so often hides under athletic wear. Nic wraps her arms around Alyssa’s waist, pressing her cheek into Alyssa’s muscular back, as she teases her fingers across Alyssa’s stomach and up to her bra. Alyssa rests her palms over Nic’s hands, moving with them until, before she realizes it, she’s the one dictating where her girlfriend’s hands travel. She runs them over her bra, not letting Nic’s hands stay long enough to play with her nipples, and she guides one down her stomach and over her panties, without allowing it to linger. She feels the cadence of Nic’s hot breath on her back change. Finally, Alyssa turns around and it’s then that Nic gets her first look at Alyssa in a lacy bra and barely there panties 

“Holy fuck,” she says breathlessly, taking a step back so she can drink in the beauty that is her girlfriend, but never letting go of Alyssa’s hands. Alyssa blushes. She’s never done this. Never worn lingerie for someone. Never been comfortable with the idea of being appreciated, visually. Never thought of herself as someone anyone would _want_ to look at. And yet, here she is, Nic’s eyes wandering over her body, taking in the sight of Alyssa in silvery lace lingerie. 

”You like it?” Alyssa asks shyly. She knows she shouldn’t have to ask, Nic’s face tells her everything she needs to know, but it helps her to feel more comfortable if she hears it too.

Nic nods immediately, enthusiastically. “I didn’t think it was possible for you to be any sexier, but damn.”

And then, as Alyssa pulls Nic down on top of her, she sees a flash in Nic’s eyes and something changes in her face. Her lips are taught. There are worry lines on her forehead that Alyssa can’t recall if she’s actually seen before.

Nic shifts slightly off of Alyssa and onto her side and Alyssa turns into her, throwing one leg over Nic. Nic is resting her head on one arm, and her other hand is very distractedly running over the outside of Alyssa’s thigh, in no discernible pattern. They stare at each other as the minutes pass, neither one saying a word, both seemingly wanting to. Alyssa’s head is screaming, “Say it!” at both herself and her girlfriend.

Nic reaches over and runs her fingers through Alyssa’s hair, settling her fingers on Alyssa’s jawline as she strokes her cheek with her thumb. Alyssa smiles contentedly and kisses Nic on the forehead. But the worry lines are still there and her eyes are a little more dull. “What’s wrong, baby?” she asks, a little concerned.

”Nothing,” Nic says quickly. “It’s just... I... you’re so far outta my league. Like, I don’t deserve you.” The words rush out of her mouth almost in one long run-on sentence.

Alyssa sputters, trying to contain a little laugh, thinking Nic has to be joking. But she’s not joking. The look on her face says she very much meant it. “Baby. What does that even mean? Where is this coming from?” Alyssa asks as gently as she can.

”You’re just a quality human being. But on top of that, you’re gorgeous. Like you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever dated, by far. You’re fucking hot. And your famous. Like, I knew you were famous, I watched the World Cup, but maybe it didn’t sink in? Watching you play in person, with the US National Team, it’s just different than on TV or back in Sandy. The packed stands. The colors flying everywhere. You have your own _chant_. And all these little kids want to be just like you. I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m so thankful I got to experience it. But you can do so much better than me. You could have anyone you wanted.”

Alyssa’s brow furrows in confusion. It’s the first hint of insecurity she’s seen in Nic, and she wonders if it’s always been there and she just missed it, or if maybe this was just all too much, too soon. But Alyssa doesn’t want anyone else. She wants _Nic_ and Nic needs to hear that.   


“I don’t want anyone else. I want _you_. You’re the only person that’s ever made me feel like I can be me,” she tries to explain. “Right off the bat, you made me feel comfortable. You have no idea that that is virtually impossible. God, I don’t know how to explain it,” Alyssa shakes her head in frustration. “It’s just, I want you around. That sounds ridiculous, I know. But, I never wanted to take anyone home. I mean, I did, eventually because I had to, but that’s different. I never wanted to introduce someone to my teammates. I never wanted to go out on a date in public. And I know you have no frame of reference to understand this, but I am not a touchy person. At all. And I can’t keep my hands off of you and I want your hands all over me.” The tenor of Alyssa’s voice is rising. “Fuck! Why is this so hard? Like, I was never a sexual person and yet, I went and bought lingerie when I found out you were coming out here. And I asked myself, ‘Who am I?’ But the answer is, I’m becoming someone that I really like. Because you’re next to me. There’s just _something_ about you that creates a space where it’s safe for me to be me. I don’t care about the fame. I could walk away from it today and be fine. It’s the least important thing in my life. You got this all wrong. We absolutely deserve each other,” she finishes her long rant with an equally long breath out.   
  
Nic doesn’t say anything for a long time, just lies there, blinking at Alyssa. And Alyssa guesses it’s because she wasn’t quite convincing enough. But mainly because you can’t just tell someone not to feel the way they feel and expect it to work in an instant. “My family really likes you. My teammates really like you. You know _I_ really like you, right?” Alyssa asks and Nic nods. “Then don’t say that again. Please. I’m not out of your league.”

”But everyone thinks you’re - ” Nic tries to argue.

”No one thinks that. I promise,” Alyssa interrupts. She doesn’t care where the sentence is going. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks or doesn’t thinks. She reaches for Nic’s hand and kissing her palm sweetly.   


Before long, she’s capturing Nic’s lips in a kiss. Soon she’s tugging on Nic’s bottom lip and trying to catch Nic’s tongue. And then she’s pressing Nic flat into the mattress, sliding on top of her. “I want you,” she whispers hoarsely in Nic’s ear, and just in case there’s any doubt in Nic’s mind, she guides Nic’s hand down under her panties, running Nic’s fingers through her wetness. “So bad.” She pulls Nic’s hand away after only a few seconds, only wanting to tease her. Alyssa’s quite certain that if she lets that hand linger any longer, she’ll be riding Nic’s fingers before she even realizes it. And she plans on doing that. Later. After she shows Nic exactly how much she missed her. But then Nic raises her fingers to her lips, tasting Alyssa on them, she seriously reconsiders her plan for how tonight is going to go. She bites her lip to try to distract herself. But it does little to slow down her racing pulse.   


Alyssa ducks down and kisses Nic’s lips softly. She strokes Nic’s cheek, traces over her collarbone with one fingertip, taking her time, not wanting to rush anything as she tries to convey her feelings that way because words are hard. Nic’s hands are on her back, and they easily unhook Alyssa’s bra, letting it fall off. Nic now has Alyssa’s back exposed and she drags her nails up and down the entire expanse, sending a shiver through Alyssa.   


Alyssa trails her fingers from Nic’s collarbone to her breasts, and then finally down inside her underwear. “So wet,” she whispers, making a single pass through Nic’s folds before running circles into her clit. Nic moans softly into the air, and it spurs Alyssa to slide two fingers inside her girlfriend, leaving her palm in place for Nic to press up into. Alyssa likes this position, propped up on one arm so she can kiss Nic lips or neck or breasts, but also because she can see her girlfriend’s expression change, her face contorting in pleasure, the way she licks her lips and then clenches her jaw. And Alyssa can watch her abs tighten as she presses up into Alyssa’s hand, searching for more friction against her clit.   


”Off,” Nic whispers, reaching down with her only free hand to try to maneuver her underwear down. They’re too restrictive; she wants Alyssa to have a better angle. Alyssa stops what she’s doing long enough to help slide them down low enough that Nic can kick out of them. Then her fingers are back inside and this time, she holds herself up over Nic, pushing Nic’s legs further apart with her own thigh and then using her thigh to push deeper into Nic and to provide more resistance as Nic grinds against her hand. It only takes a moment like this before Alyssa feels Nic’s walls tightening around her fingers, pulling her in as she rides out the waves of her orgasm. And Alyssa finds herself riding Nic’s thigh, looking for friction against her own center, as her girlfriend cums.

Nic wraps a leg around Alyssa and pulls her down on top of her so Alyssa is no longer supporting her own weight. She lays her head on Nic’s chest, feeling the rise and fall gradually slow, and Nic’s breathing into her hair transitions from ragged to more steady. And then Nic’s hands creep down to Alyssa’s hips, fumbling with the waistband of her panties. “Off,” she says quietly. 

Alyssa lifts her head and looks at her girlfriend. “You’re a woman of few words tonight,” she says, cocking her head to the side, wondering if Nic is ok. But she reaches down and slides them off anyway, happy to be completely skin on skin now.

”If you want more words,” Nic starts, squeezing one hand in between their bodies that are tightly pressed together, “I wanna fuck you. With my fingers,” she says, sliding two in Alyssa’s wetness and then inside. “And then with my tongue,” she adds, causing Alyssa to bite down, not too hard, on Nic’s shoulder. “And when we’re done in here, I want you to fuck me again. In that tub.” Her voice is a low whisper.

Alyssa isn’t ready to say it aloud, but she is a sucker for a little bit of dirty talk. The way it turns her on, gets her hips moving into Nic’s hand as her fingers curl inside of Alyssa. Maybe it’s the words, maybe it’s the raspiness of Nic’s voice, maybe it’s the position, or just their time apart, maybe it’s because she’s certain she’s in love now, but Alyssa feels herself letting go. First her body weight as she relaxes, then all of her worry as she can’t seem to focus on anything but the sensation she’s feeling between her legs. She lets out a high pitched whine as she climaxes, and she feels her lungs burning as the orgasm runs through her body, leaving her unable to take a breath in momentarily. Her whole body feels like it’s trembling and she keeps tensing up against Nic’s thigh as the orgasms come in smaller and smaller waves. And Nic’s got her, holding her tightly as she comes down.

Alyssa’s face is buried in the crook of Nic’s neck, and when Nic rolls them over after a moment, she sees tears in Alyssa’s eyes. “Oh my God! Are you ok? What-”

Alyssa half laughs as the tears spill over onto her cheeks. She pulls Nic back down onto her, and kisses the top of her head. “I’m fine. That was just... intense. Cause it’s been awhile, I guess. But those are happy tears.”

”You’re sure?” Nic sounds unconvinced and very concerned. 

”Promise. In fact,” Alyssa smiles as she kisses Nic’s cheek, “I recall you saying there was something else you were going to do to me. Hmm...” she taps her chin with one finger, playfully acting like she can’t remember. “What was it?”

Nic grins and drops her lips to Alyssa’s breast, using her fingers to toy with Alyssa’s other nipple. 

Alyssa squirms with pleasure, a little moan escaping from her mouth. “Nope, I don’t think that was it.”

Nic ducks her head down lower, pressing Alyssa’s thighs apart. She plants a soft kiss on the inside of each thigh and grazes her thumb over Alyssa’s clit. Nic tastes Alyssa with a tentative tongue, and Alyssa breathes the word “fuck” from her lips. Nic must’ve found the right spot.

With a soft tongue, she runs over Alyssa’s clit, but it isn’t long before Alyssa is pulling her in, wanting more. And Nic gives it to her, stiffening her tongue, licking hard and fast. Alyssa responds, searching for and gripping Nic’s hands, unable to stay silent any longer. Her toes curl into the mattress until her arches cramp and her legs are shaking. “Oh God, baby,” she moans, and she’s coming again, panting and sweaty, her skin sticking to the hotel sheets. Nic stays between Alyssa’s legs, kissing her softly all over as Alyssa reaches to run her fingers through Nic’s hair.

Nic wipes her mouth and kisses all the way back up to Alyssa’s neck. “Baby,” she whispers into Alyssa’s ear, leaving the word hanging in the silence.

They lay there, legs intertwined, for what seems like ages before Nic sits up. “Still got this awesome whirlpool tub we need to take advantage of. What do you say?” Alyssa nods and Nic smiles, giving her a quick peck on the tip of her nose. “Wait here, I’ll get it all set up.”

A few minutes later, she calls Alyssa into the bathroom. The lights are off and Nic has set up candles are the back part of the tub. The jacuzzi feature is on and the water is whirling around, and it smells faintly like lavender and citrus.

“You can’t have candles in a hotel room,” Alyssa protests from the doorway. But her eyes are wide and bright. 

Nic takes her hand and pulls her in. “Flameless. Relax. I had free time today. I went and picked up a few things.” She helps Alyssa into the tub and Alyssa sinks down so the jets are blasting into the tight muscles of her back. Nic climbs in after her, lying back against Alyssa’s chest. 

Their eyes close as they relax into each other, in the dimly lit room with the calming smells. It feels like perfection to Alyssa. She bends one knee, bringing her foot up towards Nic. “Rub my arch, please,” she begs, and she feels Nic chuckle on her chest like she knows before her thumb finds Alyssa’s foot. 

Alyssa kisses Nic’s shoulder. ”I did something, while you were setting this up” she says after a few minutes. “But I can undo it, if you want.”

”Mmm?”

”I, um, may have changed your flight.”

”Lyss, there was only one more that departs later than the one I’m taking. It’s not worth you paying the difference. It was like double the cost. That’s why they didn’t book it,” Nic sighs, suddenly not relaxed anymore.

”That’s not what I meant. Your ticket might be to Hartford now? Instead of Salt Lake.”

Silence. 

”Hartford. As in Connecticut. Your home.” It sinks in for Nic. “Babe, my pet sitter isn’t scheduled past tomorrow. I don’t know if she can keep coming or if she’s booked. And I didn’t pack clothes for a longer trip. I want to spend more time with you too, but...”

”I took care of your pet sitter,” Alyssa interrupts. “Gunny’s going over tomorrow. And we’ll stop and get you some stuff at a sporting good store, or you can just wear my clothes. My family’s going to put you to work. You aren’t going to need to dress up.”

Nic turns around, straddling Alyssa, so she can look at her in what little light they have. Alyssa’s face is tense as she waits for an answer, but her eyes are hopeful. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. Or if you can’t because of work. But I want to spend as much time with you as I can before I can’t anymore for a long time.”

”Baby,” Nic caresses Alyssa’s cheek.

Alyssa is sure she’s going to say no. “It’s not going to be the same as camp. They’re going to collect our phones in the evening and around game days so we can ‘focus’ and not be distracted by the outside world. There are going to be days at a time that we can’t talk.”

”This is supposed to be your family time though.”

”I know. And it will be. They really like you. And I mean it, we’re going to be working the whole time. It’s not going to be any alone time for us, I just want you around. And they want you around. It was actually Amanda’s idea,” Alyssa admits.

”I’m fine work-wise,” Nic finally says. “Are you sure about this?”

Alyssa nods. She really is. She wants the normalcy before her life gets insane. Wants Nic to be part of that normalcy. She wants to show Nic her hometown. Wants her to get to know her family better, and vice versa. “Please?”

Nic nods and the smile that forms on Alyssa’s face and in her eyes is so bright that Nic has to kiss her. She cups Alyssa’s face with both hands. “How am I supposed to ever say no to you?” It’s a rhetorical question, Alyssa knows. She she just kisses Nic again instead of bothering to answer.

”One more thing,” Alyssa says, a little sheepishly. “My mom knows we’re sleeping together.”

”What the fuck? Why does she know this?”

”She asked?” Alyssa shrugs. “She wanted to know if you could just stay in my room with me because she said she wasn’t going to clean the guest room out for you. So I told her.”

Nic buries her head in Alyssa’s shoulder. “This is so embarrassing,” she grumbles. They’re grown, it shouldn’t be, but it still is.

”Well it’s a good thing we are. She wasn’t going to let you come if she had to move her sewing stuff. And, I mean, we are,” she says sliding her hand underneath her girlfriend, “so...”


	30. The Land of Steady Habits

“What in the world does that mean?” Nic asks pointing out the window to the **Welcome to Connecticut **sign as the Naeher family leaves the airport. 

“Ah, the Land of Steady Habits,” John muses. “It comes from the strong moral character of the early settlers to the area.”

”Puritans.” Nic says.

”Yes, exactly,” John sounds surprised. “It was a very conservative colony, socially and politically.”

”And very religious,” Nic adds. There’s almost an edge to her voice that she’s trying to hide.

John nods in the front seat. “Still pretty religious. All of our kids went to a Christian school. And our divorce rate is about half of the national average. So while the phrase was coined hundreds of years ago, it still fits this place pretty well.” 

Seems like the phrase does a good job of explaining Alyssa, too. Steady. Calm. Quiet. Strong morals. Set in her ways. Nic is quiet, looking out the window as they head down the highway on their almost hour-long drive to the Naeher home. After a few miles, Alyssa slips her hand into Nic’s and squeezes it reassuringly. “Are you ok?” she asks in a hushed tone. 

Nic nods and gives her a weak smile. “Just thinking about how perfect this place could be for a Forest Kindergarten. So many trees. The river. It’s amazing.” She goes back to looking out the window, and Alyssa can’t tell if Nic’s deep in thought because she’s troubled about something or because the gears are turning as she already plans another location.

Once they’ve arrived in Seymour and hauled all their luggage in, Donna announces that she’s going to get started on dinner so they can have a nice home cooked meal after a long day of travel. Nic immediately jumps up offering help in the kitchen, which Donna tries to decline. “You’re a guest, and I’m sure you’re tired. I’ve got it.”

”Mom,” Alyssa cuts in, “she’s not going to take no for an answer. Trust me.”

”Well can you make meatballs then?” Donna asks, quite honestly relieved to have some help in the kitchen. 

Nic nods enthusiastically and washes up. Alyssa, Amanda, and Abby’s husband head outside with John to take a look at what all they have to do over the next couple of days. 

As she’s working, Nic notices a pair of framed photos on the wall - Alyssa holding a toddler, and another of Alyssa lying in bed next to what could be the same child, reading a bedtime story. “Who’s that?”

”Oh,” Donna says, sadness creeping into her voice. “That’s Alyssa’s cousin. She passed away. Genetic disorder. They were close.”

”Incredibly close,” Abby chimes in from the breakfast room. “It’s why she has the _persevere_ tattoo.” 

“Oh...” Nic trails off quietly, regretting that she had unknowingly brought up such a sad topic.

”I mean, you’ve seen it, right?” Abby asks, confused that Nic doesn’t seem to know the story.

”Well, yeah,” Nic blushes. “I never asked her about it. Figured that if it meant something, she’d tell me when she was ready.”

”Oh. Well, I don’t think she’d mind you knowing,” Abby shrugs. 

“Knowing what?” Alyssa asks as she comes inside.

”About Naomi. Sorry. We told her,” Abby says quietly. 

Alyssa turns and looks at the pictures on the wall in the breakfast room, letting out a deep sigh, trying to let go of the pain she still feels around this time of year, that coincides with every Olympics, every World Cup. “I miss her.” She swallows hard. “But she’s my strength.”

A quiet falls over the family as they finish dinner, wash up, set the table, and sit down to eat. They say grace. Alyssa feels Nic’s hand tense in hers. Maybe it’s her imagination. Maybe it’s a coincidence. But twice today religion has come up and twice Alyssa has noticed a change in her girlfriend. 

After dinner, Alyssa pulls Nic onto the back porch, insisting that the extent of her helping clean up involves her taking her plate and glass to the sink, nothing more. Donna seconds that. Outside, in the cool evening air, Alyssa wraps Nic into a long hug from behind as they watch the sun set over the lake. “What’s bothering you, baby?” she mumbles into the top of Nic’s head.   
  
“Nothing.” Nic’s voice is muffled into Alyssa’s forearms. “You’re family’s so great,” she says, changing the subject. “You’re really lucky to have them.” 

The evening finishes with coffee, a game of Gin Rummy, and Nic sharing how she lost both of her parents - separately, to breast cancer and Parkinson’s - a few years ago, which in a strange and positive twist, gave her the freedom and motivation to move all over and start up her program. There’s also a lot of laughter, as Nic tells stories of traveling with her parents, who wanted to provide experiences more than things, and the lengths they went to trying to ensure that she and her brother both believed in Santa and the Easter Bunny for as long as possible. Nic seems so thankful for the time she got with them, even if it was cut short, and Alyssa can’t help but admire her as she talks. Her outlook on life, and death, is both unique and oddly upbeat. 

It all makes Alyssa feel better about bringing Nic home with her. She’s always been one to look to the future, even if it’s a mistake because looking to the future often causes her to worry. But she can’t help but think about what a good mom Nic is bound to be, with both her perspective on how children learn and the warmth her parents clearly raised her with. And Alyssa loves how easily Nic is fitting into her family. She can’t help but envision a future, where they’re all together, and Nic has a chance to spend time with a big family for the holidays again.

* * *

Nic slips on one of Alyssa’s t-shirts and a pair of her shorts and they climb into bed together. “I’m sorry about your cousin,” Nic says quietly. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

”It’s ok. You didn’t know.” Alyssa reassuringly strokes Nic’s cheek. “I know God has plans for all of us, and a purpose for why He takes us when He does, but I just wish He didn’t take her so soon.” She decides to open up again, more this time, and talk about Naomi. All the things they did together. All the time they spent together, crafting, reading, shopping. And all the time they didn’t get to spend together because Alyssa was always off playing soccer somewhere. 

Alyssa didn’t know what the sacrifices she would have to make entailed when she embarked on the journey to play for the National Team.The countless hours training, the injuries, even the time away from home -all that  she understood even at a young a age. But missed birthdays were one thing; missing her nephew’s birth, almost missing her grandfather’s funeral, not getting to spend enough time with her special little buddy - those were quite another. She couldn’t get the time back. She couldn’t get the people or the relationships back.  And this woman laying across from her? She was about to give her up after dinner that first night, and again a few days later when she thought that she just couldn’t do it. Every regret and near regret in her life has been because of a game. It all weighs so heavily on her heart and her mind, like a foot pressing down on her chest making it hard to breathe, but providing just enough relief that she can still breathe. All it means though is that she’s stuck in this torturous loop. 

“Sometimes,” Alyssa says quietly, “I wish I didn’t have to do this. And I hate that I think that. Because I have a good life thanks to soccer. No,” she corrects herself, “I have a ridiculously amazing life by most people’s standards. But sometimes soccer makes me wish I could just run and run to the edge of the earth and never look back.No one could find me.”

”Take me with you?” Nic murmurs holding Alyssa tightly, wishing she could transfer some of Alyssa’s pain to herself, to lighten the load.

”Of course,” Alyssa whispers. “You and my family. You’re the only ones who keep me sane in this madness.” She leans back to look at her girlfriend, getting lost in her eyes for what seems like the hundredth time.  
  
“I wish I could protect you from all the hurt in the world, baby.” Nic goes to pull her back in closer to hold her because she doesn’t know what else to do.

But Alyssa has other ideas.She pulls Nic’s lips in with her own. Hard. They kiss hungrily. Nic’s hand slowly slips down, tickling Alyssa’s side before settling on her waist. Eventually her fingertips make their way under Alyssa’s shirt, first stroking her back and then moving around the front. But Nic is respectful and doesn’t make another move. Alyssa wishes she would. Before she knows it, the words “I want you” escape from Alyssa’s lips breathily.

Nic shakes her head slowly and takes a deep breath. “I want you, too. But we should sleep. Your dad says we have to be up early tomorrow.”

It surprises Alyssa. Worries her. Makes her think back to earlier in the day when Nic seemed not herself. Her brow furrows. She starts to say something, starts to ask, but without another word, Nic presses a final, chaste kiss onto Alyssa’s heart, over her shirt, and snuggles into her, closing her eyes. It seems pretty definitive to Alyssa, that Nic doesn’t want to do anything. Or talk about anything else. So she lets it go and tries to sleep.

* * *

Alyssa wasn’t kidding about them being put to work. The day starts at sunrise with eggs, bacon, bagels and cream cheese, and coffee. It continues with jetting water and silt out of the lake bottom to set pilings in concrete, which involves the arduous task of lugging pilings, bags of Quikcrete, and heavy duty PVC from the driveway to the lake. By the time they break for a lunch of leftover meatball hoagies, neither wants to admit it, but they could both use a nap. After lunch involves lugging 2x4s, a lot of holding and hammering and sealing and sweating in the July midday heat. And an accidental dip into the lake for Nic. Which maybe resulted in her pulling Alyssa in with her, because it’s always more fun to do things together, even when that thing is falling into cold and muddy water. But, with 6 pairs of more-than-capable hands, they’re able to rebuild the dock in one day.

Dirty, sweaty, and exhausted, they traipse inside to shower. Alyssa insists that Nic shower first, but she has an ulterior motive. She waits a few minutes, enough time for Nic to finish washing her hair, and then pulls back the curtain and joins her.   
  
“Babe, what are you _doing_?” Nic sounds genuinely horrified as she wipes the water from her eyes. 

”Cold,” Alyssa mutters, pressing into Nic for a share of the hot water cascading down from the shower head. 

Nic pulls Alyssa into her space, and wraps her up, but repeats what she had asked, and adds to it. “We can’t do this. You’re parents are.... religious.”

Alyssa pulls back away from her with a confused look. “I’m religious.”

”Yeah, so I’m learning,” Nic replies. 

”What is that supposed to mean?” Alyssa asks. 

”Nothing. I just didn’t know, that’s all. Just seems like we shouldn’t be doing this if they’re so...”

”Is it a problem? That I’m Christian?”

”No!” Nic rushes to say. “Not at all. Totally your choice.”

”Well then?”

”It’s just that God wouldn’t want-”

”Us to shower together? Have sex? Be together?” Alyssa asks, with a bit of a smirk unbothered, having reconciled her religious beliefs and her sexual orientation years ago. In fact, that was far more unproblematic to her than coming out to her parents. 

”Well, yeah. Basically.”

”Babe. I think your perception of religion and God is different than mine,” Alyssa leans forward to kiss Nic’s forehead. “God clearly knows what we’ve been doing, and I’m good with that. My parents know. We’re both quiet. But if you’re truly worried...” She reaches past Nic for the shampoo and begins washing her own hair, stepping back from Nic.

For the first time, Nic gets a full view of Alyssa’s naked body, dripping wet, as she lathers her hair up, eyes closed to avoid getting shampoo in them. 

”Trade,” she says after a minute, and they’re unable to avoid their bodies rubbing against each other as they pass.   
  
“Fuck,” Nic chokes out.

Alyssa laughs without opening her eyes. “Promise me we can have this religion conversation later and I’ll let you finish helping me shower.” 

”Promise!” Nic almost sounds like she’s begging with that one word, as she grabs the body wash and squirts a generous amount on her hands, rubbing them together briefly to warm the gel up before sliding her hands over Alyssa’s shoulders. And then her arms, for too long, causing Alyssa to laugh because she _knows_, knows her girlfriend cannot get over her arms. And it’s cute, honestly, that her arms are Nic’s favorite body part. Nic shrugs without shame, before moving on and eventually finishing, after ensuring that every single inch of Alyssa’s body is clean. Twice.

* * *


	31. Take Me To Church

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey," her tone changes, "I've never feel like I'm sinning with you," she says earnestly.

“Hey,” Alyssa’s voice is scratchy from sleep. It’s still dark outside, but her girlfriend is awake. “How long have you been up?”

”I don’t know. A while,” Nic admits. 

“What’s wrong?” Alyssa asks, concerned. She snuggles closer, stealing warmth from Nic's bare skin.

”Can’t sleep.”

”I kinda got that. Talk to me, baby. Tell me why.”

”It’s fine,” Nic tries to assure her. “We’re fine.“

Alyssa doesn’t buy it. She doesn’t mean to test her girlfriend, but she needs to know if what she _thinks_ is bothering Nic _actually_ is bothering Nic. “Go to church with me in a little while?” she asks hesitantly. It’s right then that she knows she’s absolutely right - the almost imperceptible clench of the jaw, that most people would have missed in the gray-pink light bleeding in through the curtains. It's in the way Nic's body freezes, and in the way that she stops breathing for long enough that when she finally dose inhale again, her chest rises and falls heavily, like her lungs were burning for oxygen. 

”Sure. If you want me to,” Nic says quietly. Her eyes meet Alyssa’s. They look sad, or worried maybe. Alyssa realizes she can't tell which, and it bothers her, to not be able to read her girlfriend. It's one of the things that has put her so at ease recently - Nic is always so easy to read, like an open book.

”I only want you to if _you_ want to,” Alyssa says in return. 

Nic sighs. She doesn’t want to do this back and forth. “Lyss, it’s important to you. Of course I want to be there for you, for things that matter to you. It’s just...” she trails off. Alyssa lets her have the moment she needs to compose her thoughts. It’s one of her strengths - she’s not uncomfortable with silence, doesn’t feel the need to fill it. She lets Nic take her time until she’s ready to explain what she’s thinking. "I just don't understand wanting to go somewhere where the fundamental ideology supports an agenda that's against you. Against us."

"Why do you think that my church is against us?" Nic doesn't answer, and this time, Alyssa doesn't give her the time to formulate a response. "My church isn't like that. But I don't want you to feel like you have to come." She can't hide her disappointment. "I want you to come, because I want you to see that religion can be about love and acceptance, but I don't want you to be uncomfortable." 

The truth is, Nic does feel obligated to go, because she knows, now, how important it is to Alyssa. That's become painfully obvious to her in such a short time. And Nic knows better than most what it feels like to have an unsupportive partner. "I haven't gone since I was a child, but... take me to church," she says, trying to sound lighthearted. And then more seriously, "I want to support you. If I can. I can try, at least."

Alyssa tries to brighten the mood. "Will you support me and do some yoga with me right now?" Alyssa asks, stretching and changing the subject. She's tight and sore from yesterday.

"No. Absolutely not. But... I can get behind _watching_ you do some yoga." Nic winks, reaching around and giving Alyssa's butt a quick squeeze. 

"Maybe later," Alyssa chuckles. "How about coffee?"

"Now you have 100% of my support!"

* * *

Alyssa's family takes up almost an entire pew in the small church. Nic is flanked by her girlfriend on one side and Amanda on the other. As the room fills, Nic's knee is bobbing up and down uncontrollably. Amanda presses her hand down hard to stop it, and glares over Nic's shoulder at her sister for making Nic come. "Hey," she leans over, "if you need to get out of here, just give me a signal and I'll go with you. She shouldn't have made you come."

"She didn't," Nic assures her. But it's clear that Nic has some serious anxiety when it comes to religion.

As the Reverend begins his sermon, Nic starts wringing her hands, not even listening to the words. Alyssa reaches over and covers her hand with her own. Nic tries to pry it free. They're in church, and Alyssa's mom is right there. This isn't the place. But Alyssa just holds tighter. “Forget where you are. Close your eyes and just listen to the words,” Alyssa encourages her.

She watches Nic do as she asks. It’s not the typical love the sinner, hate the sin sermon. The Reverend talks about God's love for every human being, regardless of gender, class, ethnicity, or sexual orientation. He talks about the true message Jesus was spreading being one of love and acceptance, kindness and caring for those in need. Nic's eyes open. Her face eases up. Her hand relaxes under Alyssa's. She listens.

* * *

They don't talk about it after church. They go to brunch with Alyssa's family, and home to lie around for a few hours, watching some home movies from when the Naeher sisters were younger. Alyssa's sitting on the floor with her back against the couch and Nic's lying in her lap, but she keeps looking up at Alyssa, shocked by how much she's changed since she was a kid. In the home movies, she's standing on the Naeher's hearth, singing her heart out at Christmas, loud and off-key. And there are moments of her dancing, and _lots_ of clips of Donna trying to film Abby as a baby, and Alyssa's trying to get the camera turned to her with a constant stream of "Look at me," and "Mama, I can do it!" She was so happy, always craving attention. So different from how she is now, reserved and hiding inside her shell so much of the time.

After, they take the boat out on the lake, and John gives Nic a tour of the area. She sits back against Alyssa on the bench seat, and they take a moment to appreciate the warm afternoon sun on their faces and the wind in their hair, and Alyssa forgets, just for a little while, what's about to come. They come back to the dock and tie off as the sun is starting to lower in the sky, casting long shadows. John fires up the grill, and Donna steps inside to prepare sides. Nic tries to join her, but Alyssa pulls her back. "I have two sisters. They've got it. Please. Talk to me."

"Then you go in and cook with them. Or hang out with your dad. Something. This is your family time," Nic argues. "Besides, I don't know what we have to talk about." But she lets Alyssa drag her back to the dock anyway.

They sit there, legs dangling, watching the sun set, smelling the fresh cut wood, feeling the breeze as it cools their skin and brings ripples to the otherwise glassy lake. It's a moment of peace and normalcy, with the woman Alyssa's falling in love with, with her family nearby, and it could be what her life outside of soccer holds. "How was church today?"

Nic lets out a long, controlled breath. "It was fine. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, I guess."

"But are you just saying that?" Alyssa wants to know.

"No. I mean, it was one service, but I didn't hear anything in it that made me feel unwelcome. I figure that guy was probably talking about immigrants, but his message could apply to anyone, too. To us." Nic leans on Alyssa's shoulder. "Do you go to church in Utah? Because that Sunday, we went hiking and you didn't go. We were together all day."

"Some weeks I do, some I don't. I'm... well, religious... about it when I'm home. I found a church in Salt Lake. It's pretty good. But I don't feel tied to it. And I can pray from home."

"See that's what I don't get. Why people ever feel the need to go inside a church to be religious. To me, it's about being a good human, like the guy said today, loving each other, taking care of those who need it. You don't need a building to do that. And if you believe in God, I just don't see why you can't talk to him from home. Or from the forest. Or from right here, for that matter."

"Well you can, I guess," Alyssa admits. "Sometimes it's nice to have the community though." Alyssa shrugs. "Why do you have such a bad relationship with the church?" she asks. "Do you really not believe in God?"

"I don't know what I believe. I know I stopped going to church when I was in grade school because it interfered with sports. But I-" she hesitates and starts to get a little choked up. Nic looks down and runs her hands through her hair in frustration before continuing. "My ex and I discussed marriage. And kids. And she wasn't religious at all, like she never talked about God and she never went to church, but her family? They were like these fake religious people. Not good people, but all on their high horse about what the Bible says, when it was convenient to them. So she said she wouldn't marry me, because the Catholic church wouldn't allow it. And she said we could have kids, but they'd have to be baptized in the Catholic church because that's what her parents would expect, even though I would be erased from that whole ceremony because they couldn't have two moms. So, it's just, mmm, hard to walk into a church." She looks off into the distance and sighs. "I wanted to be married. I wanted to have kids. They're like, they're deal-breakers to me. I wanted... I still want those things. I want a normal life. I want all the things that straight couples have."

Alyssa finally gets it, why her girlfriend has been so tense since she got to Connecticut. Sure, Nic's last relationship ended because she moved, but she also moved because she knew her future didn't include the things that were so very important to her. And now, she's been thinking for the last two days that this new relationship is going to be the same as the old. She's probably been thinking of ways to end it before she gets hurt again, before she falls in love and finds out that she's been with someone who was never going to marry her. And it's probably even scarier for her this time around, because she's seeing that Alyssa and her entire family are _actually_ religious, not just religious when it's convenient. She's been distancing herself a little bit, but not too much because Alyssa's about to leave and she probably doesn't want her worried when she's supposed to be focused on soccer. But she's going to run, Alyssa's sure of that, when the Olympics are over.

"I'm not Catholic," Alyssa says slowly. "It's not the same. I go to a church with a gay minister. And yes, I believe in God, but I also believe God wants me to fall in love, and marry the person I love, and spend the rest of my life with the person I love. And I believe God wants me to bring kids into the world with the person I love and baptize those kids. Together. I 100% believe my parents want the same thing for me."

"I don't get how you can be religious and sin. And be ok with it," Nic mutters.

Just then, they hear Donna making her way down to the dock, calling them to dinner. Nic starts to get up.

Alyssa pulls her back down and grabs her by the jaw so she's forced to make eye contact. "Listen to me, baby, please. I want those things, too. I want to get married, I want to have kids. Someone not wanting those things would be a deal-breaker for me, too, ok? I get it."

"Yeah," is all Nic manages to say, and she leaves Alyssa wondering if what Alyssa said is enough. Because she can't exactly go on and on about marrying Nic and having babies with Nic. Not right now. But she needs Nic to know, because she needs Nic to stay. Alyssa finally lets her go and they get up and walk towards the house, but Alyssa won't let go of her hand. She holds it, almost the entire rest of the evening, because deep down, she fears what will happen if she lets go. And she knows how illogical that is, knows that Nic wouldn't just walk away right then, but she also feels that it's symbolic.

* * *

Alyssa's already lying in bed when Nic gets out of the shower. It's their last night together before they both fly out, to different airports, in the morning. Nic slides under the covers and stays on her side of the bed again. "Nope," Alyssa say, rolling over and tugging Nic towards her, "I'm not letting you do this."

"Do what?" Nic asks, confused.

"Pull away from me because you're scared. I'm scared. And I totally get why you're scared now, but-"

"Why am I scared?" Nic interrupts, genuinely wanting to know.

"You left her because she wouldn't move, but you didn't really want her to move. Or maybe you did, maybe you thought if she got away from her family, she'd be all the things you wanted. But you ended that relationship because it wasn't right for you. And you got hurt in the process. And now you think you're just going to get out of this one before that happens again. Before you let yourself get to the point where I could hurt you. Before you find out I'm too religious for you."

Nic stays quiet.

"We can be scared," Alyssa continues, "but not about this. My religious beliefs aren't going to hurt you. And you don't have to believe what I believe. We can make it work." She leans over, draping her naked body over Nic's, and smiles as she watches Nic's eyes go wide in surprise when she realizes Alyssa didn't put any clothes on after her shower. Alyssa kisses Nic softly, as she runs her hand down Alyssa's back. "I'm not going to let you go that easy," Alyssa whispers between kisses. "And I'm not going to break your heart. So you don't get to break mine either." Alyssa pushes up Nic's shirt, her USWNT shirt really, exposing her abs. She trails her fingers across them and along the underside of Nic's breasts as she continues kissing her lightly. "This is my childhood bed, you know," Alyssa wriggles her eyebrows. "No one's ever had me in this bed."

"We should probably keep it that way," Nic says regretfully.

"This is my last night with you," Alyssa reminds her. "It's going to be over a month until you get me naked again," she says with an almost-irresistible grin. But then she sees how serious Nic's eyes are. "Hey," her tone changes, "I've never feel like I'm sinning with you," she says earnestly.

That seems to do the trick. 

Nic props herself up on her elbows so she can kiss Alyssa and Alyssa reciprocates, relieved. She works Nic's shirt over her head and ducks down to take a pointed nipple into her mouth. Nic groans, but then flips Alyssa onto her back. "Hey," she smiles, "I was just getting started. What are you... Ooohhh," Alyssa moans and Nic slips her hand between Alyssa's legs. 

"You said no one's ever-" and before Nic can finish her sentence, Alyssa has pulled her into another kiss. Nic slides her fingers in easily and the sudden sensation causes Alyssa to bite down on Nic's lip. Alyssa's loud, louder than normal at least, and Nic finds herself covering Alyssa's mouth with her own to drown out her cries as she comes. And then tosses a pillow at Alyssa and kisses her way down between Alyssa's legs, letting her tongue take over the work. Alyssa covers her face, moaning into the pillow as Nic brings her to orgasm again and again. She stays between Alyssa's legs for so long her jaw hurts and Alyssa can't hold her own legs up and they have to go get clean sheets from the linen closet to change the bed.

They fall asleep in each other's arms, way after midnight, even though they have to get up early, but they fall asleep with the promise that neither one of them is going to get scared and run, no matter how hard being apart is, and no matter how scary their differing views are.

* * *

In the morning light, the two women lie on their sides, facing each other, in complete silence. Alyssa can't take her eyes off Nic. Or her hands. She traces every since centimeter of Nic's face with her fingertips, trying to memorize it, afraid she's going to forget some little detail - a dimple, a crease, a freckle. When she's finally satisfied that she's committed every bit of Nic's face to memory, she traces the dip in her neck, across her collarbone, down her arm, along the sharp point of her hip. And then she kisses Nic's lips like she's going to forget those too, forget what they taste like, forget how soft they are. She could spend all morning relearning her girlfriend's entire body so that the image is there for her to readily retrieve when she's in Tokyo.

Nic seems more like herself this morning, back to being easy-going and happy. She has her eyes closed as Alyssa touches her, but the corners of her mouth are curved up in a smile. Her breathing is easy, her body relaxed, and she leans in, ever so slightly, to Alyssa's touch. When she feels Alyssa's hand still, she opens her eyes and grins, before rolling off the bed without a word. She digs around in her bag and then slides back under the covers. "I was going to see if you wanted this, back in California, but then you changed my flight," she says shyly. 

It's a pocket vibrator, not much bigger than a tube of lipstick. 

"In case you miss me while you're over there," Nic explains. "I figured it's small enough that you can hide it. And it's super quiet, but you could always use it in the shower if you're worried, because it's waterproof. Do you wanna..."

Alyssa shakes her head. She's never used any kind of toy in her relationships. It feels... strange to her.

"Ok, no worries," Nic says easily, turning to go put it back in her bag.

But Alyssa grabs her wrist before she can get off the bed. "Wait." She pauses, thinking about it, and then continues, "Show me how quiet it is."

Nic rolls onto her back and grins, raising her eyebrows at Alyssa as Alyssa props herself up so she can watch. Nic closes her eyes and presses the vibrator against her clit.

"It is quiet," Alyssa chokes out after a minute, not knowing what else to say because watching Nic is turning her on. She watches her girlfriend press her hips into the bed and reach out with her free hand to grip Alyssa's forearm, watches the blush creeping across her chest, watches her lips press together tightly so no sounds can escape. "Is it... good?"

"Not as good as you," comes a labored response, and Nic tosses the vibrator on the bed, pulling Alyssa down towards her. "I want you." As soon as Alyssa's tongue replaces the vibrator, Nic's all but done. She digs her fingers into Alyssa's scalp, holding her head in place, knowing that she can't tolerate any teasing touches or swipes of the tongue right now. Alyssa licks hard and fast, her tongue firm until Nic is so sensitive that she has to push Alyssa's face away as she comes. Alyssa reaches out, feeling the sheets with her hand until she finds the vibe. She softly kisses her way up Nic's inner thigh, and then slides the vibrator inside her girlfriend. A little high pitched sound escapes Nic's lips. She wet and slippery and it takes Alyssa a second to get the right angle, holding the vibe with one hand and holding herself up with the other, but her tongue finds Nic's clit, and she gently sucks on it, kisses it, runs circles around it with her tongue, until Nic's begging her for more. She doesn't stop until Nic's legs fall apart, quivering. Nic drags Alyssa back up onto her chest.

"I think maybe I'll take it to Japan," Alyssa mumbles into her sweaty skin. "But um, you should get another one for yourself."

"Still won't replace you," Nic says sincerely.

"Yeah, but maybe we could... you know... at the same time. Sometimes we get rooms to ourselves and..." she trails off so she can kiss Nic again, because they have to leave soon, she's running out of time, and she doesn't want to spend it talking.


	32. Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A ball goes through.  
The team makes it through to knockouts.  
And Alyssa and Sonnett get through to each other.
> 
> Welcome to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, because COVID-19 doesn't exist in this world.

Turns out, the airport is a lonely place. It doesn’t take Alyssa long to decide that, slumped in the uncomfortable airport chair, and she kind of chuckles at herself at the realization. She’s been flying all over the place for a decade, totally unbothered by airports because most of the time, no one talks to you, and that has always suited her just fine. Sure, the airport can be a happy place – at arrivals – but you don’t _stay_ at arrivals. You see your loved one and then you _leave _and you’re happy elsewhere. The rest of the airport? Well it all sucks. It sucks with an oat milk latte. It sucks with a crossword. It sucks with airpods and the soundtrack to Frozen 2. It just sucks. It sucks so much that she would take Sonnett’s loudly annoying laugh as she tries to make Lindsey giggle, or Rose’s loudly annoying whine because no one will go get coffee with her… again, or Kelley’s loudly annoying… self… over this right now, because loudly annoying teammates are at least distracting.

Her parents drove them to the airport so they could catch their respective flights. Nic’s was earlier. That drive between the Naeher home and the airport, that seemed so far just a couple days ago, went too quickly this time. She left, with a hug that didn’t linger, but without a kiss. And without an “I love you.” Maybe that’s why right now seems extra empty.

So now, Alyssa knows what lonely feels like. All the sex, all the hand holding, the extra couple of days… none of it is enough to fill the void that’s here now. Which is fucking stupid, Alyssa keeps telling herself, because she was so fine for so long alone. 

Alone. 

Alone fucking sucks.

The ding in her ear interrupts Idina Menzel singing “Into the Unknown,” and her annoyance dissipates as soon as she sees who it is. Thank God for wifi on airplanes.

**Nic**: _Thanks for that impromptu photo shoot this morning. Even if you didn’t want me to. Gives me something to look at. This one’s my fave. _

She sends Alyssa a picture. Alyssa’s lying there on her side arm tucked underneath her, hair falling down around her shoulders, sleepy smile on her face. She’s looking past the camera at her girlfriend.

Alyssa blushes. They were tasteful. She was completely covered in all of them. Just a little skin on her shoulders exposed. None of _those things_ make her hate the idea of photos any less. In that moment, she was about to tell Nic to stop, to put her phone down. But she didn’t, and now she’s glad she listened to what her gut was telling her. Because it’s the thought of _Nic smiling_ at that photo makes her smile. 

**Alyssa**: _Lighting was good. _

**Nic**: _It has nothing to do with the lighting. You’re so fucking adorable._

Alyssa’s smile widens.

**Alyssa**: _I like this one._

She sends a photo that Amanda had been able to sneak at some point. Nic’s grabbed Alyssa’s chin and is kissing Alyssa’s cheek and Alyssa’s arm is over her shoulder and she is laughing so much her eyes are closed and her head is thrown back. The picture captures how full of joy she was in that moment. 

**Nic**: _You’re so happy in that one._

**Alyssa**: _You make me that happy._

**Nic**: _Hey, so be nice to Kelley while you’re over there._

**Alyssa**: _I’m always nice to Kelley._

_Well I tolerate her, which is the same._

**Nic**: _Tell her I said thank you for you._

**Alyssa**: _I’m gonna miss you._

**Nic**: _Nah. You’ll see me in no time. Missing is for people you won’t see again._

_Call me when you get settled tonight._

**Alyssa**: _Before we have a 15 hour time difference to deal with._

**Nic**: _Time zones are a man-made construct. Totally irrelevant. I already told you I don’t care what time you call or text. Don’t even try to calculate it. Just pick up the phone._

* * *

Their adjustment period with Alyssa in Japan is more tolerable. It’s filled with training sessions, but less intense – finally. Lots of film, lots of meetings. But there’s plenty of time for crosswords, and more importantly, Alyssa can text Nic when she wakes up and then FaceTime after their first session of the day, and it’s not too late at night back in Utah. Besides, she’s cute in bed, all soft and cuddly looking. Alyssa’s taken a liking to FaceTime. Teasing is in order every time someone catches her out in the hall on her phone because she swore she’d never use it. But it’s worth it.

They’re in Sapporo for the first two games, about as far away from Tokyo as you can get, so they’re not staying in the athletes’ village, and they miss the opening ceremonies because soccer starts before the Games start. There’s a little bit of a sad vibe, for those who are there for the first time and feel like they’re missing out on the Olympic experience, and for those realizing it’s going to be their last time at a Games. But they’re there to do a job, and they do it well – at first. There’s a 6-0 thrashing of Zambia, where Lindsey has a hat trick, Rose adds two, and Christen caps the scoring off. There’s a close call against Sweden – a 2-1 win. That ball served in between Becky and Abby was perfect, leaving Alyssa helpless. Christen ties it up 2 minutes later, and Rose puts the game to bed at the start of the second half, but Alyssa doesn’t have time to even breathe. Kelley gets taken out at the ankle in the 65th minute, and it’s not bad – she walks off under her own power – but it’s the _same_ ankle. The same ankle that was bothering her during their season. The same ankle that always bothers her. They have 12 days until the final. Alyssa’s about to have to spend a lot more time with Sonnett.

It’s not that Sonnett can’t handle it. She’s had an incredible year, getting more minutes so Kelley could rest, but also because she deserves them. But she’s not Kelley. She has the fire and the tenacity, but it’s different. It’s risky. Well, Kelley is risky, but Sonnett seems riskier. And this is a big fucking stage.

She forces herself to sit across the aisle from Sonnett on the flight to Miyagi, not wanting to kick Lindsey out of her spot, but still wanting to be able to check in with her right back. It's a pretty pointless attempt at conversation. Every time Alyssa tries to talk to Sonnett, Kelley, who's sitting directly behind her replacement, is jumping in, jumping up, squeezing Sonnett's shoulders or patting her on the head, and telling anyone who is within earshot that Sonny is going to kick some Aussie ass. Lindsey rolls her eyes and squeezes Sonnett's hand tighter. Sonnett, for her part, looks a little bit queasy, like she never thought she'd start in an Olympic game that actually _mattered_, and Alyssa thinks that Kelley's method is not the best way to get the 26-year-old ready for the game.

* * *

Australia should have been easier. Easier than Sweden, at least. But the thing is, Australia is never easy. It’s the way they get up for the game, or maybe the way so many of them have played alongside their American counterparts for years. The way that they’ve had solid performances against the best team in the world and now they _believe_ they can win.

Christen scores in the 7th minute – her third goal in three games, and Alyssa feels a rush of relief. It’s fine. Sonnett is fine. They’re fine. Everything’s fine. And then it’s not. 

It starts as a careless giveaway in their offensive third. Alyssa doesn’t even know who it is, really. It may have been Carli, but her focus is on Sonnett. Sonnett, who’s pushed up so high she’s almost at the corner flag. Van Egmond wins the ball and sets Hayley free down the flank. And Hayley’s fucking fast. Becky is hauling, trying to get outside, trying to cover for Sonnett, who for all her speed, and she _turns on_ the jets, has no chance to make it back. Becky's a step late. Hayley plays a ball in across the mouth of the goal, and it’s there. It’s right there in Alyssa’s hands as she comes off the line to pick off the cross, easily out-jumping Cait who has cut in towards the ball. And then it’s not. It sails right through her hands, right on to Sam Kerr’s magical head crashing through in between Abby and Crystal. The ball slams into the back of the net and the sound it makes is deafening. That painful swish is the only thing Alyssa can hear in a stadium with thousands of screaming fans. Alyssa drops into a squat, careful not to let her head fall into her hands like she wants, because everyone’s eyes are on her body language. JJ pats her on the back, grabs the ball out of the back of the net, tells her they have plenty of time.

The Matildas pack the box for the final 23 minutes. A tie gives them top of the group on goal differential. Chance after chance is squandered or deflected by Lydia, and all Alyssa can do is watch helplessly. Just like four years ago, they can't break through that bunker defense.

No one blames her. They tell her as much after the game, wandering around the field. And the thing is, Alyssa knows they mean it. This team doesn’t pass out compliments that aren’t earned, and doesn’t play the “it’s ok” game when it’s not. They face the mistakes they’ve made, they hold each other accountable, and this goal had a lot of moving parts to it. The giveaway, the too-high press, the perfect through ball, Sam’s killer goal. And Alyssa makes sure Sam knows it. Sam seeks her out as soon as the whistle blows, gives her former teammate a big hug, even apologizes when she sees the look on Alyssa’s face. But it was a good goal, that, and Alyssa tells her.

Her teammates leave her alone in the locker room, and on the bus, and she’s thankful for that. Back in their room, Becky promises her that it’s going to be ok, reminds her that this team has never backed down from a challenge, repeats the mantra about wanting to go through the best teams in the world to win each tournament. They need to win six games; it doesn’t matter who they play. But as smart as Becky is, she can’t know that it’s going to be ok. They were on track to face Canada. Great Britain is a much bigger obstacle. 

It’s after midnight. She needs to call Nic and go to bed. Her girlfriend has been waking up at 4 am to watch her play when it’s primetime in Japan. Alyssa should have called her by now. Instead, she calls up to Poole's room, changes out of her Team USA sweats and back into training gear, grabs gloves, and heads down to the fitness center. She makes him hammer balls at her for over an hour, a bare concrete wall behind her if she lets one through now, instead of a net. She doesn’t let one through her hands. Not when she tells him through clenched teeth to kick it harder. Not when he argues that he might break her hand if he puts anymore pace on the ball. Not when he finally gets her to agree that if she cleanly catches his next ten balls, that he promises he’ll dropkick to her as hard as he can, she has to stop. It’s a fine line, balancing the mental health and physical needs of an athlete with this kind of mentality. 

She doesn’t drop one. But she dropped that fucking cross that wasn’t half as hard.

She makes her way back upstairs, tries to sneak into the shower as quietly as possible, then grabs her phone and manages to find the ice bucket. She steps out into the hall, clicking her phone open. There are messages from her sisters and her parents that she swipes away because she can’t handle anymore of the “it’s not your fault,” nonsense when it is her fault. There's one from Steph which she considers opening, because it's probably funny. But there’s actually a text from Nic and that one is more important right now. She didn't think there'd be one; Nic made it clear that she wasn't going to initiate any calls or texts while Alyssa's in Japan, not wanting to bother her. She considers for a moment not opening it, afraid it’s just going to be a bunch of platitudes.

It’s not.

**Nic**: Be brave. If the decision-making was spot on (and my non-soccer expert self thinks it was), then you make that same decision. Every. Single. Time. And pay no mind to what happened this one time. Because this time is over now. So just be brave. Always.

Alyssa sinks back against the wall. The training staff is going to be pissed at her when they see her sleep stats, but really, it's very unlikely that they'll say anything to her knowing how she reacted to the tie. She'll call her girlfriend while she's icing her hands, 2 am be damned. She can sleep on the plane or when they get to the athletes' village.

She rounds the corner, looking for the ice machine, only to find Sonnett sitting on the floor between Lindsey and Kelley. They seem to be trying to console her; it looks like they're doing a shitty job. "Hey," Alyssa squats down in front of Sonnett, not looking at the other two. "Wanna sit with me while I ice?" Sonnett nods without looking up. "Yeah? Cool," Alyssa turns to Kelley. "You guys go to bed. I got this." Kelley looks like she's about to protest, but she swallows her words and peels Lindsey away. Alyssa sinks one hand into the frigid bucket and wraps her other arm around Sonnett's shoulder, pulling Sonnett in until she's leaning against Alyssa. The tightness in her body is so noticeable. "How's it going with Lindsey?" she asks, because she can't think of anything else to say that Lindsey and Kelley probably haven't, and she really wants to get through to Sonnett, _needs_ to get through to her.

That seems to knock Sonnett off kilter a bit, not at all what she was expecting from her goalkeeper.

"Fine," she says hesitantly, trying to get a read on Alyssa, and Alyssa raises her eyebrows with a smirk. "So good," Sonnett sighs, cracking a smile. "I'm so glad I get all this time with her. God, I just love her so, so much." She wipes at her eyes with the heels of her hands because she's got fresh tears in her eyes now, and she laughs at herself. "And her family..." she can't finish that sentence. "I just want to spend the rest of my life with her. It's so stupid, I knew I was gay before she knew, I was out before she was, but she has helped me grow so much and finally be able to accept myself."

Alyssa wasn't expecting a confession like that, but Sonnett just seems happy to have someone to talk to about how much she loves Lindsey. It doesn't sound unfamiliar.

"Sorry. No one ever asks, except Kelley, and she's just nosy as fuck. I think it's still weird for Rose and Sam, or maybe it's just weird for me because they're our best friends." She shifts against Alyssa as Alyssa switches hands in the ice. "Where's your girlfriend? I haven't seen her."

"She didn't come. Work. And, you know, it hasn't been that long. I haven't even..." Sonnett turns so she can see Alyssa again. "I'm um, I'm in love with her but I haven't told her. So..."

Sonnett looks taken aback that Alyssa would open up to her about... well, anything. She's good about doing it at the right times. "Why not?"

"Guess I'm just waiting for her to say it first. What if she doesn't love me? Maybe that's why she hasn't said it."

Sonnett snorts. "You're like the most lovable person I know. Anyway, if you love her, if you feel it in your chest and your stomach, you should just be brave and say it. 

Alyssa chuckles at Sonnett's very Sonnett description of love and at someone else telling her to be brave. Because, really? But yeah, she feels it in her whole body. "Were you brave?" Alyssa asks skeptically, "Or was it Lindsey?"

"Ugh," Sonnett pretends to be annoyed. "I was the brave one. I said it first. And she couldn't even say it after. She just showed me some song on a playlist she had made and wanted me to guess that she loved me, too. I'm _so_ brave," Sonnett says proudly, with that cocky grin of hers. And then she turns serious, because she hasn't always been brave, at least not right in the moment when she should have, and it's caused Lindsey a lot of unnecessary pain. "Thank you, for getting me through everything, Lyss," Sonnett mumbles. 

Alyssa squeezes her a little closer. "Hey, Son? Remember when you were so brave back then?" Sonnett shifts uncomfortably at the memory. "I'm going to need you to be brave again," Alyssa says softly, echoing the message her girlfriend's text. Sonnett doesn't say anything. "You were doing your job today when you got caught up. We should have been able to control the ball there. Someone should have been able to slow up their transition. And fuck it all, I shouldn't have mishandled that ball."

"No, I - " Sonnett tries to interrupt.

"Stop." Alyssa's voice isn't harsh, but it's definitely stern. "Sonnett, you were doing what you've been asked to do. And if you second-guess yourself on that, it's going to fuck with our whole game plan. We attack. We have to attack Great Britain. If we sit back and let them play, we're not going to get our offense going. You and Crystal have to do your jobs."

"But - "

"Kelley's not going to be back in time, Son. It's you. Push up. Feed the machines. Don't think twice about it. Be brave enough to do your job again. And keep playing defense like you have been, because you've been solid."

* * *

By the time Alyssa's got everything right in Sonnett's world, it's after three and she can hardly think straight. She seriously has to work hard to remember her room number, and all she can manage is to shoot off a quick text to her girlfriend. 

**Alyssa**: _I'm so sorry. I'll call you in the morning._

She sees the response from Nic as she's crawling into bed. Just a heart. She's out as soon as her head hits the pillow, not even bothering to get under the covers. And that’s how Becky finds her in the morning, arm falling off the bed, shoes still on. It’s the first time Becky’s ever beaten Alyssa out of bed. She throws a comforter over her teammate and packs both of their bags so Alyssa can sleep until it’s time for their flight.

Alyssa wakes with a start a couple hours late. She didn't even feel her alarm buzzing. Her eyes are panicked as she looks around the room, trying to get her bearings. Becky throws a pillow at her. "You're all packed. Relax. You've even got time for coffee before we have to go to the airport."

"Oh, fuck me," Alyssa groans, every inch of her body aching, as she tries to get out of bed. 

"Yeah? You're an idiot." Becky throws another pillow at her. "We didn't even lose."

"Feels like it," Alyssa complains. 

"Are you done? Feeling sorry for yourself? Because we've got another game to prepare for." Becky has never been one to baby her; she's not going to start now.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm done. I'm good. Sonnett's good." Becky gives her a weird look. "She was up all night blaming herself, too," Alyssa shrugs. "Going to get coffee. You want?" Becky holds her cup up with a shake of her head. Alyssa heads downstairs, grabs a coffee, and finds an empty nook with a couch. The moment she sees Nic, standing in her kitchen, she's hit in the chest with a warmth that's overwhelming. "I am so sorry," she rushes out. 

"Baby," Nic says in that soft, kind voice that Alyssa loves. "Stop. Don't even go there. Are you ok?"

Alyssa rubs her face with one of her hands, then holds it up for Nic to see. The palm is still red, and there's some bruising around her knuckles. Nic lets out an audible sigh, and Alyssa can guess that it hurts Nic's heart, because seeing the way she knits her eyebrows together and bites her lips hurts Alyssa's heart too. "I'm _trying_ not to be so hard on myself," she says weakly. "I didn't see your text til after my little midnight training session."

"Little, huh?" Nic asks.

"It helped. And it helped Sonnett, too," Alyssa says, ignoring her.

Nic leaves it at that. Let's Alyssa ask her about mundane things, makes some kale chalupas for dinner while she talks, plays fetch with her pup across the kitchen and living room while she cooks. 

And Alyssa breathes easy again. Christen was right. It's been so nice to have a break from soccer for part of the day, everyday, even when it is through a small screen. "I have to go," she says finally. "We're gonna load up and head to the airport soon. But I wish..." she doesn't want to finish her sentence because she knows her wish isn't going to come true.

"Hmm. What do you wish, baby?" Nic asks, stopping what she's doing.

"I just... I wish I could see you," Alyssa mumbles.

"Soon," Nic promises.

Alyssa thinks it's not going to be soon enough. 

It might be sooner thank she thinks. 


	33. Say it Through the Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knockout Olympic rounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote this days ago, but was unhappy that it was So. Much. Dialogue. But I quit, because apparently, that's all I can write. I'll try to not write so much talking next time or something.

“Hello?” Nic says hesitantly.

“Hey, it’s Amanda.”

“Are all y’all anti-text or what?” Nic asks.

Amanda ignores her. “Did you watch the game?”

“Of course. 

“And?”

“And your sister was amazing.”

“Not what I meant. Have you thought about it?”

_It_ being flying out last minute to Tokyo for the semi and hopefully final as a surprise. “She didn’t ask me to come,” Nic sighs. “There’s a reason for that.”

“Yeah, she’s a chickenshit. And you told her you needed to be at work, so she’s not going to ask you. I just think- ”

“You just think I should come anyway. I know.”

“You should surprise her,” Amanda finishes.

“Your sister doesn’t seem like the type who likes surprises.”

“Oh, she’s not. She hates them. She needs to learn to like them.”

“That’s not exactly reassuring. Or how it works. But, I _could_ get out of work.”

“Oh?” Amanda says hopefully.

“And there are flights.”

“So you have been checking.”

“There are plenty of tickets to the semi and the final available still,” Nic continues.

“Mmhmm. Olympic soccer isn’t big like the World Cup. And the kids end up in laps, so wherever your ticket is, you can totally sit with us.”

“But there are no hotel rooms anywhere surrounding Tokyo. So, guess not.”

“Girl, you can stay in my room! I’m by myself!” There’s a long silence on the phone. “So you’re coming then?” Amanda asks.

Nic doesn’t answer her. “She’s FaceTiming me. Gotta go.”

“Ugh, my sister calls you before she even calls me,” Amanda complains.

“She gets to see you at the games.”

“She could see you after her next game.”

“Morning, sunshine,” Alyssa smiles softly when she sees Nic’s face.

“How’s my brick wall?” Alyssa just shakes her head a little. “What’d the fish say when he swam into a brick wall?”

“What?” she asks, rolling her eyes.

“Dam. What’d the bird say when it found a brand new brick wall?”

“What?”

“Simply impeccable.”

“Stop,” Alyssa protests, trying to stifle a laugh.

“No. Why are bricks the happiest construction materials?”

“Why?”

“Because they’re always getting laid.”

“You got jokes, huh?” Alyssa finally breaks out into a huge grin. 

“Here all night. Unfortunate for you that you have to go to sleep because it’s actually night there.” Alyssa runs her hand through her hair and groans at that, but really, she feels lucky right now. Sitting outside the door of the room she shares with Becky, everything pretty much feels right in the world. At least in this moment. “Seriously though, babe, you were incredible out there,” Nic says, her voice finally earnest.

* * *

The game against Great Britain was wild, so much closer than the 3-0 score line could ever suggest. Lindsey flicked in a near post header on the first corner, and in stoppage time of the first half, Rose added a goal on a typical Rose Lavelle 1v2 masterclass, splitting Houghton and Bright. Midway through the second half, Christen hammered home a half volley when Bardsley deflected Alex’s shot back into play. But for anyone watching the game, the story was defense. The US only maintained 41% of the possession, and Great Britain pressed them the entire game. Alyssa stopped a breakaway from England as she beat Abby who was pressing high in the opening minutes, and tipped a rocket of a shot from her over the crossbar that she ripped from about 30 yards out. The overload of Bronze and England on the right side left Lindsey playing more defense than offense all game, and Walsh and White prevented Crystal from being able to get up on the left wing. Alyssa was strong in the box, and ended the game with 12 saves, but it felt like more, like shot after unrelenting shot. The whole night felt like all it would take would be one GB goal to break the game open. Her entire defense looked like they could barely stand by the time the final whistle blew, and Alyssa found herself sitting just outside the team huddle near midfield at the end of the game. Standing was too much effort. She was exhausted, more mentally from being under constant stress than she was physically, but as the adrenaline started to wear off, the pain in her knee, ribs, and shoulders started to become more apparent. The sound of Nic’s voice at the end of the night helped bring her down for the high she was riding and didn’t want to be on.

* * *

“It was a whole team effort,” Alyssa says, slumping farther down against the wall.

“Stop. I’m not an interview. Will you please just give yourself the credit you’ve earned for once? Twelve saves. Twelve. And not balls that were played straight at you. Twelve fucking amazing saves. And you were big off your line. Brave.”

“Ok,” Alyssa relents.

“Ok? Babe, I want to hear you say it.”

“I did well,” she mumbles.

“More.”

“I fucking killed it out there tonight.” It’s not loud, but it’s wholehearted, so it counts.

“Yes, baby!” Her girlfriend’s enthusiasm is kind of endearing.

Alyssa sits there, listening to everything that’s been going on back in Utah, her attention drifting in and out of the conversation. It’s not that she’s bored with it all, it’s just that in moments like these, moments of high stress, it’s hard for her to keep her mind from wandering to thoughts of what life would be like as a normal person. Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine, after being in the US Soccer system since she was 16, having so many aspects of her life dictated to her. And everything that hasn’t been expressly controlled by USSF has always still felt like it – being gone so much of the time, being in the public eye. But then when she starts to think about life without soccer, she starts feeling unsettled, like an addict feeling withdrawals before the drug has even been taken away. There’s something strangely reassuring about giving up control to someone else, no matter how difficult the daily grind is. And there’s something terrifying about having full control of her own life again. Her sisters do it. They’re so happy with their lives. So are her parents. They’re all so normal and love their jobs, and it’s crazy to Alyssa how she, who shies away from the limelight more than any of them, is the one who doesn’t know how she’ll function out of it, out of the pressure.

“Hey,” Nic’s voice brings her back. “Two more games. Savor every minute of it. And keep kicking ass! Get some sleep, baby. You’ve gotta be spent. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

* * *

The semifinal match against the Netherlands is not the dramatic back and forth battle their quarterfinal was. Neither team gets more than a few decent looks on goal, and even fewer are threatening. In the 70th minute, Vlatko hedges his bets and subs Megan out, as she’s nearing her limit. Lynn has a great chance in the 81st, but hits the crossbar, and the Oranjeleeuwinnin clear the ball up the field. 120 minutes of regulation and overtime, and the game is still scoreless. In the waning minutes of stoppage time, Vlatko subs a still hobbled Kelley on to take a penalty, slotting her 5th. No one says it, and Alyssa wasn’t in goal in 2016, but it feels like Rio again, the low block the Swedes played now mastered by Dutch manager Sarina Wiegman’s side. They already have their five shooters chosen, Vlatko always extra prepared for every situation, but Christen interrupts the huddle. “I want one.” She was 7th on the list. Everyone turns and looks at her, but no one knows what to say. This isn’t how things work with this team. It’s never been, not even under Jill. In the World Cup the year before, when Alex stepped up to take the second PK against Spain, she was waved off. Megan was their go-to, even if they never expected two PKs in the same match. “I’ll bury it,” Christen says in a way that leaves no one doubting she will. Alex steps up and offers Christen her spot as the first kicker. It almost seems like a passing of the torch.

Christen hits a low driven shot to the bottom left corner. Redemption. 1-0 USA.

It’s then, so early on, that Alyssa feels in her gut that they’re going to win, the same way Christen had no doubt her ball would hit the back of the net. She steps up to the line and van de Sanden looks her straight in the eyes for half a second. In that brief moment, before Shanice blinks and looks away, Alyssa sees the exact same doubt she saw in Houghton a year ago. She knows she has this. Her mind clears. She thinks of nothing and sees nothing but the ball as she steps up to the line. The ball looks like a supermoon when she bends the waist-level shot around the left post. Still 1-0 USA.

JJ nails her kick to the upper left corner, giving van Veenendaal no chance. 2-0 USA.

She guesses wrong on van de Donk’s take, which leaves her flatfooted, standing helplessly in the middle of the goal. 2-1 USA.

Rose’s cheeky finish sends van Veenendaal to the left while she passes it straight down the middle. Alyssa has to fight back a grin at how ridiculously confident the 26-year-old is. 3-1 USA.

Miedema places a perfectly placed ball into the side netting. Alyssa guesses right, but it’s just out of the reach of her fingertips. 3-2 USA.

Cool as ever, Lindsey slams a blistering ball past van Veenendaal into the side netting, too, almost as personal response to the up-and-coming star so many are saying is the best in the world. Sari’s hand is on the ball, but Lindsey hits it so hard, her wrist bends back. 4-2 USA.

Alyssa’s focus suddenly comes back to the moment. If she saves this, it’s over and they can put Rio behind them. Unfortunately, Spitse gets her diving the wrong way with a perfectly placed ball. 4-3 USA.

_It’s ok_, Alyssa repeats to herself. They can win right now on Kelley’s PK. It’s Kelley, who can hit a top bin, untouchable PK with the best of them. She turns away, focused on her gloves, unable to watch. She hears the clang of the ball on the metal post a split second before she hears the collective gasp of the crowd. Still 4-3 USA.

That one-goal advantage that was such a mental boost is now gone. Turning to step up to the line, Alyssa knows she’s battling her own mind more than she’s battling Bloodworth. She fights off the thought of this going to sudden death spot kicks. She slaps her hands together twice, as hard as she can, refocusing on Domi’s body language and nothing else. No crowd noise. No visualization of what it will be like if she saves the shot. Not the little bit of tingling remaining in her palms. She stands straighter than every keeper coach who’s ever worked with her would like. She doesn’t even look ready, she looks almost too relaxed. Domi’s plant foot angles left. Alyssa starts to dive that way. The ball sails straight down the middle. She gets her foot on it at the last possible second, making a kick save as her body is falling away. 4-3 USA.

She pushes herself up from the ground, looking up to the sky in thanks. Almost as soon as she’s dropped down to her knee in a moment of prayer, she’s being dogpiled by her teammates. Sonnett’s the first one to make it to her, knocking her backwards into the ground. Fucking Sonnett, who apparently forgot Alyssa had banned from hugging her anymore this tournament. There’s no avoiding it. She hates it, but only a little bit. Mainly the suffocating, crushing feeling of the rest of them piling on top, not so much their joy and enthusiasm. She finally allows herself to celebrate with her team, to smile and for a loud scream of relief as she gets back to her feet to be drowned out by the din of the stadium. It feels like they won a gold medal, and in the back of her head, she knows that’s a problem because it’s going to be extra draining later to come down from this high only to have to go again. But she savors the moment as they make their way around the stadium in a slow victory lap. The pops and flashing lights of the cameras, the chants from the Outlaws, the red, white, and blue everywhere, she tries to soak it all in because it’s almost over, and there’s no way of knowing what the next game holds in store for them.

“Come on,” Amanda wipes tears from her eyes and motions for Nic to follow as she starts to head down the dozen or so stairs to the bottom of the stadium, but Nic’s already walking the opposite way. “Where are you going?”

“Back to the hotel. Don’t tell her I’m here. I’ll surprise her after the next game.”

Amanda starts to protest. “I can’t believe you haven’t told her. She’s gonna be so happy to see you, come on,” but she reluctantly agrees to keep the secret. 

* * *

“Hey.” Alyssa’s sitting in the hallway of the hotel. She squints at the background at her girlfriend, sitting against a non-descript headboard. “You’re still at that hotel?”

When Nic arrived in Tokyo yesterday morning, Alyssa had immediately noticed on their FaceTime that she wasn’t at home. The reason given – “Grand Junction just didn’t seem like a good fit, but this model of education is perfectly suited for Colorado, so I’m not giving up. Gonna give Colorado Springs a look.”

“Yeah. I really like it. Like really, really. Maybe I’m doing an extra thorough job of vetting it. So,” Nic says, changing the subject, “I know you didn’t want to talk about it last night, but can we talk about that game yet?”

Alyssa lets out a big sigh. “Can we talk about literally anything else? It felt like all I did all day today was answer questions about penalty kicks.”

“Fine. After I tell you how amazing you are.”

“How amazing?” Alyssa’s eyes sparkle.

“_So_ fucking amazing.”

Alyssa blushes a little and changes the subject. “Tell me more about Colorado.”

“Well, there’s still snow on the top of Pike’s Peak, and for someone who grew up without snow, seeing it in the middle of the summer is so odd, but I love it!”

“What food did you try today?” Nic had given Alyssa a hard time when the team first arrived in Japan because she didn’t want to try the local cuisine, so Alyssa made it a point to try something new every day. “Because experiences are important,” Nic told her.

“Monja. It was like a savory crepe.”

“That doesn’t sound too adventurous,” Nic gives her a look.

“I got it with scallops and prawn and squid?” Alyssa adds.

“Acceptable.”

They talk for close to an hour, interrupted multiple times teammates – Pinoe who sits down next to Alyssa and makes kissy sounds and faces into the phone, Tobin, who just sits next to her, resting her head on Alyssa’s shoulder and listening to their conversation for no discernible reason, and Christen, who takes the phone away to tell Nic about the atmosphere in the stadium after the win. “I thought you said I needed to focus less on soccer,” Alyssa protests. “Stop talking about it.” She takes her phone back. 

“Everyone seems to be awake and active tonight,” Nic observes.

“Yeah, it’s getting harder and harder to fall asleep.”

“That why they’ve been locking your electronics up at night?”

“Yep. They know some people will stay on them for hours just from pure nervous energy and not get decent sleep.”

“Makes sense, especially considering the longer you’re on it, the harder it is to fall asleep. Blue light and all.”

“Well yeah, but it feels like the whole class getting punished for a few irresponsible clowns.”

Nic bursts out laughing. “That’s a little dramatic.”

“Is it? They’re not giving us our phones back til after the final this time. That’s why we get an extra hour before curfew tonight. I thought Jill was crazy, but this… _this_ is crazy. Because some people can’t manage their sleep and someone cough cough Carli can’t stay off Twitter and keeps getting her feelings hurt.”

“No phones for 48 hours? What will y’all do?” Nic jokes. “Who are the ones responsible for you losing your phone, baby? Besides Carli. Name names. Is it Lindsey?”

“No, Kelley would kill her if there was even a tiny bit of light in their room. Lindsey probably has to pee in the dark. Actually, she probably has to hold it until Kelley wakes up.”

“Sonnett?”

“No, actually not. Surprisingly. She’s the one who accidentally let it slip that Rose was playing Scrabble on her phone til like 2am during the group stage. They take Rose’s Switch away at night, too. Julie and Crystal always have bad sleep numbers. Julie can stay on the phone with Zach or with her sister for hours. She does it when we travel for club games. It’s like she doesn’t need sleep, she just runs on coffee. It’s ridiculous. But this is gonna mess with people’s routines. Like, if Pinoe isn’t trolling some Republican Senator over our kneeling, or if Lindsey doesn’t get her two hours in the morning scrolling Instagram before she gets out of bed, it’s going to throw them off.” Alyssa sighs, looking down the hall, “Speaking of. They’re coming.”

“You really are being dramatic about this. I didn’t peg you as someone so dependent on your phone.”

“Have you ever been without your phone for two days?” Alyssa asks seriously. “Anyway, my dramatics are your fault because I miss you.” Alyssa waves the staff members inside so they can go get Becky’s phone first. 

“Well, I guess the next time I talk to you, you’ll be a gold medalist.”

“Hope so,” Alyssa mumbles.

“Goodnight,” Nic winks at her.

“I love you,” Alyssa whispers.

“I love you, too.”

Alyssa hangs up the phone right as Shannon is exiting her room. She places her phone in the oversized Ziplock bag and gets up to go inside. And then it hits her. She just said _I love you_. Like it was nothing. Like it’s a habit. Like they end every call that way. Except they don’t. They never have. The words just slipped out. Except they didn’t. She meant it. But Nic probably didn’t mean. It was just a response. Someone casually says _I love you_, the natural reply is _I love you, too_. Her chest tightens. Her breathing becomes labored. She’s absolutely panicked. “Hey,” she jogs down the hall after Shannon. “I need my phone back.” Shannon stares at her. The panic on her face must be enough to convince her that it’s serious. “Just- just finish up getting everyone else’s. I’ll give it back in a second. It’s an emergency.”

When she looks down at her phone, she has a string of texts that bring a smile to her face.

**Nic**: I don’t know if you meant it.   
If it slipped out, I get it.   
But I want you to know that I meant it.   
I didn’t just say it to say it back.   
You won’t see this until after the final.  
I want it to be the first thing you see.   
I love you, Alyssa.  
And if you didn’t mean it, it’s ok.   
But I love you.

“I meant it. I love you, too” Alyssa rushes out when Nic answers. “I didn’t mean to say it on the phone. I should have told you in person. And I’m sorry, but I _so_ love you. So I’m really not that sorry.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“How’d you get your phone back?” Nic chuckles.

“I said it was an emergency.”

“The lies.”

“Shut up, it felt like an emergency.” Alyssa’s blushing all over again. 

Nic snorts. “Ok. Goodnight. I love you, Lyss.”

“I love you, too.” This time, she says it with purpose. She loves her. She shouldn’t be surprised that the words finally slipped out. She’s been falling for her since they met. She should have said it earlier, because the relief that she feels from finally be able to say it freely is overwhelming.

“What are you smiling for?” Becky asks as Alyssa walks into their room. “You saved those PKs yesterday, you should really get over yourself.” Alyssa rolls her eyes, but doesn’t give Becky shit back. “Oh. Ohhhh. That’s not a soccer smile. That’s a ‘I just got off the phone with my girlfriend’ smile, isn’t it?” Becky asks knowingly. “Except it’s…bigger this time.” She watches Alyssa fall back contentedly on her bed. 

“Are you gonna go to sleep, or what?” Alyssa complains.

“No, I only have three chapters left in this.” But then Becky marks her place, closes her book, and looks at Alyssa intently.

“Stop staring at me. I feel you staring at me.”

“Something’s different. One of you said it.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Alyssa blushes as she tries, not very well, to hide her smile. She turns over because it’s not working.

“How long have I been rooming with you?”

“Well a long time, but it would have been more often if you weren’t a diva and got your own room every time we’re an odd number," Alyssa points out.

“I know you. You’re…” Becky waves her fingers at Alyssa, “lighter.”

“That sounds ridiculous. Finish your book.” Alyssa toes off her shoes, kicking them onto the floor. 

“Who said it?” Becky demands to know.

“Fuck off.”

“It was you. You don’t want to admit it. But it was you. I’m so proud of you,” Becky says, jumping in bed to give Alyssa a hug. 

“Get off of me,” Alyssa whines. “And stop knowing me so well. Go away.” She pushes Becky, who doesn’t budge, laughing at her. “Why is everyone touching me this trip?” Alyssa cringes as Becky squeezes her tighter. Alyssa frees her arm and manages to click off the lamp. “You’ve forfeited your reading time. I’m going to sleep.”

“You do know I’m just going to ask her when we get back, right?” Becky tousles Alyssa’s hair as she stands. “And if I’m right, you’re buying my coffee the rest of the season.”

“And if you’re wrong?”

“I’ll get your coffee. But I’m not. You panicked because you aren’t going to be able to talk to her for two days. It’s cute, really. And now you’re glaring at me.”

“What the fuck, it’s pitch black in here.”

“I know things,” Becky says in her best Becky voice. “I know all the things.”

Alyssa really hopes Becky doesn't retire anytime soon. At least until she's ready to retire, too.


	34. All That Glitters Is Not Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The post-victory celebration is a little tense before it gets better.

The hand that’s lightly placed on the small of Alyssa’s back makes her cringe. She tries not to, at least not visibly, since she’s in the middle of a conversation with Shannon, but she definitely cringes internally. Shannon’s hand is resting on her forearm, and it has been for the past… well… several minutes, but it feels like it’s been there for an eternity. She tried to casually move her arm away, but those fingertips just sunk deeper into her flesh, so she stopped. Sonnett has come by twice and jumped on her back. Kelley hip checked her for no discernable reason. Crystal messed up her hair while trying to get her to dance. All the hugging was fine after the win. But now, a couple of hours have passed, and they’re at the party set up for them at their hotel, that has sprawled from the bar to the ballroom, and across the small foyer in between, and it just seems highly unnecessary to keep touching at this point. _What is it about winning that makes people want to touch her!_

It’s not that she’s not happy. She’s beyond thrilled about the gold medal that’s currently hanging around her neck. Truly. She celebrated on the field and laughed along with all the singing and dancing as her less responsible teammates – led by Alex and Kelley, because of course neither one of them feels like they’re in their 30s after winning another gold – got drunker and drunker in the change room. She got a little drunker, too. And she’s here, celebrating with everyone now. Maybe, if adrenaline wasn’t coursing through her body, keeping her awake, she would have turned in by now, but she swears she’s as happy as the rest of them. She had a hell of a tournament, and for one of the few times in her professional career, she can be proud when she’s usually too hard on herself. Part of that comes from winning the Golden Glove – finally. As unimportant as she always felt like an individual award was, she also couldn’t help but feel robbed after making those saves against England last year and not winning it. Even if she’d never say it aloud. She proved to any remaining naysayers that her World Cup performance wasn’t a fluke, and she didn’t need to be replaced by Jane or Aubrey or anyone else. That blunder against the Matildas seems so long ago, and it makes her think that she’s finally grown in the way Jill asked her to before she resigned. “Work on your mental game, Lyssy. You’re more than an occasional mistake. This team is going to need you, but don’t forget that you can lean on them, too.” She overcame that one mishandled ball, and she’s proud of that. That’s probably the most important piece in all of this – that she was able to forgive herself for the mistake. If it ends up being her last Olympics, she’s got a gold medal that she earned. That she _deserved_. If this ends up being her last major, she can go out satisfied. Happy.

Scurry.

Solo.

Naeher.

She finally feels like her name is worthy of standing beside her legendary predecessors. 

“So, what’s it feel like to win a gold medal?”

That voice.

She’s got to be hearing things. There’s no way. She could be hearing things she _wishes_ were real. She can’t get a clear grip on her thoughts as she turns around. What the hell is going on? She’s in Tokyo. On the other side of the world from her girlfriend who’s supposed to be in Colorado. This? This is not real. The woman standing in front of her in her hotel cannot be really real. Except she’s not even close to drunk enough yet to be seeing things. Or hearing things. Or feeling things. This isn’t possible. It’s not possible that she’s 6000 miles from where she _just_ was, on the phone, the other night. Well, it’s _possible_, but…

“ ’bout like that, huh?” Nic muses. “So, um, maybe I shouldn’t have listened to your sister and surprised you?”

That snaps Alyssa out of it, out of where she been teetering, a little passed buzzed and on the way to drunk. She hugs her. Big. Her arms wrap around Nic’s shoulders and she holds on like she’s never going to let go. Nic squeezes her right back and lets out a long, controlled breath into her chest. And that’s real. All of it. “Her? What? No. I wasn’t- ” Alyssa stammers.

“That’s not what I meant. I know that. I meant in general? Maybe I shouldn’t be here.”

It has to be what Nic meant, Alyssa figures, but she pushes that thought aside for now, trying to correct for not being excited enough when she first saw her girlfriend. “Of course you should have come! Are you kidding me? I’m so happy you’re here.” She pulls away to look at her, hands on her shoulders, more to steady herself and her nerves than to keep Nic there. “But I don’t understand,” she blinks hard. “You were just in Colorado.”

“Oh, baby, I was never in Colorado. I’m totally going to open a location there, but I’ve been here since your semifinal.” Nic lets out this half laugh and Alyssa knows she’s still not completely at ease, but even that small soundd is music to Alyssa’s ears.

“In the stands?” Nic nods. Alyssa doesn’t know whether to punch her or hug her harder. “What made you change your mind? _And how could you not tell me_?” she almost shouts, giving her girlfriend a little shake. She rubs her eyes and her face, still not believing it because she feels hazy.

“Well, you can thank your sister for that, she kept nagging me. It was that really annoying kind of nagging and I wanted it to stop. And… I missed you. But I didn’t tell you because- ”

“Amanda knew! I’m gonna kill her!” Alyssa interrupts.

“Probably shouldn’t, if you’re happy I’m here.”

“So happy. And only because of that, she can live,” Alyssa hugs her again, breathing in the familiar smell of shampoo that makes her feel like she’s back home. She feels her heartbeat coming back down slowly, as it hits her just how much Utah has become home, when she never thought it would.

“Fucking finally,” Amanda strolls over and throws her arms over both women’s shoulders. “She’s made the whole family keeps this from you because she was scared you didn’t want her here and she said you might blame her if you guys lost,” Amanda rolls her eyes. “She didn’t even want to sit with us for fear of a family photo starting internet rumors about who the new woman is, but I convinced her they’d think she was my girlfriend. Still wouldn’t wear your jersey though, so I grabbed her one of Kelley’s since this is her doing. Anyway, congrats on getting to see each other again. Work on your communication, or something,” Amanda waves her hand dismissively, heading off to grab another beer from the seemingly endless supply in ice buckets strategically placed and constantly refilled around the room. “Won’t wait up for you,” she calls over her shoulder.

Alyssa leans against the bar to steady herself again, and lets her fingers brush her girlfriend’s. She can’t pull her eyes away, and the rest of the craziness raging around her seems to fade, allowing thoughts to swirl through her mind. 

_She came. _

_To some of the biggest games of my career._

_She was next door when I said “I love you,” not on the other side of the world._

_We could have shared that moment in person._

_I want to say it again, for real this time._

_I want to kiss her._

_Right here._

_In front of everyone._

_She flew halfway around the world._

_At the last minute._

_So she could be here right now._

_With me._

_For me._

_She was terrified I wouldn’t want her here._

_She’s terrified of having any role in outing me._

_She’s scared like me. Of different things, but she’s still scared._

_And she’s here._

As the adrenaline makes the alcohol temporarily feel like it’s starting to wear off, one more realization pops into Alyssa’s brain. What that scene would have looked like to her approaching girlfriend. 

_She saw another woman’s hand on my arm. I had leaned in, because it’s loud in here. But that must’ve looked like… Fuck!_ Her cheeks redden in embarrassment and she clenches her fist, angry at herself for letting it go on. And now, she can’t take it back, and her girlfriend is just staring at her expectantly.

“Come with me,” Alyssa grabs Nic’s hand and tugs her away from the bar, around the corner and into an empty hallway. It’s not quiet, the music still pumping through the walls, but it’s quieter. And it’s away from the crowds and her teammates dancing on tables and on the bar. “Hi,” she mumbles, stepping into Nic and not letting go of her hand. She’s been an ocean away from her for what seems like far too long and she doesn’t want any space between them for a moment longer. She’s missed the brightness of those eyes in person. Her eyes drop to Nic’s lips and her mind starts racing again as she tries to weigh the relative safety of kissing her in this hallway. It shouldn’t be like that she thinks, knitting her eyebrows together in frustration. She should be able to kiss her girlfriend. There’s just such a big crowd. Before she can make up her mind, Nic interrupts her thoughts.

“Hey, beautiful.”

“You’re really here.” Alyssa presses their foreheads together.

“I’m really here.” As the silence between them lingers, the tension increases. “So who’s the other woman?” Nic finally asks. Alyssa can hear the strain behind her attempt to laugh it off.

Alyssa downs the rest of her beer in one long chug. “There’s no other woman.”

“I’m kidding,” Nic says quietly, but her face says she isn’t.

“She’s the team administrator. In charge of lodging, travel, food, that kind of stuff. But she’s- ”

“She was flirting with you.”

“She wasn’t,” Alyssa protests, but deep down, she knows Shannon was, and her heartrate picks back up, enough to cause small chest pains.

“She was,” Nic says simply, looking away. And then she turns back, locking in on Alyssa’s eyes. “Can’t blame her.” Her voice cracks. “You’re a catch. And now you’re a catch with a gold medal around your neck.” Nic looks down, fumbling with the medal. “It’s heavy,” she murmurs, trying to change the subject.

Kelley interrupts their uncomfortable moment, coming out of the bathroom with her girlfriend. “Ahhh!!!” Kelley yells in Nic’s ear, hugging her and spilling beer in the process. “You’re here!!!” Alyssa rolls her eyes, but she’s thankful that she’s not getting hugged this time and thankful for a break from the conversation, even if she doesn’t deserve it. “Have fun, kids,” Kelley says with a wink, slapping Alyssa on the back.

“Oh, no, we weren’t waiting for- ” but Kelley’s already gone and wouldn’t have believed her explanation anyway.

Alyssa hesitates for a second, weighing her options – what she should do right now versus what she wants to do. She pulls Nic into the bathroom with her. In the back of her mind, she knows they need to talk, but words seem to be failing her now. It’s not going to make the conversation go away, and there’s a whole slew of things she feels like she needs to apologize for, but what she should do and what she needs in this moment are two completely different things. And for once, and maybe because of the alcohol, she doesn’t let logic win out. Because if Kelley can…

Alyssa pushes the smaller woman up against the door and turns the lock in one fell swoop. Her hands shoot to her girlfriend’s hips and her lips land on Nic’s jaw and the familiarity of it all helps push down the unsettled feeling in her stomach. “I missed you so much,” she whispers into Nic’s ear. She doesn’t mean to cover anything up, there’s nothing to cover up after all. She not trying to be a distraction; she just can’t help it.

“Missed you, too.”

That breathiness in Nic’s voice is exactly what she was going for. Alyssa’s hand slides between her girlfriend’s legs, over her jeans, and the whine she gets is even better. But then Nic uses the leverage of the solid surface behind her to push Alyssa into the wall across from them. “What are you- ” Nic’s hand is under her shirt, twisting her nipple between her fingers, and it doesn’t even matter to her that the fabric of her sports bra is in the way. She’s way more responsive than normal. 

And Nic can definitely tell. Her other hand climbs up under Alyssa’s shirt until she’s thumbing at both her nipples and Alyssa is squirming just from that. “You’re so sensitive. You didn’t touch yourself while you were gone?” she asks, almost toying with her.

“I tried,” Alyssa grits out. “But I can’t. It’s not you. Not the same. Can’t come without you.”

“Mmmm.” Nic removes her hands from Alyssa’s breasts, which is not what she wants, but as her girlfriend begins fumbling with the button of her jeans, she feels herself starting to let go.

“But…” Alyssa whispers as she tries to gather her thoughts, catching herself. This wasn’t her plan. Not that she had long to plan. It’s a struggle to keep protesting as fingers run over her underwear, making her even more aware of how wet she is so embarrassingly fast. “I wanted to take care of you.”

“Mmhmm,” Nic murmurs, leaning heavier into Alyssa. “Later.” Alyssa tries to protest again, and Nic’s fingers still, having barely pushed Alyssa’s underwear aside. “I can stop.”

“Fuck. Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Nic asks teasingly.

“Don’t fucking stop.” She doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or the guilt or the woman lowering her inhibitions tonight, but as Nic’s fingers glide through her folds, and up to her clit, circling slowly before applying more pressure, it doesn’t really matter anymore. 

*****

As they leave the restroom, Alyssa opens the door and almost runs into Sonnett, leaning against Lindsey. Lindsey’s hands are all over her and it’s so obvious what they’re waiting for. Sonnett smirks; Alyssa’s face turns a deep shade of crimson. Sonnett holds up her hand for a high five. Alyssa pushes it out of her face. “I swear to God, if this gets repeated to anyone…” Alyssa starts as she brushes past Sonnett. She doesn’t finish her threat.

“You’re not the first ones in here tonight, Sonnett shouts over her shoulder. “And clearly, not the last,” she laughs as Lindsey tugs her into the bathroom, begging her to leave them alone.

They find an empty table against the wall in the ballroom. It’s crazy in there, but less crazy than the bar, and maybe a tad bit quieter. Nic perches on a bar height stool and Alyssa is about to sit in the one just across the table from her, but she doesn’t even want two feet between them. Nic notices her hesitation. “Come here?” she asks hesitantly, reaching her hand out, and Alyssa slides in between her legs. It feels like this is where she belongs, with her girlfriend’s arms wrapped around her chest, watching the celebration. She covers Nic’s hands with her own, playing with her fingers and leaning back against her. 

“I wasn’t….” she starts after a few minutes, worry still heavy in her gut. Turning into Nic’s cheek she whispers, “I promise I wasn’t doing anything. I wouldn’t…. Are you mad at me?”

“Seriously, Lyss?” Nic cranes her neck to look at her girlfriend. “I just fucked you in the bathroom,” she whispers in Alyssa’s ear, making Alyssa shudder. “Do you think I’m mad?”

“I- ” Alyssa doesn’t know what to think. She thinks she’d be mad. Hurt at least. Doesn’t know if she’d hang around long enough to hear an explanation. It makes her wonder if the only reason Nic’s still here is because she’s on the other side of the world. It makes her wonder if Nic felt like she had to get her off in the bathroom, to win her back almost, or to keep her maybe.

Nic turns her around so she can look into her eyes. “I know. I trust you. I’m not mad. I don’t think you’re cheating on me.” Nic tugs her just a little closer by the medal. “You’ll leave me for one reason or another, eventually, but you’re too good to cheat. And also, I don’t believe in getting mad.”

“But…” Alyssa’s hands start creeping up Nic’s thighs. She wants to kiss her so badly. To reassure her. To say all the things that she needs to say right now but her brain is too fuzzy to form the words, that last beer finally hitting her. _I’m sorry. For so many things. But especially for making you worry about how much I want you in my life always. _

“I don’t want to talk about this right now,” Nic says firmly, looking Alyssa right in the eyes. “Go, dance with them,” she nods to the crowd. “Have fun. It’s not every day you’re an Olympic champ.”

“Fun. You mean like dance on the bar with them?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“There’s not enough alcohol in all of Tokyo.”

“C’mon, Lyss. Years from now, don’t you think you’ll look back on tonight and regret not having a blast with them and getting wild? You have your whole life to be serious.” Alyssa doesn’t budge from where she’s leaning against Nic’s chest. “Regrets suck. Go get another beer and let loose. I’ll be right here when you get back.”

“I’m not getting on the bar,” Alyssa pouts as she gives in. “Or on a table. I’ll go stand amongst the madness. That is all.”

* * *

“Oh my goodness, do I smell like alcohol?” Alyssa asks, sniffing herself as they make their way into her hotel room. “I feel like I smell like alcohol. I need another shower. Is it my clothes?” she rambles, fumbling to turn the lights on. 

“Pretty sure it’s coming out of your pores.” Nic buries her face in Alyssa’s neck. “Yep, don’t think you can wash it off.”

Alyssa collapses on the bed. “It’s my clothes,” she groans. “Has to be. Come take them off for me.”

Nic leans down and gives her a quick peck on the forehead before unlacing her shoes and helping those off. “You can handle the rest, I think.”

“What are you doing?” Alyssa asks after a few seconds. Nic is rustling through Alyssa’s drawers.

“Looking for something to sleep in. For me at least. I guess you can stay in your Olympic champs shirt. You earned it.”

“Babe, you don’t need clothes.” Nic gives her a pointed look. “Come on, it’s been sooo long,” she whines.

“And you’re too exhausted to even shower. You’ll probably pass out.”

“I would never. Ok, I might, but I would do a good job until I passed out, and you’d enjoy it.”

“I bet. We have forever. Let’s make it good.”

“Forever,” Alyssa mumbles slowly.

“Forever. Because I love you.”

“I love you, too. And that’s not alcohol talking. I really love you. And I’m sorry I told you on the phone.”

“We’ve been over this already. It’s fine,” Nic says tugging her shirt over her head, and her bra right after, before she pulls on one of Alyssa’s tees. Alyssa groans at the sight of her girlfriend, half naked in her hotel room, and huffs once she’s covered up. Nic lowers her jeans and walks over to the edge of the bed looking down at her, and Alyssa thinks that maybe she’s never seen her look so beautiful before, standing there in nothing but her t-shirt and underwear.

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa mumbles, pulling Nic down on the bed with her. “I’m sorry I let Shannon flirt with me. I guess I knew she was. She said that we weren’t serious if you weren’t here, and I knew that wasn’t true, but I didn’t tell her she was wrong because I just don’t like talking about it. It’s just easier to stay quiet. And then she had her hand on my arm and I didn’t stop her- ”

“Lyss, it doesn’t matter.”

“It matters. And I didn’t tell you I wanted you here. I did want you here. But I didn’t know if you wanted to come or if you really needed to be at work. I thought you’d think it was too soon to follow me across the world for some soccer games. I would have flown you out here if you had told me you wanted to come. And I’m really sorry that I made you feel like you can’t be near me in public. That’s ridiculous. Like, I made you feel like shit. What kind of person does that? It’s not that I don’t want people to know, I swear. God, I’m such a shitty person.”

“Baby, people know. And I know that. And you are _not_ a shitty person,” Nic tries to assure her.

“But like, I just don’t want the world in my business. In _our_ business,” Alyssa continues.

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine. Not at all. Like, you have pictures from the game and of us from tonight. What if you want to post one on Instagram?”

“I don’t need to post a picture of us on Instagram.”

“But you should be able to. Your friends can post pictures of whomever they’re dating. And like, you can’t now. You have to hide part of your life because I want to hide _my_ life.”

“Baby, my friends aren’t dating superstar athletes,” Nic places a loud smack on her cheek, trying to lighten the mood. “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

“You should just post whatever you want. I shouldn’t tell you want to do.”

“Alyssa, where is this all coming from?”

“It’s because… I don’t know…”

“Baby, you’re drunk.”

“I’m not. Ok, maybe I am. But I don’t want you to leave me because I make you feel like I’m not proud to be with you.”

“What do I have to do to get you to stop talking about this?” Nic asks.

“I don’t want to stop talking about this.”

“Where’s your roommate?”

“Becky? She’s staying with Zola tonight.”

Nic straddles Alyssa and Alyssa’s eyes go wide as she lifts her shirt over her head. Nic smirks. “You’re quiet now.”

“I mean…” Alyssa cocks her head to the side, processing everything. “What happens if I keep talking?”

Nic leans down and kisses Alyssa’s jawline up to her ear, as her hands skirt down Alyssa’s ribs. “Baby, I know you won a gold medal tonight, but you’re really not getting your way this drunk.” She slides farther down Alyssa’s body and pulls her up to a seated position. “But, I want to cuddle with you all night. And I wouldn’t mind feeling your skin again,” she smiles, lifting Alyssa’s shirt over her head. “Can I?” she asks, getting a nod before taking Alyssa’s bra off. She kisses her back down into the bed and tugs her jeans off, tossing them into a pile on the floor with the rest of her clothes. She kisses her way back up the inside of Alyssa’s leg, and slides her fingers under the waistband of Alyssa’s underwear as Alyssa squirms to help them off.

“Babe, you can’t do this,” Alyssa whines.

“It’s gonna be so much better when you’re sober. So much better when you’re not tired.” Nic’s breath is hot against her thigh and she’s so wet that she knows she’s probably soaking the sheet under her. Nic slides up Alyssa’s body, dropping hot kisses against her skin as she works her way up, stopping just below Alyssa’s breasts before sitting back up.

“Wait, come back here, I have to tell you something,” Alyssa pulls her down, feeling the warmth of her skin, and the tingling of their nipples touching. She feels Nic’s thigh drop between her legs and she can’t help but rub against it as Nic sucks lightly on her neck. “I want to taste you,” she whispers in Nic’s ear.

Nic reflexively grinds against Alyssa’s center. “Baby, that’s not fair.”

“I know,” Alyssa says flipping them easily. “The alcohol’s making me play dirty.”


	35. The Weekend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quick trip to SoCal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My god, it's been months. I'm sorry. Honestly, I wasn't going to touch it again, but I kept getting bugged about it on tumblr, so here's... something.

“Do you think you could get a Friday off of work? Or maybe a Monday?” Alyssa asks, toweling off her hair as she stands before her girlfriend, freshly showered for the morning. “We have a bye coming up in two weeks and I was wondering if- ”

“Yes,” Nic interrupts her with a smile. “Whatever it is, yes. I’ll take off Friday  _ and  _ Monday.”

Alyssa returns the smile, but can’t help but be a little saddened by her girlfriend’s excitement. Her life has been a whirlwind since the Olympics, between appearances, victory tour games, press, shooting for sponsors, and club matches. Quiet mornings like this are nice, but she’s determined to take advantage of the time they have when it’s available in larger chunks, especially with the surprise she got in Japan. “I was thinking a weekend getaway before the playoffs?”

“We could just do a weekend here and not get out of bed,” Nic suggests, reaching out for her from her spot on the couch. “You’ve been exhausted lately. I don’t know that a quick trip where we’re rushing around is the best thing for you.”

She shouldn’t be surprised that her exhaustion is so apparent. Most nights, she falls asleep before the news comes on, or ends up in bed while her girlfriend is still working. Most nights, she’s genuinely too tired to make the short trip back to her apartment. But it’s still not a pleasant thing to hear, and she probably shouldn’t use one of her only free weekends to travel. As it is, she already lives out of a suitcase. The only problem with that is she can’t get this nagging desire to do something different with her girlfriend out of her head. “What if I promise an entire 24 hours in the hotel at some point? So we can rest?” she asks hopefully.

“Rest, huh?” Nic winks, and it draws a blush from Alyssa. “I don’t buy it, but also, I’m not going to argue with you because I want to spend time with you away from all this. Where’d you have in mind?”

“Vancouver? San Diego? Denver? I don’t know. Where do you want to go?”

“I feel like Vancouver is more than a weekend. And if we’re going to Colorado, I’m going skiing, so that’ll have to wait. I haven’t been to San Diego in years. That seems like a more relaxing trip. There’s not much to do there. Let’s do that.”

“Yes! I’ll plan the whole thing,” Alyssa’s face lights up in excitement.

“Including a rest day.”

“Including a rest day,” Alyssa agrees, plopping down on Nic’s couch, the flight app already open on her phone. “This is kind of exciting. Our first vacation together.” Less than five minutes later, she’s picked out flights, but needs some more information. “Um, babe, when’s your birthday?”

Nic chuckles before providing the date Alyssa needs to book the flight. “I guess we skipped right past all the basic questions and went straight for the hard-hitting ones.”

“Yeah,  _ you  _ sure did. I don’t even know why I answered you.’” Alyssa shakes her head at the memory of a stranger who had the power to coax her out of her shell.

“Because you’re old enough to know that favorite foods and colors and music don’t make a bit of difference in the grand scheme of things, and you didn’t want to waste your time any more than I did on someone who wasn’t ready for a relationship. Because even if you tried telling yourself you weren’t, you were,” Nic says simply. “You insist coffee is its own food group even though it’s not. You probably tell people contemporary worship is your favorite genre of music, but you only listen to it when you’re stressed, especially about soccer, so I don’t believe that. And your favorite color is black.”

“I- ” Alyssa doesn’t know what to say, because it’s not like they’ve had explicit conversations about these things.

“You wear black all the time. Don’t try to tell me it’s not. We didn’t need to waste time with all that. I like when things unfurl naturally. And I know when your birthday is.” Alyssa blinks up at her. “Google. Perks of dating a superstar. I didn’t want to miss it. Kinda felt like you wouldn’t tell me because you’re like the type who wouldn’t want your birthday to be a big deal.”

“Ok, first of all, this is unfair. And secondly, I would have told you…” Alyssa starts, “although that would be weird I guess. ‘Hey, my birthday’s coming up. What are we going to do to celebrate me?’ So yeah, I probably wouldn’t have told you. But I’m sure someone would have. Kelley can’t keep her mouth shut. Glad I didn’t miss yours. I would have been so pissed at you.”

“And… you would have done absolutely nothing about it,” Nic chuckles, leaning down to give her a kiss on her forehead before returning to running her fingers through Alyssa’s thick hair. “I love you.”

It’s nice to be able to hear that in person everyday, to say it back. The past few months have been a slow discovery of things she didn’t know she needed, but now wouldn’t want to live without. And that is becoming less scary with every day that passes.

* * *

“Ok, when’s our rest day?” Nic spreads out on one of the large hotel beds, and Alyssa falls down beside her. Of course that would be her first question. She doesn’t always say it, how concerned she is about the way Alyssa stretches herself so thin, but she’s done a lot to take care of the goalkeeper since she returned from Japan, and those gestures make it clear. Alyssa comes back from work trips and before she even finds time to unpack, her laundry is done. She hasn’t seen the inside of a grocery store or her own kitchen cabinets in weeks. In fact, she hasn’t seen much of her apartment for that matter. It was too easy to offer to come over after training and take the dog on a walk - also a justifiable reason to ask for a spare key. It’s too easy to curl up on the couch with him afterwards and wait for Nic to come home from work. Too easy to let her eyelids grow heavy to the tingling of soft scratches against her scalp or the tension release of capable hands working deep into her back. It’s too easy to stay. To fall asleep knowing that even though she doesn’t need anyone, she has someone. To wake up to either warm arms around her or the aroma of coffee wafting into the bedroom and know it’s ok. To fit seamlessly into each other's lives, into this pattern, this rhythm, that’s different from when she was single, but the consistency makes it feel familiar and safe.

Alyssa rolls over into Nic’s side. “I was thinking zoo tomorrow. Beach day after that. And then safari park the last full day.”

“And our rest day is?”

“A beach day is a rest day.” Nic looks at her skeptically. “I’ll cancel our dinner reservation in La Jolla if you want. Room service instead?”

“Nope. No. Not passing up the chance to see you all dressed up.”

“Mmhmm,” Alyssa kisses her neck. “Did you notice I didn’t plan anything for the rest of today? You wanted me to stay in bed, right? Why don’t we do room service tonight?”

“Early dinner? So we have plenty of time for other things?”

“Depends,” Alyssa says coyly.

“Ew. On?”

“You gonna claim I’m not resting if we do other things? Because I can find something to watch on TV or I brought a book or-”

“I can make sure you don’t get too tired while we do other things,” Nic assures her, "make sure you stay still."

“I don’t know how fun that sounds,” Alyssa says, but it's more that she can't imagine scrounging up the self-control to stay still. She rolls off the bed to get the room service menu, and returns so they can look over it. As Alyssa dials down to the restaurant, Nic roams the room, flipping through the binder of hotel activities and checking out the amenities. But it doesn’t really grab Alyssa’s attention until she’s standing at the foot of the bed with a black, cardboard box in hand, poking Alyssa’s foot to hurry her off the phone. 

“What kind of hotel did you book us?” she asks, trying to stifle a laugh, and snorting instead.

“It’s the nicest one on the island. You don’t like it?”

“No, I love it. It’s beautiful. It’s historic. We don’t even have to leave the room to watch the sunset. You couldn’t have done a better job, babe. But,” she’s still laughing and finally tosses the box to Alyssa, “it comes with  _ extra  _ amenities.  _ Adult  _ amenities.”

Alyssa’s mouth drops open as her eyes scan the box. “Tryst Mini Lovers Kit. Contains Mini multi-speed vibrator. Two condoms. Ooh LaLa Feather Tickler. Liquid Pleasures Personal Lubricant. Edible Underwear,” Alyssa reads the contents labeled on the side. “What the fuck?”

“Yeah, you tell me.” They both burst into a fit of giggles. “Open it.”

“No!” Alyssa throws it back at her, horrified, except she's really not. “You open it.”

“Fine.” Nic sits down next to her. She sets the condoms on the nightstand, “Don’t need those,” and pulls out a flexible feathery wand, tickling Alyssa’s nose. She promptly gets that slapped out of her hand. “Nice and quiet,” she observes, turning the vibrator on for a moment before putting it back in it’s packaging and moving on. “Now these…” she holds up a smaller black box, “these are interesting.”

“Crotchless peach gummy panties?” Alyssa looks disgusted but Nic raises her eyebrows suggestively. “I am not wearing them.”

“I think the whole point is to not wear them for long, though. So more like, you can try them on.”

“No. Absolutely not,” Alyssa repeats.

“Baby,” Nic’s voice is husky as she sets everything aside and climbs into Alyssa’s lap. “I really think you should try them on.”

“And I think our dinner’s going to be here shortly.”

“It’s room service. We have time. It takes for fucking ever.”

“You don’t want to spoil your dinner.”

“Good point,” Nic swaps that box out for the vibrator and the feather tickler. “Those later. Which one of these now?”

“Baby…”

“Shhh… we have time.” 

Nic's voice soothe her, but she has to tease her first. "You know that’s a cat toy,” Alyssa looks skeptically at the tickler. “But we don’t need that,” she tosses the vibrator aside, effectively making her choice. 

“Don’t lose that. We might want it later,” Nic winks. “So. I feel like this would go better with a blindfold. And there’s not one in the box. Can’t even use the edible underwear because they’re crotchless.”

Alyssa rolls her eyes. “There’s one in the bathroom.” Nic’s eyes widen. “Calm down, it’s for sleeping.”

“But it will suffice.”

“I suppose.” By the time Nic returns with it, Alyssa has shimmied out of her jeans. 

“You  _ are  _ on board with this,” Nic says triumphantly, as she climbs back on the bed - tracing her fingers up Alyssa's thigh - to hover over her girlfriend. She carefully adjusts the blindfold over Alyssa’s head and gives her a long kiss before beginning to unbutton her shirt. Her lips follow the exposed skin as she slides the shirt off Alyssa’s shoulders.

“That’s not a feather,” Alyssa protests, but Nic ignores her, running her tongue up the side of her neck as she lowers her back into the bed. “Neither is that. Or that,” she grits out as Nic’s teeth sink into her earlobe, just this side of sharply.

“Patience,” she laughs lightly, sitting back on her heels. “This was a really good bra choice,” she unhooks the clasp in front, removing it and laying Alyssa’s arms above her head. Slowly, she flicks the soft feathers across the inside of Alyssa’s wrist, then follows down the inside of her arm. Alyssa doesn’t move until it grazes her ribs, her hips jerking up off the bed. Nic grinds her down to meet Alyssa’s and is met with a moan. She repeats the same movement on the other side, and by the time she draws the feathers away, the pale expanse across Alyssa’s abs is painted with goosebumps.

Alyssa can feel Nic’s breath on her neck, and feel the presence of their bodies separated by mere inches - maybe it’s the heat between, maybe the frequencies of their buzzing bodies. The nearness, the anticipation of where that feather-light touch travel next leaves her chest flushed a splotchy red, her breathing quickened, and her hips searching for her girlfriend. But Nic stays just out of her reach. She trails the feathers down the valley between Alyssa’s breasts, swirling over her abs, and stopping at the waistband of her underwear. She drops a line of kisses across the top, her fingers slipping just under the edge of the fabric, and then spreads Alyssa’s legs. 

“Fuck, baby,” Alyssa hisses as the feathers brush over the sensitive skin of her inner thigh. Her hands shoot down, trying to find her girlfriend’s. “Take them off she whines,” but that whine turns into a full-on moan as Nic presses her nose into Alyssa’s center.

A knock pulls them apart for a second, but then Nic rests against her, laughing at the horrible timing. The vibrations of Nic’s lips against her are almost too much, as worked up as she is. “Oh fuck me,” she whispers, “just ignore it.” Her hands tangle in Nic’s hair, trying to make sure she stays.

But the attempt is fruitless. Nic is off the bed before she knows it. “Be right back,” she promises, and Alyssa doesn’t get how her voice isn’t fucked up, so nonchalant as she talks to the employee at their door, how she can compose herself so quickly. She’d never be able to. She feels like she's already such a mess.

“You can come out now,” Nic laughs at Alyssa, completely hidden under the covers. “He’s gone. I wasn’t going to let him come all the way in, silly,” she adds as Alyssa pokes her head, free of the blindfold, out cautiously. “Should I get out of these so you’re not the only one eating naked?”

“Leave it,” Alyssa throws the covers back and motions her girlfriend towards her, suddenly determined to leave her as desperate, breathless, and writhing as she was only a moment ago. She’s positive she can ignore the throbbing between her legs long enough to do that. “We can eat later. We weren’t done," she says resolutely.

“That we weren’t,” Nic grins, but she’s surprised that once her clothes are off, Alyssa flips them.

Nic’s about to complain, but Alyssa cuts her off. “I want my dessert first,” her smoky voice has the desired effect, Nic’s legs wrapping around her and pulling her lower. 

“You know what it does to me when you talk to me like that.”

And she does, she can feel it between them, stickiness coating the top of her thigh. Yeah, dinner can wait and the same sun will set tomorrow. This is something she needs now.

* * *

Walking back through the hotel lobby after dinner, it feels like one of those nights that should never end. They’ve had two full days now away from work, neither opening a laptop to watch film or answer emails. Their first was a too-warm-for-fall day spent covering miles on the pavement, taking all the stupid computer-generated funny photos that the zoo offered. Alyssa also spent it trying to ignore every nerve firing in her body, drawing her close enough to wrap her arm around her girlfriend’s waist or interlace their fingers. The sight of countless adorable baby animals had to be to blame for the softness she craved.

Dinner tonight was quiet, and the walk down to the coast to see the sea lions just before sunset was romantic. Their time earlier in the day was spent mostly in beach chairs, despite her girlfriend’s mostly good-natured complaints about the weather.

“Your season sucks,” Nic pouted from where she was laying out on her beach chair.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, we’re going to need a vacation do-over,” she gestured to the cloudy sky. “You play during all the months that are acceptable for beach trips,  _ and  _ during the months I’m off. And now we’re out here, I’m cold, and you’ve got a cover up on.”

“But it’s not cold. And was last night not enough? You know what’s under here,” she pulled at her long, unbuttoned white shirt.

“Well sure, it was enough. You’re always enough. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to finally see my girlfriend in a bikini.”

“What about the crotchless panties? That seems like a substitute.”

“Those were sooo gross,” Nic laughed. 

Soon, Alyssa was joining in. “I told you I didn’t think I should put them on…” she managed to choke out when she caught her breath.

“Those sheets are probably going to be stained orange forever.”

“That’s on the hotel for providing this shit. I was more annoyed by our timeout to rinse the stickiness off.”

“I tried to help.”

“All you did was distract me,” Alyssa reminded her.

“I don’t think you can blame me for that. Also, have I told you I’m cold?”

“It’s,” Alyssa unlocks her phone, “72 degrees.”

“Exactly. And the windchill? Not swimsuit weather.”

“Oh, come on,” Alyssa slid her hand onto Nic’s beach chair and under the blanket she trudged back to the room to get. “I had them set up our chairs together so I’d be close enough to warm you. I had them put the umbrella away in case the sun decides to peak out. I got you a blanket. It’s not that bad.”

“Easy for you to say, Connecticut. Where I come from it’s in the 90s when we go to the beach. I should have picked something like Mexico for vacation. Somewhere tropical. Am I ever going to get to see you in a bikini?” 

“Got all the time in the world for that,” Alyssa assured her. “In fact, Ash and Ali have been talking about wanting me to visit. We’ll go to Florida some time and you can get your fill of bikini weather.”

That had seemed to cheer Nic up. “I’m gonna go to the bar and get another drink. What do you want?”

Alyssa gasped dramatically. “With ice? How will you survive?”

“The alcohol will make me feel warm. And if it doesn’t, be prepared to scoot closer.”

But when she came back, two drinks in hand, she was also carrying a frisbee that she had picked up from the equipment rental hut under her arm.

“What happened to resting?” Alyssa’s eyes gleamed with excitement at the prospect of playing.

“Thought it could help warm me up after my icy drink. I know you can throw a soccer ball, but if this frisbee goes into the water, you’re getting it.”

Alyssa spots a guitarist in the bar, packing up. It’s late and quiet, and she’s been waiting for a chance to do something for Nic equally befitting of an Olympic-sized surprise. “Hey, come with me,” Alyssa tugs Nic’s hand pulling her away from the elevator bank. She drops her hand as quickly as she grabbed it when her girlfriend follows her detour, still uncomfortable even though there’s no one around, save the bartender and the musician. “May I,” Alyssa asks shyly as he looks down at her. 

“Sure, honey,” he says softly, handing her the guitar off the stand. “Just put it back when you’re done. You ladies have a good night.” With that, he departs, leaving the two women alone, Alyssa staring at the guitar in her hands and Nic staring at her. 

“I didn’t know you played.”

Alyssa looks up, sheepishly. “I… um… a little. I don’t sing well at all though,” she sits on the edge of the small stage uncomfortably stiff, and really glad it’s so poorly lit.

“You look beautiful tonight,” Nic reaches out and touches Alyssa’s knee lightly. “In case I didn’t tell you earlier.”

“You did,” Alyssa bites her lip. She never forgets to. Not when Alyssa’s in a hoodie and leggings. Not when she came out of the change room with bruising already purpling her face after taking a cleat to the cheek when she stopped a breakaway. Not when she’s a mess after a loss or too tired to get up off the couch.

There’s a lotta bit of her that regrets this all, this moment of bravery. Or is it stupidity? This moment what she can’t blame on the one glass of wine she had at dinner. That one glass that’s not enough to even begin to calm her nerves right now. But those eyes staring at her, patiently, expectantly, seem to be trying. If not, they’re definitely edging her closer to leaving her very well-defined comfort zone

She didn’t plan to do this. There was no way of knowing that at the end of the night, there would be an empty lounge at an uncrowded hotel, and a guitar calling to her. So it is stupid. It’s cheesy and it feels too public, but there’s also this pull that she can’t ignore, like something she  _ needs  _ to free from her own heart and share with another. To forge a deeper connection. This song she hasn’t been able to get out of her head, it’s melody handing her all the words she’s wanted to say but couldn’t. A song she’s quietly sung, played along with when she’s been alone. Something she’s been so uncertain about that she’s shoved her guitar under her bed when her girlfriend has come over. It was never really meant to be shared, never really meant to be heard by another, yet that is exactly the point. And now, before a single chord has been strummed, it’s too late to take it back, and she doesn’t think she would if she could. She’s been pushed out of her comfort zone in her profession since day one. Maybe it’s time to leave that security behind in her personal life, too, to do something big, to take a risk, to prove something she’s never actually been asked to.

“So there’s this song that reminds me of you if I switch up one line a little bit…” She starts with the second verse, barely above a whisper, because that’s what means something to her. And because it means she can get this over with faster. It’s easier, looking down at the strings even though she doesn’t need to. But she can’t help but lock eyes with her girlfriend when she makes it to the chorus. That’s scarier, being exposed, but it surprises her that she doesn’t want to stop.

By the time she’s done, Nic’s eyes are sparkling with tears. Her voice is strangled when she identifies the song. “Poetry.”

Alyssa beams, “You know it!” and Nic nods. “Baby, don’t. You’re gonna make me cry, too.” She sighs, setting the guitar back down. “Come on, let’s go back upstairs.”

The way Nic hangs onto her in the elevator is different than any way she’s held her before. Different even from when they first saw each other in Tokyo. There’s a neediness to it, maybe because it physically feels heavier. Like she’s letting go a little more and needs to be supported. It helps Alyssa to see another side of her. Everything about her is so light that it’s easy to miss how reserved she actually is. And it helps Alyssa to see another side of herself, her own reserved personality contributing to her girlfriend’s hesitancy. It’s one more step in the process of learning to be vulnerable together.

“I love you, I need you to know that,” Alyssa says earnestly into the darkness of their hotel room. She knows she’s not the best at showing it or probably even saying it enough. She doesn’t know how to be effusive, and there’s always that little voice in the back of her head telling her their small, private moments of affection aren’t enough.

“I know, sweetheart.”

“No, but I love you  _ so  _ much, I’m not just saying the words. I mean it. Like, I don’t want my season to end because I know you’re going to tell me to go spend time with my family and I already feel like I’m missing you and I haven’t even left yet. Like sometimes, I want to touch you so bad that I think it’d be ok if someone recognized me because why not? Like, I want to wake up next to you every morning, not just some mornings. I love you that much.”

“So wake up next to me every morning.”

“I mean- I- I- pretty much do now, right? But…” Alyssa knows now’s not the time to say what she was about to.

Her girlfriend says it for her. “Don’t renew your lease.”

“Wait. You mean it?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“It’s too soon...” Alyssa’s voice trails off like she doesn’t even know if she believes her own words. Every decision she’s ever made has been slow and methodical, thoughtful, but this doesn’t feel like it needs to be because it feels right.

“Maybe now it’s too soon, but think about it. It won’t be, not by the time you come back and need an apartment next season.” Nic tucks Alyssa’s hand against her chest. “And would it be now even, baby? Not that there’s any reason for you to move out of your apartment tomorrow, but you’re already at my house more nights than you’re not. How would it be any different?”

And she’s right; it wouldn’t be any different, in theory. It wouldn’t make a difference to her God. To her family. To her feelings. It’s big, but it doesn’t feel big because she doesn’t think it would change their relationship. She dived right in before she even meant to and she hasn’t regretted it one bit. Maybe it’s possible that some things do work out. Maybe some things are meant to be even.

“You don’t have to decide right now.”

“No!” Alyssa jumps in.

“Ok.”

“No! Like yes.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“I mean I don’t need time to decide,” Alyssa kisses her softly. “Of course I want to move in with you when I come back next season.”

“Ok, but that’s almost what? Half a year for you to change your mind? It’s not like anything’s getting done now. But ok.”

“I’m not changing my mind, baby. And why did you say ‘ok’ like that?”

“Because you not being ready for a big step like that wouldn’t change things anymore than us living together will change things. We don’t need to live together. You don’t have to be ready if you’re not ready.”

“You really don’t think it’ll change things?”

“No. You’re gone so much it’ll feel like you don’t even live there,” Nic points out, trying to hide her smile. 

“Stop it,” Alyssa pushes her lightly. And then more seriously, “Have you thought about it before? Or was that offer really spur of the moment?”

“Lyss, I’ve thought about it every single time you’ve fallen asleep next to me.”

“Really?” Alyssa scoots even closer to her. “What else have you thought about that you’ve been keeping to yourself?”

“Member when you told me we have all the time in the world? Yeah… we have all the time in the world for that, too.


End file.
